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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

315 replies

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:51

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

OP posts:
LittleBigHead · 03/02/2025 01:44

She is rude, weird, and intrusive. I'd be distancing myself, and perhaps rehearsing responses to those snide comments re "moneybags."

Maybe look her in the face, directly, and say very straightforwardly that your finances are None.Of.Her.Business

And then ignore her.

OssieShowman · 03/02/2025 01:45

This is bullying at its worst. Time to move on.

user1492757084 · 03/02/2025 01:51

Tell her that what she can't see is how much the bank still owns of your properties.
Tell her that is all goes well, if you live to be very old you might own a share of those properties.

Tell her also that it is none of her business -your net worth.

Christmasbear1 · 03/02/2025 01:55

She's nasty and jealous, I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. But at the same time, let this be a lesson to other people. Most people are jealous and you shouldn't tell them you have things likes properties, holidays, purchases etc it just causes problems in the long run.

LittleBigHead · 03/02/2025 01:56

Thevinegardiaries · 02/02/2025 23:34

£7 to land registry and she would know. Not that I've done that. Lately.

Are you winding people up @Thevinegardiaries ? You sound quite unpleasant in your snooping on friends. Perhaps you need therapy? Or a life of your own.

I had a friend who likes to do this sort of thing (working out who people are in anonymous online forums is their speciality). I am quite circumspect in any conversation with this friend.

LittleBigHead · 03/02/2025 01:58

I know some women like this and they need to feel that they're doing better than everyone else. They can sort of cope with another couple being wealthier, but absolutely not a single woman. This is because she knows she wouldn't be as wealthy as she is if it wasn't for her husband who earns well.

I think @YourFairCyanReader has nailed it. I've noticed this as well, and particularly with SAHMs or women with "naice" jobs and much higher earning husbands. They really don't like single women doing well for themselves.

crouchendtigerr · 03/02/2025 02:01

Your "friend" is very odd, and I'd cut ties.

Monty27 · 03/02/2025 02:06

@theidiotswind call her out on it in public and embarrass her so she realises how out of order she's been.
How in name of common sense did she think it was OK to do that.
Get her out of your life. She thought it was OK to spout it. You won't have done anything wrong.

WhateverEh · 03/02/2025 02:17

the instant she makes such comments instantly respond with ‘rude’ or ‘how rude’ and quickly chat with someone else about something else. Don’t give the behaviour much attention, just a quick sharp ‘how rude’ and put your focus elsewhere.

DiduAye · 03/02/2025 02:29

I'd have told her just how inappropriate her behaviour was and shut ever comment down as it was uttered then cut her out of my life as much as possible I'd also have told the rest of the group why

MrsJHernandez · 03/02/2025 02:44

She's jealous and can't help but say things.

I'd be so annoyed. It's flipping weird and none if her business. What a cheek!

I'd be avoiding her if I could.

Next time she says something, just say "I'm considerably richer than yaaaow" in a Brummy accent!

On a serious note, you could just say it's none of your business. That'll shut her up, and embarrass her. Two for one.

wipeywipe · 03/02/2025 03:05

Does she dislike landlords & is being passive aggressive? It doesn't really make sense to me because she doesn't know how leveraged you are & we aren't talking about. lot of money.

Devilgate · 03/02/2025 03:26

username299 · 02/02/2025 21:54

I would be furious. It's difficult because you're in the same group but I'd give her short shrift.

This 100 percent.

I’m so furious on your behalf I’ve no words.

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/02/2025 03:47

You want to watch her, she’s not your friend in any shape or form. This is bizarre behaviour, worryingly so, to have her noseying into your business in this way, & then commenting!! I’d be putting real distance between myself and her. What an unbelievable cheek she has.

stayathomegardener · 03/02/2025 04:21

I am confused as to how she knew all that information in the beginning?

On paper I look reasonably affluent with a large house I imagine anyone could work out is mortgage free but no one would know I own buy to lets or commercial properties.

Our own daughter didn't realise until she was around 15.

mjf981 · 03/02/2025 04:32

Your net worth is 120k?
That is not particularly high. Most of the people I know, even with 1 house would have more equity from that. So its very odd that she is annoyed at this. What a weirdo. I'd be swerving her going forward.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/02/2025 04:57

This is a situation where directness is called for, I think.

"Sally, why are you obsessed with how much money you think I have? It's rude and weird and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Please stop."

candlerhyme · 03/02/2025 05:49

For her to try and work out how much you're worth is totally bizarre, to admit to you that she's done so is madness. She's clearly insane and/or very insecure.

There is no way I'd have this woman in my life.

GruffaIo · 03/02/2025 05:53

I'm extremely surprised that she knew the addresses of all 5 properties in which you have an interest unless you've been oversharing details about your finances, especially as you say you're not particularly close to her within the group.

We own several properties (not DH's wealth in case that's relevant, but just hard work by two of us, with me out-earning slightly). Friends in a similar position to your 'Sally' would likely not even know how many properties we own, let alone where they are, to be able to look up their value. And school-gate acquaintances wouldn't have much of a sense of our worth from outward appearances (only one cheaper car, often walking or getting public transport for environmental reasons, etc.).

The lesson I would take from this, OP, is to make sure you're not oversharing. Either that, or it's not true.

Diomi · 03/02/2025 06:07

This is really weird, stalkerish behaviour. I would be distancing myself from her.

GoodYawning · 03/02/2025 06:27

Sally doesn’t sound like much of a friend. She has been snooping on you and makes snarky comments calling you moneybags and telling you what you can and can’t afford and what to wear. Sounds like the green eyed monster.

Auldlang · 03/02/2025 06:38

Well you need to own that you are wealthy and fortunate compared to many, many people. You just are.

But she is behaving absolutely dreadfully.

Serpentstooth · 03/02/2025 06:39

"I hope you're not going to ask me for a loan/gift/whatever because, as you have seen from your nosy investigations, I have assets but not free cash. Don't contact me again."

Booboobagins · 03/02/2025 06:45

Your so called friend is spreading malicious info about you. She's hugely jealous. Drop her and don't be quiet about it. Tell people you earn little and the houses are all mortgaged so no cash in them. That you dropped her because she was spreading untruths about you and that you just can't trust someone who does that.

Lurkingandlearning · 03/02/2025 06:48

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:00

Yes there are, and I'd thought about this but then felt that this would break the group up and/or cause bad relations and I just don't want to be the instigator of anything negative really. Not saying I'm definitely not going to do it.

Her calling you money bags hasn’t broken up the group so just say, “You’re not my accountant, nosy rosy.” in a very cheery way. If the group are your good friends why might even chime in and ask her why she keeps referring to your finances. If you get dropped for challenging her they’re not people you want to be around.

I think I know Sally. She’s probably saying quite a bit more behind your back and she’s an arsehole.🫤