DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

That's such a nasty thing to say. Dad can drop the toddler at nursery and then pick them up once he's finished work. Being a teacher doesn't stop you from parenting. OP should just book that flight and see her daughter. The toddlers will be fine with their dad!

Your daughter maybe 21 but still at uni thousands of miles away from her parents,

Which was her choice. It's not as if her parents moved thousands of miles away and left her behind.

Do people really think op would be able to focus on watching a tennis match if she had a 2yo and a 4yo with her? Or that the 2yo and 4yo would get any benefit from the trip?

And all this about second families - if op had stayed with dd's father and had two more children when dd was small, she'd have had to divide her attention from the start and dd would never have had the opportunities she's had.

If she doesn't go she can be happy in the fact that she gave up a lot of time, made so much effort to get her DD to where is now and spent an extraordinary amount of money on her to get her there and that it is absolutely fine to not have to go to this one event because life is like that.

And perhaps it is actually a good thing for DD to realise that life does not revolve around her.

That sounds like a plan. I'd consider that.

Op, would your young children be Ok doing all that traveling?

I am assuming you are not back at work because if you were, you'd presumably have somebody to look after them who might do a couple of extra hours here and there.

She spent her teens playing tennis, which was her family's joint decision. When you focus on juniors tennis that much, sport scholarship program at US university is quite common outcome.
The daughter is following the path they started all together within her original family. And the family has resources and was supporting her by coming over, so it isn't outrageous ask under the circumstances.

She is in her last year now, so it it clear that the change in support &visits is complete caused by the OP's new family, not something she did or by her "being an adult".

Of course the OP doesn't have to factor her in her life, but than it is absolutely clearly sending the message "I was supporting you when it was convenient, now I have new children with new husband and, knowing about your last year at school, I happily arranged my life in a way which doesn't count with visiting you"

If your flight for the graduation is changeable or cancellable, I think I would offer to swap to come out to the match instead if that's what your DD prefers. That way she is the one making the decision about which event is most important to her

I don't think this is a second family issue, even if OP didn't have other DCs generally it's difficult for people to make so many transatlantic flights in a short period of time - making a living for example would preclude the majority.

Unfortunately tennis is a sport for rich folk mostly so I guess the majority of DPs can afford to be at most matches.

@Claina Your Daughter will probably be feeling usurped by the new child.
A massive age gap, and she probably feels that she's not as important as she once was now the new child is there.

It's quite a common phenomenon, older child and single parent- then the mum meets new man and gets pregnant and lives ''en famille'' as a cozy trio with the older young adult cast adrift {as they see it}.

It's like they feel that aren't important any more.

The behaviour you’ve described re these two competitions is immature. Far too immature for a 21yo who is capable of successfully living and studying abroad.

I imagine she’s feeling a lot of coaching, performance and social stress at the minute, and undoubtedly taking it out on her mum. It’s allowed. Not nice, but ok.

Let it die down. She’s not necessarily going to go pro, this isn’t major stuff in reality (it’ll feel that way to her, but whilst it’s great it’s not give-it-all-up-to-travel-around-the-world-like-Judy-Murray great). You’re going out there for her 3 weeks later. It’s not reasonable to expect anyone, ever, to travel to the US from the UK twice in 3 weeks for two entirely optional events. Let alone when they have small children and a job to manage.

Whether your or she are being unreasonable I think at the crux of this issue is that you (willingly) gave up everything for her and she’s now witnessing you transferring that to your other children and feels hurt. You have brought her up in an incredibly close way, more so than lots of parents and I imagine your bond must be very strong after all those years together as a result. Can you not see how she must feel hurt now seeing you transferring all of that love and energy you gave to her onto your younger children? Whether or not that’s what you are doing is by the by, it is what she likely perceives is happening.

Moving forward you need to try and both reassure her and set clear expectations about how often you can come out to the US. Why are you both only having this conversation now about the important dates? She needs to understand what you are capable of doing and you really need to try and find a way of reassuring her that she’s still as important to you as she always was.

A lot of posters seem to be missing the fact that OP has already planned and booked to fly out to America to support her DD at an event in June.
Her DD is now expecting her to fly out in May (3 weeks before her planned trip) as well. I think at 21 years old she should be able to understand what a huge ask that is. The idea that OP isn't making her DD a priority and has "abandoned" her as some posters are claiming is nonsense. She is clearly a priority, but she isn't OP's only priority and that's entirely reasonable. She is an adult woman who also has a Father, a boyfriend and presumably friends to support her.

I'm really surprised at the number of posters who are suggesting that OP fly long-haul with a 2 year old and 4 year old, and then go back to the States 3 weeks later to avoid her adult DD experiencing disappointment. I'm also envious that so many of you clearly have extraordinarily compliant and placid toddlers who will happily sit for hours on end watching tennis!!

