Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Exactly this.

This is a nice considered response. You are not stamping your feet shouting ‘it’s not fair’, but telling her you love her and want to share the joy.
Might be worth a go?

They’ve been together 30 years! They’re not having a wedding; they’re getting married. It’s very different.

And why wouldn’t an elderly woman’s daughters care for her in ill health, ahead of that woman’s partner’s daughter?

But you say "I want to be there" that does make it about you.
I would probably be a bit hurt in your shoes too OP but I think you need to respect her wishes

Have you offered to pay for your share? She's been clear she doesn't want to pay for a wedding & really just wants a marriage. Can you pay to attend?

Yeah, definitely ask if you can go be part of the mail at your own expense if that’s just too overwhelming for them on the day then plan a weekend trip when you take them out for a celebratory lunch and get your photos then

As someone who is planning with their partner to elope and not involve any family in our wedding, of course I'm saying you need to respect their wishes.
However you are not being unreasonable in how you are feeling and I completely understand why you feel the way you do (I am expecting backlash from our own wedding).
Perhaps speak to them, say you understand that their wedding is their wishes and you understand it's a financial decision etc. But you would still love to celebrate them, after all this is your mum. How about arranging a family event to celebrate them close to the wedding, if not the actual wedding?

Maybe they don't want a lot of fuss and people taking photographs. I doubt that octogenarians really enjoy being photographed. Or perhaps you have form for making events All About You?

They are entitled to the tiniest cheapest wedding they desire to be fair. The bigger and more expensive someone's wedding is, the more I roll my eyes. I HATE massive, over-pomped weddings that cost 10s of 1000s of £££, and last 12 fucking hours. If I got married again I would absolutely 100% have a teeny tiny wedding. However I would not exclude my own DC, and the fact that your mum and her partner are inviting HIS adult child and partner (as 'witnesses,') and are not inviting you really stinks IMO.

They should be inviting you too. And tbh I would struggle to get past this. I would say 'mum can me and my DH come please? I feel a bit sad at missing your wedding.' If she says no, I would be giving her a wide berth after this. (And him.) She will need you one day, and treating you like this is not cool.

YANBU @Candlemascandy

You felt that you couldn't invite one member of the family without the others. OP's mum has done exactly that. The groom's daughter and her husband are invited but not OP or her sister. If they had invited friends instead of family, OP would feel differently about it.

Please don't just turn up. My brother and his first wife eloped to Vegas as they didn't want a fuss. Told my mum and dad out of respect who then got together a posse " to surprise them" sadly they filed for divorce six months later, not sure if it was RELATED , but I wouldn't have helped.

Would she? I think she’d be whinging whatever they did if she wasn’t included. I want is the clue.

The OP's mum's husband-to-be is inviting HIS adult child and partner though, under the guise of 'witnesses.'

They should have invited the OP and her partner as well. Or none of them.

They should have used randoms, maybe a couple of neighbours for witnesses. It's very hurtful and inconsiderate and bloody rude to invite HIS adult DC and partner, but leave out the OP and her partner.

As your mother is inviting the 2 geographically close by people without any small children to worry about as a practicality thing.

I think you have missed the point of why they are marrying, it's just unfortunate that originally they decided to have a bigger wedding then changed their minds. To them it's a legality. They are using the family member who is geographicallyncloser for convenience. I totally understand - we got married after 25 years together, it was us and 2 DC (both over 18) as witnesses. We haven't even told family and it was 2 years ago.

Have you told your mother that you would actually love to be there?
Have you asked her whether, after the wedding, would they mind if you and your sister joined them (and paid for your own meals)? You could leave the kids at home with sitter.

If her answer is still that she doesn't want the fuss of you being there, then just be happy that they are doing what they want.

Of course it's weird.
After 30 years it's too much for step daughter to step in when step mum goes to hosp?
Mum is absolutely fine that her own daughters don't come to the wedding?
Is there more to the story? Why are OP and her sister thought less of?

With a preferred child present. Who will then get a celebratory meal with them. Do you see why I’m hurt?

Yes, I agree it isn’t about you.

We had a super cheap simple wedding with no guests too - we decided it ties all the ends together ‘just in case’ after 19 years and 5 children. No music was needed, no silly walk down the aisle, it was all about signing a piece of paper and getting out. The wedding wasn’t the main event, but 19 years together and children was.

If other people were there it would have been more messing around than it was worth, spending not needed and photos that would have looked silly.

No, I wouldn’t just turn up. That would look desperate.

It’s a bit rubbish. I get just wanting to get it done for legal and financial reasons. It’s the being excluded when others are invited that hurts.

My mum got married to her partner when she was about 60. We live in different countries about an 8 hour flight from each other. I had a long planned trip to visit her booked for July. They got married in May, only told me 5 days before, so that it wouldn’t have been possible to book a flight. They had friends and neighbours at the wedding and a photographer and a lunch after. Her partner’s children are NC with him, so I suspect it was his prerogative to have no children or grandchildren there.

It made me feel awful though. I wouldn’t have minded if they just went and signed the papers and had a nice weekend away together after. It’s that there were guests and there were lots of photos on social media, but I was intentionally excluded. My mum and I are NC now. Not for this reason, but for a catalogue of horrible things she did and said about us in the decade plus since (urged on by her abusive partner). But looking back, I can see where the cracks started to form.

So spicy for a Monday morning.

Maybe I should not be saying ‘I want to be there’ then when she dies and me and my sister have to sort her funeral out.

But did you have all of your children there? Or just some of them?

Ignore that goady post @Candlemascandy

Yeah but they don’t see it as ‘a happy event’ in that way. If they’d wanted photos and family they would have organised a proper wedding 20 years ago. They just want the piece of paper. And a meal afterwards? Why not? Presumably they’ve been to lunches with children from both schools des before and you haven’t complained when you weren’t invited to all of them.