Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

That’s why I put a / in there. Blended families or step siblings. The point is is 1 child has been invited and 1 hasn’t. That is not right.

They’re not children. They’re all middle-aged women who are old enough to understand a business decision and stop trying to turn it into something it’s not. The whole thing is the essence of practicality, including choosing witnesses who live locally.

Your children are your children no matter what age they are. Business decision or not - invite the daughters. Pay the £200. Done

If it’s ’the essence of practicality’ why are they going for a meal afterwards?
The OP says her mother rarely eats out.
The meal turns it into a celebration which she has been deliberately excluded from.
Obviously the mother can do what she wants but to pretend she isn’t snubbing her daughters is completely disingenuous.

The meal turns it into a celebration

Of course it doesn’t. I’m going out for lunch tomorrow, it’s not a celebration, it’s lunch.

Does she have to don sackcloth and ashes and dash home as soon as the register is signed for fear of looking too ‘unpractical’. God forbid an 81 up year old woman might want a bit to eat.

Rubbish. The people getting married have decided to thank another couple of people who live locally for giving up their time to act as witnesses. The fact that his daughter lives ocally is very relevant to that - they aren't paying for her to come to the wedding. Elevating it to a celebration is inviting everyone and their dog. If this was some kind of romantic event celebrating their lives together, they wouldn't have waited decades to get around to it. It is a practical solution to a problem and nothing more.

Plus it baffles me that people think I should pay to attend my own mother’s marriage and maybe help them out with costs. I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

And so the OP wants her mother to pay for her to attend the wedding? And earlier OP complained that she had to pay for her mothers 80th birthday? So the OP can't or doesn't want to pay herself, which is fair enough, but now she wants mum to pay for her families meals... and accommodation and/or travel?

You are right to be hurt and offended that your mother doesn’t want you there.

I think there is something else going on.

We went through something similar over a few years with mil. Not attending events that we would have normally gone to because MIL didn’t invite us with the excuse of saving us petrol money or us not going to enjoy something. We also lived 3 hours away from MIL or not being able to go because where mil lives it is strictly an over 18s in pubs and the independent restaurants.

It was icing us out.

We would continue to go up to see her every few weeks but we did find it strange that Bil rarely came to see us when we were there

When mil died bil who lived close by kept talking to exh about arrangements for her funeral. (Family plot where fil was already buried) He then told exh mil had told him to save money and go with a cremation with no funeral service which had happened the day before and he didn’t tell us because he didn’t want to further upset exh. Bil and mil didn’t tell us that fil had died until after he was buried.

Exh was devastated that his brother had again lied to him after knowing how hurt he had been after he wasn’t told of his fathers death.

Exh had enquired about MIL’s will BIL kept everything very secretive. Wouldn’t say anything and kept exh in the dark about everything

It was only when I pointed out to exh that he could go online and see the will there that he was able to see that mil had cut him out of the will completely and it was too late to contest it.

FWIW I cannot begin to imagine that mil would have ever gone with an impersonal cremation when the plan was to be buried with her dh. Mil was careful with money but when it came to looking after herself and buying good quality food, going out with her friends etc She also left close to 7 figures in cash and 3 houses so money wasn’t a problem.

Of course you should feel hurt. I would even make her aware of it.

”We are all terribly disappointed that you do not want your DDs or DGC to celebrate your marriage with you, your DH and step children. I hope you all have a lovely day together and I wish you every happiness but there is no way around out feelings of exclusion. DSis and myself have always tried to make celebrating you and caring for you a priority and the last thing we want at this stage of life is division. However, we feel ourselves and our children are unwelcome in this particular celebration and we will have to make our own peace with that.”

How to ensure a division at this stage of life.

That would be the DM’s choosing, who is already dividing the family by having her step children and not her own DC at her wedding. OP can either say her peace and give DM a chance to acknowledge, respond, rebuff etc. or say nothing and be silently bitter about it long after DM is no longer around. Neither are great options, sure, but it’s the DM who has chosen this.

@Candlemascandy me and DP are getting married for exactly the same reason, I need to organise it. For us it’s a piece of paper and a legality, so we don’t want anyone there either. I might have to have my DSs there but honestly if we could just have two strangers off the street, that would be fine with me. Our neighbour is horrified. Maybe we’ll have a small party at some point.

Oddly, what’s bothered me more is that DP doesn’t want a wedding ring, but I do, though not a conventional one. I might get him a curtain ring just for the ceremony.

But in this circumstance could you imagine deliberately not inviting your own DC while choosing to have your DP’s DC attend and celebrate after the ceremony with you?

Surely it has to be all DC or none, otherwise it’s absolutely choosing favourites. Totally fine to do it alone and have a friend be witness. As soon as you say one side is a part of it and the other isn’t its going to be upsetting for the excluded DC.

Yes, because I’m not inviting my sister or any other relatives. It really is about that piece of paper.

I understand that OP is upset, but she needs to accept that it’s not a marriage celebration merely a means to an end, a piece of paper that solves one problem. By all means tell her mother she’s upset and offended and she can choose to distance herself from her mother and stepfather over it.

The other issue is whether or not there is a will and a power of attorney in place. I have friends going through hell because the stepfather refused to take these steps because’they’ would steal his money, he died intestate. The mother is not at all well and it’s a mess for those trying to sort things out.

@Cojones

Oddly, what’s bothered me more is that DP doesn’t want a wedding ring, but I do, though not a conventional one. I might get him a curtain ring just for the ceremony

But you’ll both have your piece of paper so why must your partner have a ring when he doesn’t want one?

Are you getting married before your lunch?

What’s that got to do with it. Read what I was responding to, why don’t you?

Gosh, this thread reminds me just how insecure so many Mners are, continually alert to ‘exclusions ’ and ‘favouritism’. What the OP’s 81 year old mother wants to do or not do for her marriage ceremony is more important than the feelings of anyone else who may or not be involved in an event she clearly regards as a necessary evil to be got out of the way as simply as possible, with the most convenient local witnesses. When someone tells you that they don’t consider something a big deal, just believe them.

Don't, for the love of Christ, do this.

There is a third choice. The OP could grow up and act like an adult. Her mother has made it clear that this is not a celebration - it is a "marriage of convenience" for legal and financial reasons and nothing more than that. The choice of her partners family as witnesses is simply a matter of geography - they live 20 minutes away and the OP lives many hours away. Why on earth would you drag family on a lengthy journey for a 30 minute slot down the registry office that has not meaning beyond the practical?

But if the OP is intent on saying something, the wording you suggested is deliberately provocative. If the OP thinks this is so important (when her own mother thinks it isn't) then a simple "Hi mum, I have been thinking about this and we all really, really want to be with you when you get married. It may not be all that important an event to you, but it is to us. Can we come?" None of this "you are excluding us from a celebration that you say isn't a celebration and we will have to try really hard to forgive you given how good we have always been to you, and by the way we won't be paying for the meal after you had the cheek to expect us to pay for your birthday meal".

@Weepixie I might just give DP a Haribo ring for the ceremony but am absolutely not going to insist he wears a ring, we’re neither of us jewellery people. I think I was more surprised by my own reaction to his saying he didn’t want one than anything.

Lord above you've got some shite over this @Candlemascandy If they were just getting married with a couple of mates then you might BU but they have chosen a step sibling to go! Can't imagine doing this to any of my 3 kids.

Of course YANBU to be upset that your MUM isn't inviting you to watch her get married and go to a celebratory meal.

Mumsnet is bonkers at times.

Utterly perplexed at the bashing @Candlemascandy is getting here when a similar thread, the OP is getting nothing but sympathy and empathy.

Agree! ^