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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

315 replies

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:51

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

OP posts:
MarkWithaC · 03/02/2025 08:57

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 08:40

I know people who are well off who respond like this and it’s just irritating.

But it may well be true Confused
And I'm not convinced one can ever say for certain how well off a person is; we all have only partial views of our family and friends' incomes and lives.

MarkWithaC · 03/02/2025 08:58

Anyway, Sally is Looney Tunes. I wouldn't reply jokily but stony-faced: 'Please stop making comments about my finances. You don't know what you're talking about, plus it's rude.'

Oblomov25 · 03/02/2025 08:58

She sounds like a jealous loon. Quietly step back and engage as little as possible.

Wheresthebeach · 03/02/2025 08:59

Tell her to stop being weird. Keep it simple

Curryingfavour · 03/02/2025 09:07

I like looking at houses , I’m fascinated by what people do to renovate/ restore them .
I like looking at floor plans and what’s been done with gardens etc .
Love all the renovation and home shows from Homes Under the hammer to the property brothers .
so I’d look at the property for that reason only .
this “ friend “ is weird and completely out of order

snowmichael · 03/02/2025 09:07

Get better friends

Likewhatever · 03/02/2025 09:09

Next time ask her if she’s worked out how much tax you pay too.

Whyherewego · 03/02/2025 09:11

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 08:40

I know people who are well off who respond like this and it’s just irritating.

More or less irritating than people researching your supposed "net worth" and making unsolicited comments?

Easipeelerie · 03/02/2025 09:17

She sounds extremely weird, rude and jealous. I wouldn’t be hanging out with her any more.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 09:29

MarkWithaC · 03/02/2025 08:57

But it may well be true Confused
And I'm not convinced one can ever say for certain how well off a person is; we all have only partial views of our family and friends' incomes and lives.

Most of us are intelligent enough to deduce when it’s not about affordability but priorities.

whatapalarva · 03/02/2025 09:31

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:09

Thank you for all the suggestions of what to say. I haven't actually responded at all when she's addressed me in person about it, just stumped.

I don't think you need to say anything in response, if others hear her making comments it shows her up to be the materialistic, weird creep she is. Dignified silence is often the best policy. Recently, one of my friends husbands asked a personal money question and I ignored him, he said it again twice (rephrasing each time) in the end I simply said "I wont answer that question".

saraclara · 03/02/2025 09:31

Thevinegardiaries · 02/02/2025 23:08

Well this is the thing. It's having the nerve (or the cheek or whatever it is) to mention it that I find incredulous. I mean, HTF does one even bring this up without having to admit to snooping?

As I said further up the thread, I snoop. I could give lessons on where to find information, how to interpret it, and what to cross-reference it against. I snoop because ( A ) I am very nosy, and ( B ) the internet provides a great number of opportunities to indulge this hobby. Prior to the last 15 years all I could do was speculate.

But even then - as now- I kept it all to myself. I remember years ago someone telling me they'd known me long enough to tell me something hugely personal about their family, and oh how I had to act totally surprised by this revelation, when all I was thinking was "Oh blimey, Mrs so-and-so already told me this years ago, just act surprised, FFS ACT SURPRISED!". So much so, I have totally blanked-out what said revelation was, only that I had to make out it was all new to me.

Even when people are parading their lifestyles in the real world and with photographs on social media for those who may have missed the live event, I would never tell them that I knew it must all be racked up as a mountain of debt because there's no way they earn enough to afford it or have any hope of paying off their mortgage at their age now that they've just moved house to somewhere £300K more, not that I looked. I just wouldn't.

I suggest that maybe you DO say something that lets your friends know what you're doing.

As a private person, I'd want to know if someone was poking their nose into my private business, so that I could deal with them appropriately. Which would probably mean dumping them as friends.

I have nothing to hide, no dodgy past, no debts. But my life, my finances etc are my business and I should be able to share personal information or keep it to myself, with the expectation of some privacy.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 09:34

Whyherewego · 03/02/2025 09:11

More or less irritating than people researching your supposed "net worth" and making unsolicited comments?

More because it’s BS

DolceDingo · 03/02/2025 09:34

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:00

Yes there are, and I'd thought about this but then felt that this would break the group up and/or cause bad relations and I just don't want to be the instigator of anything negative really. Not saying I'm definitely not going to do it.

