Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

[theidiotswind]

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

What on earth! Sally would be blocked immediately. What the f?

Sally is the type of person who judges what people are “worth” by how much money they do or don’t have. I find people like that are best avoided.
But, money makes people weird. I paid a large amount of money for an operation for my dog. I bumped into an acquaintance who had heard about said operation and asked me how much it cost. I didn’t tell her (I didn’t tell anyone, why would I?) and she responded that it was obviously expensive and I was “stupid, selfish and self centred” because that money could have helped HER out? I barely knew the woman! I’ve avoided her since.

i actually nearly laughed that she felt the need to cost the dog- on my best day I’d have said ‘Rover’s priceless to me, what are you saying?’😅 Some people just can’t see beyond money, unfortunately you’ll hear a lot more of ‘but you can afford it!’ Bil is well off and have heard people say so much ‘but why doesn’t he just pay for that’ eg if he fixes something or goes without instead of buying. They also assume he’ll pay for everything and wants to burn money. I’d hate to be rich (I know you’re not, but she sees property and worth being more than hers and obviously thinks you are!)

Next time she brings it up I'd ask why she's so invested in your financial situation?

Ok used to have a friend who kept asking when I was going to get married so I started asking her when she planned to get divorced. She stopped asking.

She’s unbearably rude.

Call her out on it in front of others in the group. Ask if Sally has been researching them online the way she has you and put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5. Ask if she has nothing else better to do with her time. She sounds like a creep.

Op how does she know the addresses of all 5 properties ... I barely know the actually addresses of my family.. I just know how to drive there.. I wouldn't for the life of me remember door numbers and post codes of family in order to research them, let alone someone's 5 properties when I'm not even that close to them.

You get this Op. DH and I had a small portfolio of 5 rentals and live in a pretty large home (it’s secluded with its own drive). My own family often say “you have loads of money you can afford X” we never moan about money, we’re fruggle not flash. It’s jealousy.

Jealousy. I've found that when friends are not very kind or let you down badly it always come from jealousy.

I was badly treated this summer by a decades old friend and I think deep down she was jealous of me and she was waiting for something awful to happen so she could remove herself and enjoy my misery. I do not speak to her but I would like to know how long she was waiting

I'd either remove myself from her or have less to do with her.

You're getting distracted by thoughts of whether you are rich or not, or how you compare in other ways.

She's controlling your behaviour. Stop letting her drag you down to her level.

The focus should be how are you going to put up appropriate boundaries now you are aware of the fact this woman is not a friend and is behaving extremely strangely? To research you is odd, to tell you is off the scale - but your response is also quite odd as you are joining in the comparisons.

OP I'd just have a couple of retorts handy if she says anything again along the lines of:
"Moneybags ... I wish, the bank owns everything haha "
"I can't afford to repair my car/fix the boiler let alone buy that/do that"
"This designer dress came from vinted ! Amazing bargains on there"
"I love my bobbly jumper, I buy everything second hand because I don't have much spare cash these days"

None of it has to be true but just to deflect the conversation off the money point and let her know you're not as well off as she thinks. This is for the scenario that you don't want to cut ties etc as she's in the friendship group. Obviously she's been very rude and nosey so you'd be entirely within rights to cut ties !

I don't think the value of your assets or hers is relevant here. I also don't think it's your responsibility to check on the well being of a person who is behaving so rudely towards you. Creating distance is more in your interests. Who knows how she would behave if she thought she could confide in you?

Her behaviour is very odd and a bit stalkerish so please don't encourage her.

I wouldn't be passive aggressive with her and whilst I think humour can defuse a tense situation it also diminishes the weirdness of her behaviour.

I think if she comments again I would be quite assertive with her and tell her it is very strange for her to have attempted to calculate your net worth, stranger that she would tell you she had done it and rude that she keeps referencing it. Tell her she is mistaken but it doesn't matter because it's none of her business and not to mention it again. And then every time she mentions it just walk away without a word. No one sane would think her behaviour is acceptable.

