Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Have you told your DM how upset you are not to be included while her DP's daughter is?

I think they’ve said what they want and you have to let it go. Swallow your pride and celebrate with her at a pub where kids are invited a couple of weeks later, give them a card and take pics there. It’s just one day, to formalise a relationship that’s already in existence.

But OP what you aren’t understanding is to you it’s a “big life occasion” but to your mum is a piece of paper at 81 years old because they know they are nearing end of life and want to make things easier.

They don’t want all the photos etc.

You’re worried about losing your mother. That’s lovely and normal. Don’t make this about the wedding. Spend time with her, you and your children, as much as you can. Doesn’t have to be around “moments”. Just spend the time.

‘Or indeed, if it matters so little, just got two random passers by as witnesses’

This has not been legal for decades. Witnesses have to be specified in the booking with the registrar; it’s part of the effort to stop marriages of convenience ( for residency or visa applications amongst other things).

Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

It’s not a “big life occasion”. It has no more significance than signing their wills, it’s a financial transaction.

This!
Why don't you suggest to you Mum that you join her for the meals and pay for it yourselves? Then you get to celebrante.
I getvyou DD won't be able to come since she is under 14, but there's nothing to be done about that...

I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate

It doesn't matter how you see it, because you are not the one getting married. Your mum clearly feels differently about the wedding and doesn't see it as being a big thing like you do, and that's totally fine. YABU about this.

My Dad was in his 70s but something similar-ish happened to me and my sister. He chose to get married 400 miles away with his wife's daughter as the witness and told me (and my brother who would've traveled from Australia) that there was no need/no point in us coming. At first I was a bit hurt but they wanted a small simple ceremony without much fuss or having to think about other people. They had a nice time, I didn't have to travel and get accommodation, and I celebrated with them over dinner at a later date

So why go for a meal afterwards and only invite the other daughter?

probably becuase op lives 200 miles away and they want a very small occasion, maybe they know what op is like (just from the comments they are posting) and will make a big deal out of it which isn’t what they want

why dont you organise the party for her?

Sounds like this is mainly to sort out finances and protect property if one needs to go into care.
The partners daughter lives in the next village so is near by and easy for them to be witnesses without to much hassle. Perhaps they also see them more regularly as you live 200miles away.

Id arrange to see them afterwards sometime. Bring a cake and champagne so you can congratulate them separately.

Don’t you have other photos?

Don’t you get it? This is not a photo opportunity occasion.

There you go again making it all about you and your memories and your photos. It’s not your wedding. Their wedding is not a photo op for you. It’s not even a photo op for them. They want their bit of paper and some scampi and chips and back up the road.

I completely understand what you're saying about photos, but presumably you do have plenty of other family photos of you and your mum that you can reminisce with. My dad wasn't at his granddaughter's wedding (wasn't possible on a practical level with his physical disabilities and mental issues) so he isn't in those photos - but I still look at photos of other special occasions with him all the time and we have a lovely time reminiscing.

Oh that’s interesting. I wasn’t aware of that.

I get why you are upset OP, but it seems your mum has made her mind up. It is her wedding and she does have the right to decide who is there.
I agree with PP who said that for the happy couple this wedding is about getting a piece of paper that makes the inheritance process easier. She's not excluding you from a precious moment in her life.

If they each have one child why wouldn't they ask each of them to come to the wedding as witnesses?

If you just want to get married for legal purposes it could have been done a year ago

She doesn’t want one!!!

I would be tempted to offer to pay for the meal as a wedding gift for them but suggest it would be nice if everyone was together? She may relent and let you come if it costs her nothing

if she refuses you know for sure it’s a “you”thing , and not a money thing

btw I would reevaluate paying for them if I wasn’t wanted

Have not rtft so forgive me if I am repeating what has already been said.

I think it might help if you stop thinking about this as a wedding in the usual sense. They just want someone to witness the marriage and then are giving them a dinner after. They don't want to pay for a wedding and I don't blame them. Some people their age might do that, but they have chosen not to. They are simply getting their affairs in order. They are very wise.

If you think this is an indication of what they might be doing in terms of inheritance etc I don't think you should worry about it.

And what do you suggest that the two under 14s do? Take themselves to get a sandwich whilst we are in the restaurant? 😆

You can go and visit and take photos without there being a wedding.
As fair as they're concerned, this is no more important than re-writing their will, or cashing in an investment. They don't want a fuss.

If you want to visit, go and do that. If you want a big family party, find some excuse of your own to invite everyone.