Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

[theidiotswind]

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

Genuinely blow this up @theidiotswind

tell all your friends that this woman has been digging and googling your private information and is now using it against you. Tell her to stop behaving like this and cut her off.

this is a huge deal and she has absolutely no right to do this.

Damned right! I don’t give a monkeys what my friends have/don’t have. And I certainly would not want them to be sizing me/my oh up.

You mentioned priorities before; well, I guess, to put it in terms you'll understand, I don't prioritise thinking about what people might earn or how they might spend their money, or doing (even simple quick) maths about it.
You clearly do things differently to me; that's fine. I've really said all I have to say on this now.

I think you’ve misunderstood, my point was if OP starts making statements like they can’t afford X, Y and Z in an effort to minimise their perceived wealth to their friend “Sally” (as was suggested by another poster) it will be pretty transparent that it’s not genuine.

Sally has already done some sums with a degree of accuracy even if she doesn’t have all the details - OP harping on about shopping on vinted isn’t going to assist.

As is often the case my comments have been taken out of context and down a rabbit hole by someone attempting to discredit the rationale behind the comments and belittle me as a poster.

She's not your friend. You need to detach. Fade away from her view. Don't answer texts - leave the answer for a few days.

Oh come now, I wasn't trying to 'belittle' you! You talked about knowing 'people' (it later changed to one person) who are better off than they claim and how annoying it is. That's what I was talking about.

Love these suggestions!

She is jealous. It’s absolutely none of her business and I would be telling her so. Not a person I would want to be friends with for certain.

I'd be uncomfortable too.

If you want to keep her as a friend, tell her she's misunderstood whatever info she thinks she has and you don't want to talk about it.
Otherwise consider removing her from your life.

If she says anything else, you could tell or text her you'd seen a thread on mumsnet and you laughed because it could have been written by you and send her the link. She'll guess it's you but hey, deny, and move on. She'll have got the message from everyone's comments🤗

I hope your HMRC affairs are in order. Off note, the fact that your friend "just pays your mortgage" as you put it doesn't matter, it is an income. The reason I mention this is your friend is a psycho so I won't be surprised if she contacts the HMRC flagging you for tax evasion. Cut her off. Life's too short to have poison in your leisure time

Easy, you just say No. She's a vampirical psycho. To even spend a moment analysing someone else's wealth is weird but to tell them and be aggressive with it is so so toxic. You cannot have anything to do with this person going forward. Her behaviour is not normal.

No it is rude OP. I would say steer very clear of the pair of them! It has absolutely bugger all to do with them and you should tell them as much. I'd be really angry if someone had done all that nosey parkering about me. Your worth as a human being is 100% unrelated to your assets. You seem like a lovely person and the fact these people are making you doubt your life choices is really unfair. Bin them off.

How about “I’m so embarrassed for you. Why would you say/do/tell me that?” and look incredulous.

Its never occurred to me to stalk someone else and find out their financial situation. If I did do it, I’d be too embarrassed to tell anyone, let alone the person I did it to. This woman should be ashamed.

Here’s a few responses you can use, she seems unhinged to me, maybe jealous. Friendships should be respectful not judgmental and invasive.

Sally, im not sure why my finances are such a point of interest for you, but id rather not discuss them. Can we change the subject?

I dress and spend according to my priorities, and im happy with that. Lets talk about something else.

ive noticed you have made quite a few comments about my money situation lately. Is there something youre trying to say? Because its making me uncomfortable.

it felt invasive when you looked up my property values and started adding up my worth. That kind of scrutiny isnt something Im comfortable with in our friendship.

Why has this become such a big deal for you? It feels like its changed how you see me.

I would text her next time and say

'Sally I feel really uncomfortable with the comments you've make about my finances, please can I ask that you stop?'

I’d be blunt. My direct response would be to ask her why she wanted to know, and to mind her own damned business, and look furious (which I would be).

This is so bizarre. What an odd friend. I would feel really uncomfortable about this and keep my distance tbh.

Very odd. Strange behaviour. If I was to be generous I’d say you could be flattered that she’s so interested interested in you but no.. it’s not on.

My mother in law is the same - I find it crazy-making! It's none of anyone's damn business what we own and how we spend it - I find it tacky as hell that she behaves this way. The reason she thinks I'm marinating in cash is because I lost my parents in my 20s. When she tells me I'm lucky to have inheritance I hear it as her telling me I'm lucky to have dead parents and it makes me livid. When our roof leaked she was like "lucky for you you can afford a new one" - the thing is, however well off you are having water coming through your ceiling and destroying your items is always going to be a pain in the buttocks especially given that I'm six months pregnant and trying to get our house sorted. I should also mention I spent my entire inheritance on my house deposit so although I'm privileged it's not cash I have available to splash around. She also always gets me to pick up the tab when she's "invited" me for a meal. The insane thing is she spends multiple days a week at the golf course, while i'm working as middle manager in the kind of job that gives you sleepless nights, so when she insinuates that I've been born with a silver spoon in my mouth (and every other orifice) I could scream. I actually just can't stand to be around her anymore - she's a beggar and a bully. As for your friend let her know your finances are none of her business - she needs to respect your boundaries and have some manners

Maybe it's because ou post things like this "ok 🤔 odd that you have time to spend on MN but not be able to conclude that someone on a teachers salary can’t afford a Ferrari 🤣". I can't see anything about teachers or Ferraris above but I can see 'Please be respectful just above where you click to post !

She sounds nuts. Like she has far too much time on her hands. Next time she makes a snide comment say oh yes, I forgot you like to calculate everyone's monetary worth. Especially if others are there. Put her on the spot.

A few years ago, one of my husband's niece looked up his accounts on line and dropped it in to a conversation, oh I see you had a good year financially. He was fuming as she was studying at college and had just learned how to gain access to such information. Really don't understand why people are obsessed with other people's wealth, or jealous of it.

Odd that you picked out my response but not what I replied to..

I would stop this ‘friendship’ and tell the others why. It’s stalking. Bad enough she did it worse she has continued to bring it up.