Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Oh blimey. That sounds awful. So sorry this happened to you. X

If they need two witnesses then surely the blood daughters would be the obvious choice or if they really wanted to save pennies then drag in a couple off the street, slip the £10 each and call it a day.
When the time comes hopefully the family nearest, who were invited, will bear the majority of the burden.

Yes exactly this. What are people not getting about this?! The OP's mum and her partner have left her out, but are inviting HIS DC and partner.

Nasty. I would be giving them a HUGELY wide berth after this. Anything they want in the future, any help or support... they can fuck off. I wasn't good enough to be invited to your shitty little wedding, therefore I'm not good enough to be your little helper or carer.

Get your new husband's children to help. They are clearly the favourites!

Petty? Bitter? Yeah, so what? Treat me like shit, like second best, you can fuck off.

@NotthinglikeaBondGirl Your situation is different, you invited NO-ONE. You didn't invite certain people and leave others out.

Good on her.

Respect her wishes

Read this back again.

“I want to be there because I want to congratulate them, share in the happy event, take some nice photos for the future with my mum and her kids and grandkids.”

I want, I want, I want. You are absolutely making it about you.

@BatchCookBabe thank you!!! That’s exactly how I feel, despite being a grown up. But I feel like I’m being pressed into saying ‘oh no, that’s fine Mum. Hope it goes well and the meal is nice’

And what do you think those wishes are?

Good point, we did bring the children as we didn’t want to leave them alone at home - they all wore jeans and teenagers moaned the whole time (15 minutes of it). They didn’t really need to be there though.

They are having his daughter.

what do you mean by blood daughters?

Exactly what I said, when the OP's mum and her new husband need help and care, the 'favourites;' (the ones who were invited to the wedding) can pick up the slack, and take on the physical and mental load of the care. They live closer too. Double bonus. They can do everything for them!

She has done you a favour really @Candlemascandy You don't have to be arsed to help your mum and her partner/new husband now. They have picked their favourites. They can deal with the fall out of that.

First two posts nail it.

OP kindly you are being a princess about this. They don’t want to get married - hence they haven’t previously. They want a bit of paper for financial reasons when one of them dies to save on IHT.

They are inviting his daughter and partner because they live nearby. It’s nothing personal and it’s a non-event as they are spending the minimum cost to get the bit of paper.

If YOU so badly want to be there for the financial transaction then you need to offer to take them out for a meal etc to celebrate. But you are making it about YOU and not them.

The medical thing also seems to be something you shouldn’t be getting upset over. The partners daughter couldn’t get to the hospital, it’s not her mum. For the financial transaction wedding it is her dad and she’s local so very different.

This is the nub of the issue here, if they'd have grabbed a couple of witnesses off the street or asked someone from the bowls club, it wouldn't have hurt.

It's because his daugher is invited, and you're not. I get it, they've been shortsighted about that but they're 81, let them have their day and if you want a big family celebration then throw a big bash for your next birthday/Easter/for no reason over the summer. It's really not worth causing a rift about at this point.

I don’t think they want a fuss and that’s the issue.

Have you offered to pay for your family? Maybe then they’d feel less stressed about cost?

This. I didn’t invite my parents (of whom I am very fond) to my wedding precisely because I didn’t want them making a fuss, when to me it was a legal transaction.

You wouldn't he human if you weren't upset and hurt by this. 💞

Anyone who says they wouldn't care, is spouting a load of old bollocks.

Ok so when she was rushed to hospital with pneumonia a few weeks ago and I said ‘I want to be there, by her bed, I want to help my stepfather who is panicking and upset, I want to make sure she’s getting the right care, I don’t want her to die in a corridor in a&e’ that was an I want I want I want too was it? Making it all about me?

So much fuckwittery on this thread. Sorry you're having to read it, @Candlemascandy , YADNBU

Let's hope he goes first, as you can bet your bottom dollar, his daughter will be the only one to inherit.

Sorry but I think you are making it about you with regard to the wedding.

The recent medical issue and visit is an entirely separate thing to the wedding so I am not going to comment on that but would like to think a daughter would be doing that anyway rather than just for an invite tk a wedding. It is irrelevant in terms of what they want for their "marriage ceremony".

My FIL married his 30 year partner for similar reasons ie. inheritance issues last yesr.

It was announced to us that his partner's cousin and daughter would be going to be witnesses and have meal after at a nice pub nearby. They live 3 hours from us and 2 from his other adult kids.

We all respected their wishes and didn't make it about us and a family event we could be having although we did send them a card.

Perhaps your elderly mum/step dad do not have friends or think by using friends it becomes a big deal. May his daughter as witness and a meal somewhere nearby is the most everyday normal way they can think of doing it without involving others.

Their only mistake was telling you they planned to do it because now you are making it about your wishes. Their wedding Their choice.

Why are you even telling others about it and then moaning that people are asking why you aren't going.

To your mum and partner this is a transaction that will mean that making dealing with either estate when they are no longer here will be simplified massively.
Respect their choice and be grateful they won't be leaving some form of nightmare shitshow when one passes.

With respect to 'the medical thing', it was OP's mum's partner that actually needed the help and support, not OP's mum. OP said:

'Just for context, he’s 81, totally deaf in one ear but won’t wear a hearing aid so he couldn’t hear what the doctors were telling him about her and couldn’t lip read as they were wearing masks. He was getting very upset thinking she was going to die and texting us saying ‘I don’t know what’s going on, they’ve left her in the corridor in a&e’ It takes me just over 3 hours to drive there, my sister is further. His daughter is 20 mins away. It was a practicality thing.'

OP's mum's partner was the one who was upset and not coping but his 'nearby' daughter wouldn't help.

I think it’s interesting that your stepsister being closer is convenient if it’s to look after your mum, as you felt she should step in and do that to save you a drive

but if it’s for something you want to be involved, in suddenly the distance is no issue?

The partner’s daughter is hardly the preferred child. She’s the closest relative, geographically, to ask as a witness!

I’m guessing you’re at least in your 50s but my goodness don’t you half sound like a petulant stroppy teenager! I’m really surprised you can’t see this for what it is, what you’ve been told it is. It’s not “the happy event”; it’s “an event”.

If I was you I would have a family get together for them, organised by and paid for by yourself (and possibly your sister if she's up for it). Somewhere convenient for your mom and her partner and where your family and your sister's family can stay easily. Something like a lunch in a hotel where you can "hang around" for a few hrs after with both families, take photos and stay overnight if that's easier for you all.

The OPs daughter(s) and his daughter rather than his daughter's husband.

This was your FIL, not your mum. The feelings will be completely different.