I think she’s the instigator of something weird! If you show her you’re uncomfortable, it’s an invitation to her to apologise (and explain, if you want that?) and maybe that will help clear things up. Not that you have to pretend it didn’t happen. But just to reiterate - you’re not the one creating the issue here.

I have had a slightly similar situation where a friend asked me very directly about money in a way which I found very nosy and inappropriate (and she was the ONLY person who behaved like this when I happened to receive some money). I made it clear in the moment that I found it very strange, and she picked up on that and acknowledged it, which I appreciated.

zingally · 03/02/2025 09:43

She's just jealous, and jealousy is a very unattractive emotion.

Shireswoman · 03/02/2025 09:47

I've had some really big jobs and large houses. We lost a lot in the crash. I made the mistake of telling a school gate mum. I'm still being routinely asked about my finances to this day. I had sixteen years of 'poor you' bollocks. It's very rude and I now say ask my accountant. I always get asked what my salary is when I get a new job and it's so they can work out if I'll have more than them. None of my friends have big jobs (some are retired) but most are wealthy. Everything has a price.
I would call yourself Rothchild next time this woman says anything. As for valuing your clothes that just weird. Are you suppose to walk the dog in Dolce and Gabbana?

NarnianQueen · 03/02/2025 09:50

I'd publicly shame her as much as possible. Next time she makes a comment say "Oh yes, I'd forgotten you looked up the value of my property so you could work out my net worth..." She needs to realise how completely weird this is!

Rosscameasdoody · 03/02/2025 09:56

I would end the friendship and block her from your social media platforms. She didn’t decide to ‘research’ you at the same time as herself, she deliberately invaded your privacy. I’d pull her aside and tell her that your financial position is your own business, and she’s completely out of order in ‘researching’ your net worth so she can hold it over you. OP I can’t imagine anyone who calls herself a friend behaving like this. I’d tell her how you feel and then walk away. If she’s got to the point where she’s making regular snide remarks based on what she thinks she knows, then I think she could be quite dangerous.

TeenLifeMum · 03/02/2025 10:03

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:57

I am putting a laugh react because this is so bizarre, I cna't imagine it was funny at all at the time!

It was funny in a bizarre way. I was just baffled but I’m not money motivated (to a point I guess I am - I want to cover bills etc but I don’t wish to be a millionaire). I just wish I’d dropped her sooner.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 03/02/2025 10:07

"Sally, you're being weird. Stop it".

willowbrookmanor · 03/02/2025 10:11

It’s strange.

My BIL does something like this. If he meets someone, he does a financial investigation as in, looks up how much their house is worth, looks them up on Companies House if they are listed. Stuff like that.

He then shares the information he has found.

I ask him why he does this.

He just says he doesn’t know.

It’s strange.

Polkadotbabushka · 03/02/2025 10:15

As soon as someone messaged me to say they were finding out how much I was worth, I’d reply and say that’s a really weird thing to do, please don’t! Then next time she mentions money, I’d say what’s this massive big deal with money all the time? Money can’t buy everything! She’s sounds really odd!

AnonymousBleep · 03/02/2025 10:25

Your friend is a weirdo, OP. Who does this?!

theidiotswind · 03/02/2025 10:31

Work is manic today so I apologise that I can't respond to everyone but again, thank you so much for being kind and for the advice.

My plan is to speak to my closer friends in the group and ask them if she's done this with anyone else to their knowledge.
I'll grey rock her in group situations but if she mentions anything again I'll go down the 'You're being very weird and vulgar, I don't have a lot of money, please stop' sort of route.

As for how she knows the addresses, this is the thing, I don't know! I seriously do not think I've ever told this group of friends where the houses are. They know one of them as I used to live there, and they know where I live so that's two accounted for, but (and sounds mad that I didn't think of this at the time of her telling me but I didn't) the other ones, I don't believe I have ever had a need to tell any of them their locations. And this has actually made me a bit more worried-there must be some way she has found out, unless she actually hasn't and has just made an educated guess based on small snippets of information. When work has calmed I am going to go back over our text conversations and see if there are any signs or if I have given any clues about any of it.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 03/02/2025 10:45

From my experience, if you do well financially not all of your friends will be pleased for you and some will be quite jealous. This is the posiiton with this woman. It may time to move on from her.

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