Is the event live streamed?

Can the boyfriend face time you if not so you can witness her competing in real time?

I do think she's expecting a lot from you both in time and financially. Who has the money to pay for childcare and flights and accommodation to America every three weeks or so, that's a huge commitment.

Whilst you would love to be there to support her, I think it's just unrealistic of her to ask, especially as you're going over just three weeks later.

So dad doing competition.

Mum doing graduation.

Seems fair?

DH and I divide things up like that all the time.

I love the idea that it is going to be an “educational experience” for these small children to spend hour after hour staring at iPads on the plane, in the car and at the bloody tennis match. Because realistically, screen time will be the only way to survive the flight and to ensure that Mum is able to give her full, unswerving and adoring attention to Precious Firstborn’s bloody tennis playing, as is clearly expected here by some.

I think she needs to realise life is different when you have younger siblings whether they're half siblings or not. The family base is X she is living elsewhere due to choice/ commitments. Everyone in the family is equally important and decisions can't just be about her all the time. I think she needs to turn down the hard done by dramatics and get a grip however I wouldn't put it like that more along the lines of ' let's look to see when suits and we'll get it booked' ...your travel plans need to suit YOU.

Take the toddler. Your DH will have to deal with the school run. It's a big deal, she's probably under a lot of pressure and wants you there.

Clearly you are incredibly proud of your DD and her achievements, and you did a great deal to encourage and enable her to follow her sporting ambitions. But having a child on the other side of the Atlantic isn't the same as just down the road, and of course the logistics and cost of coming and going are considerable. So she is not unreasonable to hope you could make it, and you are not unreasonable to decide you can't.
In your shoes I would write her a letter, telling her how you feel and reassuring her of your unconditional love and your pride. Tell her how much you love watching her perform whenever possible, and set out why that's not always possible. Tell her how much you wish you could come to see her compete and how sad it makes you feel that you can't. Tell her that her young siblings are not a replacement for her, but that you have the same responsibilities toward them that you had to her when she was tiny.
The point of a letter is that she can read and re-read it, unlike a call that can be derailed by the other person's emotions. A handwritten letter is a rare gift these days and speaks volumes about the care you have taken.

This thread is crazy. What parent in their right mind would bring a 2 and 4 year old to America for a couple of days? It would be nightmare for everyone, especially the mother. Have an honest conversation with your dd op, I guess she’s feeling lonely or jealous of your new family. But no way should you go, you’re already going in June

Take the toddler.

And what is the toddler doing while op is watching the tennis?
What does op do if toddler needs a poo, and says so, loudly, as dd is about to serve for the match?

If they were dd's full siblings, they might very well be doing exams in May, given a typical age gap, so op still wouldn't be able to go.

If it were me, I’d go. It could be made to work.

I've read all your replies, but not everyone else's.

Of course YANBU for not going to this event. It would be incredibly logistically difficult and expensive, and you are going only 4 weeks later for her graduation.

But I don't think it really matters who is being unreasonable.

she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children

This line of your post stood out to me. It sounds like your lives have changed enormously over the past 5 years and you need to focus on how you keep your relationship with her solid.

If I put myself in your DD's shoes, she grew up as an only child - having your undivided attention and feeling you were sharing in her sporting dreams. Then as a young adult she has two younger siblings who (by necessity) take up much of your time and attention. At around the same time she leaves home, moves abroad and focuses on college athletics (which I don't know much about but I suspect is probably intense and stressful) - and she is a v long way from home and her support system.

You can't help that you can't go to this particular event. But I would have an honest conversation with her about how yes your circumstances have changed and it's harder for you to attend (partly because of her siblings and partly because she is in America!), but she is still loved and cherished - and you are so proud of her. And asking how you can you support her and make her feel your love even when you're not able to physically be there.

You don't mention how your relationship is otherwise - whether you speak a lot, whether you're still involved and interested in the details of her training. But there's lots you can do to show your love and care from overseas. I'd be focusing on that rather than the rights and wrongs of this specific ask.

The older daughter can have any feelings she wants.
But part of growing up is learning when those are your issue, learning when you are being unreadable and learning how to get the hell over it.

You could make it work if you really wanted to.
You ate looking for every excuse not to go instead of trying every way to get to go,

I can see why your eldest child is upset.

That’s different to your parents support.

And as PPs have said, it’s an event where parents are expected to attend and DD will
possibly be the only one without parental support.

And no obviously she wasn’t an immaculate conception which is why her dad is willing to pay for OP to attend and has said cost isn’t an issue.
He is not able to attend the one in may but attends the others, as PP has said.

It's not different when you've chosen to move continents.
And OP is going in June.

So she is well covered. At 21 she needs to get a serious grip quite quickly.