Put on your best Lady Bracknell voice and tell her it’s frightfully vulgar to talk about money.

Tell the group or someone in the group what she did and that you found it weird
She's probably done it to them too.

She sound unhinged. In your position, OP, I'd be absolutely livid.

What you own/earn and how you organise your money (well, by the sounds of it - well done) is none of her business. It's no one's business, in fact.

I am also single, perpetually so, and I have organised myself in a similar fashion to yourself. I was able to pay off my student loans, buy my own flat, and then another to rent out (makes no money, it is similar to your rented room covering your part of the mortgage).

It doesn't feel like "luck" or being "moneybags". It feels like months and years of monthly saving, seeking advice, making sensible decisions, always putting bonuses into savings accounts, never taking big holidays, always keeping something somewhere in case a boiler drops off the wall...

I think you need to be assertive and say to her "What you have done has made me uncomfortable. My financial set up is no one else's business, my "net worth" has nothing to do with who I am, how I behave or my worth as a friend in this group. You have far overstepped my boundaries and I expect an apology. If you are unwilling to recognise your upsetting behaviour, I will be rethinking my contact with you."

You have every right to defend your own little bubble of security and tell someone "your behaviour is not ok for me, so I chose to walk away from you".

She is absolutely nuts, but how on Earth does she know where your houses are? Or even that you have them? She must have had quite detailed info to do her "research".

I have friends who are wealthy, I know they own property, too - but I have no idea where or what kind. It never enters the conversation.

She's just being ridiculous. What you're 'worth' makes no difference to who you are, how you behave or how much spare cash you've got to spend. Either completely ignore any of her snarky comments, just laugh them off, or tell her to stop it.

Practice a reply to her so it rolls off your tongue easily next time you see her.

"Why are you bringing do intrusive & weird? I'm not going to discuss this with you again. Got your own dignity please stop."

@Anewyearanewday I would argue that the information isn't incorrect!
It depends on your individual circumstances at the time as to whether it's better to have a repayment mortgage or an interest only mortgage on a BTL.
I chose to have an interest only mortgage as I was a lone parent to a very young child when I first took out a BTL mortgage, and I desperately needed that income to keep us financially afloat. Twelve years later it had trebled in value and I sold it to release the equity and bought two other properties in the area in which I now live, one unencumbered, and one with an interest only BTL mortgage. I'm now retired and the increased income from an interest only mortgage is more useful than having more equity tied up in the rental property that would be hard to access.
Therefore, an interest only BTL mortgage has without doubt, worked in my favour, and actually proved to be the better financial decision in the long run.

I would not make a passive-aggressive jokey reply - that will allow her to continue with her jokey comments. Either tell her straight that you find it weird and intrusive that she has researched your wealth or say nothing. One of my friends makes jokey comments about my wealth but not because she is jealous or wants to borrow or take advantage (she's got enough herself) she just has no filter - on any topic!!!

What a strange woman. I hate conversations about wealth too. Always make me feel.v uncomfortable and 9/10 the person bringing it up is playing the 'lm considerably richer than yawoo' character. Some people just like being top dog.

I've noticed it seems less of an issue to ask about roles and earning capacity / perks/benefits in social conversation but still makes me wary.

I would be tempted to say something like "lets change the subject shall we, we all know it's terribly vulgar to discuss wealth or lack of .."

Goodness knows how she treats anyone with less money than here. I suspect very badly with lots of unrequested faux sympathy for their situation...ive been on the receiving end! This person seemed more bothered about the fact I rented than I did !

What a strange bizarre woman.

She sounds completely unhinged! I would avoid her company by all means possible. She is not a kind person and is clearly jealous. You need to surround yourself with people who want the best for you.

Sally is an absolute nutjob. I'd keep my distance!

I know people who are well off who respond like this and it’s just irritating.

@Anewyearanewday you sound like my MIL. There is no right or wrong - it’s what suits you and what you’re trying to achieve from your investment. Some people want income, some equity, some a mix of both.