Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

[theidiotswind]

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

Hide of a rhinoceros!
Look it's OK to be scraping a living but you aren't allowed to be better than anyone else (or for them to fear you are), thems the rules 😂

I'm just amazed at how rude and intrusive she's been but so open about it.
Shes banana crackers

There's a mum like this in my eldest's class parents - she finds out where someone lives then looks up their house price on Rightmove and then tells other people. It's such weird stalkerish behaviour. I would cut Sally out of your life and tell others in the friendship group why you've done it. I am sure they would side with you. No-one needs that level of bonkers behaviour in their life.

A lot of people seem to assume that landlords are probably outright owners of their properties. If you've never looked into BTL maybe that's an easy mistake to make.

But even if you owned 100% of the equity and were driving around in a Bentley, how much money you make or have is absolutely none of her business. If she doesn't want to be friends with a rich person for political reasons, that's her choice. But what can she possibly expect you to say when she comments on your insufficiently smooth jumper? Does she want you to agree that you should buy a new one?

That said, this kind of rude behaviour is very common in all kinds of relationships. In fact I think most of us are capable of blurting out something like this on occasion — we all know people who are at the far end of some spectrum or other. But taking it to the point of stalking (inaccurately) your net wealth is getting pathological. I'm going to bet that she has what she thinks is "dirt" on the rest of the group too.

OP, is your partnership a limited company? Could she have searched your name on Companies House and found out some of the information there?

Right well OP has explained that she's not fabulously wealthy and so I think my suggestions stand. If the friend finds it irritating maybe the friend will stop making the unwanted comments in the first place

Ditch her - if she believes that someone is only worth spending time based on their net worth then she isn't worth spending time with.

That's your pension pot what she has described, or your rainy day fund but either way, it's absolutely none of her business what you own.

I'd tell her that because she has spent the time doing the maths well you've done the same and you've worked out that she isn't a very nice person to be so materialistic and you don't want people like that in your life any more so you're no longer going to stay in touch with her.

That would be my take on the situation.

Similar circumstances to you and the only phrase I can think of for someone who had enough time on their hands to deliberately poke around in my business would end in off!

Yeah she's a notch and she's sounds like one of those people seems to think you owe her some of your money to 'even things out'.

However, not to split hairs but if you're pulling in 120kpa and you're on your own, then yes you are wealthy! I wouldn't ever use the term moneybags even if I was referring to a millionaire but with that being said, it's incorrect for you to say that you don't see yourself as anywhere near 'moneybags' as £120k per year is almost £100k more than the average person's income! That's a LOT of money.

I own several properties outright, no mortgages and I am very lucky and comfortable. I don't discuss any of this with anyone. Nobody apart from close family would have the information to look up anything about me.
You must have told this woman loads if she's able to look up your properties etc. In future keep it classy, keep it to yourself.

That said she is absolutely a nosey, jealous cow.

I would tell her she needs to get out more and that surely she knows it’s not normal behaviour to try and calculate people’s so called wealth, and that when your group all next meet we can discuss if it’s normal to sit and work out how much peoples house are worth as well as their clothes and other items they owe as she does.

Wow, that's borderline stalking behaviour on her part!! Can't you ask her how she knows where the houses are? Maybe its a good excuse to tell her its not correct (just in case she decides to do more weird stuff) - and then block her on everything. She is creepy AF.

Firstly, stop justifying your wealth or lack of it /lifestyle/relationship status etc you don't have to do that to anyone. Secondly tell her she's out of order and incredibly rude. Regardless of her offering her own circumstances she is seriously overstepping and divulging her own stuff is just an excuse to know yours. CF

Yes. Disgusting thing to do, and what a cheek to tell you she’d done it, let alone keep bringing it up. Tbh, she sounds bonkers. Not a ‘friend’ I would want to keep.

It's not about intelligence . Most people just don't know the ins and outs of others' finances. I think it's pretty arrogant to assume that you can 'deduce' the details of someone else's financial situation.

Sally is a jealous dickhead. What an absolute weirdo.

Not really. I have a friend in particular who bleats on about how it’s “alright for me” because I have more disposable income (again, her assumption) but she has three ponies in the garden and four pedigree dogs. All of which she competes, which is expensive. A horse box worth £70k on the drive and yet she drivels on about not being able to afford “luxuries” and is living off tinned soup. It’s not difficult to deduce that she’s not actually in financial hardship she just directs her disposable income according to her priorities. It soon gets frustrating mustering faux sympathy for someone who is clearly not experiencing the hardship they attest to.

Best thing to say is nothing - people can’t argue with an absent response.

Oh, I stand corrected! You have one friend whose financial situation you (purport to) know all about, therefore most people can generally deduce the financial situation of most other people

Well no, but it is possible to deduce whether or not someone is being deliberately misleading and trying to create their own narrative more often than not. Especially if you know them well.

Unless ive misunderstood the op isn't pulling in 120k a year, she has assets to that amount which aren't even accurate considering the friend has included old discounted designer clothes and the dog!!

Good heavens, if you have the time/headspace/energy to think about all this then good luck to you. I must be doing it wrong; I can't imagine having the wherewithal to think all this about people.
Plus I rather like my friends and I don't tend to judge them.

OP I know someone like this. We are all part of a wider group with several ladies having children with additional needs. "Lisa" recently mentioned that "Joan" (both parents of children with additional needs) had been chatting to her about a recent assessment that Lisa had completed wherein she was awarded additional benefits. Joan was quizzing Lisa about this and was seemingly very resentful about Lisa having the additional income.

She often makes comments about Lisa's ex partner (father of her children with a high profile job) and how Lisa must have no money worries etc. I know that Lisa's ex pays exactly what he is meant to and not a penny over. She works full time and leads a very quiet frugal life so definitely not rolling in it. I suppose its the resentful portion of it that rankles with me and a few others. She is supposed to be a friend but cannot be happy for Lisa. Joan is married and will often make pointed comments about single parents having better treatment etc and how she cannot afford to do anything privately but waiting on NHS for any tests her children require. The joke of it is that Joan leads a far more extravagant lifestyle tha most of us. She is regularly socialising, mini-trips etc. Lisa saved for over 18 months to pay for a private appointment and report on one of her DC so they could access additional help at school and apparently Joan has been very snippy about it. Jealousy and resentment is awful and its coloured our view of Joan. All you can do OP is tell your friend that money chats make you uncomfortable and that she needs to stay out of your financial business. Its nearly creepy that she has gone to such lengths to find out information on you.

It’s not difficult is it? If you know what someone does for a living you’re going to have a good idea of what they earn. It’s hardly a difficult exercise. Most average salaries are advertised. It’s not a matter of “judgment” to have the cognitive ability to do simple sums.

Yeah, look, we just have to agree to disagree. I neither particularly want nor have time to think about what people's salaries might be (and actually I couldn't say I have a good idea of salaries in most if any areas of work outside my own). Nor do I have the time or headspace to do even 'simple sums' about my friends' incomes and expenditure. Or the desire to use that knowledge and those sums to draw conclusions about them.

@MarkWithaC ok 🤔 odd that you have time to spend on MN but not be able to conclude that someone on a teachers salary can’t afford a Ferrari 🤣