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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

289 replies

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:23

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 02/02/2025 12:25

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 02/02/2025 12:23

Take your 4 year old out of school and go it’s a much more educational experience than a week of colouring in. Your 4 year old isn’t even compulsory school age.

what 4 year old is going to happily sit and watch tennis for hours?

There's nobody I lobe enough to put myself through that horror.

And that's without the travel.

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 12:26

Snoopdoggydog123 · 02/02/2025 12:15

But they don't want to.
And that's OK.

She doesn't need them there.
She has other support.
And it's ridiculous to demand someone do this to show up for a thing they may not even be into.

Show quote history

What other support has she got?

Phineyj · 02/02/2025 12:28

Dad, boyfriend, presumably coach

GreylingsSkin · 02/02/2025 12:29

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 02/02/2025 09:36

She could well be feeling left out, new family, new kids, mum no longer coming to watch her compete, she's wondering where she fits in your life. They're not instantly grown up at 21. Did you think to give her a heads up this was coming so she'd be mentally prepared or just last minute?

This. I’m the eldest daughter for my mother. And I felt utterly pushed out by her second family. If I ever separated I’d never have more children as I know first hand how shit it is for the first child. You feel forever the third wheel in your own family,

latetothefisting · 02/02/2025 12:31

Cremeeggtime · 02/02/2025 12:23

The young person's father has offered to pay. So that's not the issue. Shitty too that he never goes.
The OP can absolutely say she doesn't want to. But it sounds more like she has told her dd that she can't which may not really be true. Dd probably sees her competitors all with parents around them, and is having a wobble when talking to her mum. You can still miss your mum at 21 (or at 51).

where have you got that the dad never goes? it literally says in the OP " I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week."

latetothefisting · 02/02/2025 12:31

Phineyj · 02/02/2025 12:28

Dad, boyfriend, presumably coach

Not to mention teammates, friends,etc.
(I know teammates isn't exactly the same in tennis as it would be in, say football, but there will be other players in the uni that she practices with/plays against etc.)

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 12:32

purpleme12 · 02/02/2025 09:54

How is this ridiculous?

Show quote history

Because there could be numerous reasons why the OP’s daughter is living abroad. If she has been there awhile, then presumably it was with OP’s support.

Because if someone moves away, it does not and should not mean that the responsibility for keeping the relationship going falls solely to them.

If OP can’t afford the trip, or can’t go due to other reasons, then of course that is fair.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 12:32

Lunde · 02/02/2025 12:19

Is it the NCAA championships? this is a major event

Or is it her Senior Day/Night? This is really a huge deal in US college sports and its usual for parents to be there and accompany their child out into the arena - she'd likely be the only seniorv without a parent

NCAA Championships is the may one yes, ITA Indoor Championships Next Week. I know how important they are, I really do.

Last year I went to the ITA All-American Championships, The ITA Indoor and the NCAA Championships. Her dad went to the NCAA Individual Championships. We understand how important it is, but it is a massive drain on resources.

She hasn't mentioned Seniors Day/Night - usually If I'm not told about something it means her dad is going.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 02/02/2025 12:35

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 12:26

What other support has she got?

Show quote history

Coaches, friends, any colleges she's made.

It's not her mother's job to make her friends as an adult.

And presumably she wasn't an immaculate conception.

Vaxtable · 02/02/2025 12:35

Sorry but you are just coming out with a load of excuses, if you really wanted to you would make it work.

Your daughter maybe 21 but still at uni thousands of miles away from her parents, one of whom has now decided not to attend two key events so yes I bet she feels homesick, and abandoned, and you are telling her your new family is far more important than her.

Teachers can get time off if needed, I have family members who managed to get time of term time, or can he arrange something to do the school runs and come in a bit later?

You could over just in time for the event, hell you could take both kids, at 4 it won’t matter if they miss a few days school

I could understand if they were just normal events but these are key ones, and you are not going to either, her reaction tells you everything, she feels unimportant to you now

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 12:36

Again @Claina how are you going to feel if it is the last major championship she plays and you weren’t there

Codlingmoths · 02/02/2025 12:40

Agix · 02/02/2025 09:27

You didn't prioritise her over your other children, you didn't have other children back then.

You can't blame her for the choices you made when raising her, and you certainly can't blame her for having needs and claim a gold medal for catering to them! She's your child!

You now have to prioritise your younger children and, for you, that leaves no room to support your eldest. Maybe you can't get their dad to take care of your younger children whilst you fly out for a few days. Maybe that's just the way it is. Wait, why can't you do that again? Is he utterly useless?

she has done far more than your average parent to support her child. Have you done any of these things she lists? I certainly haven’t!! And won’t re homeschooling unless it’s a medical /special need! When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete

HellofromJohnCraven · 02/02/2025 12:40

There is nothing practical you can do but it sounds like she just misses her Mum! If she is coming up to the end of college there is lots of pressure. Not least of which is will she make the leap into the pro circuit.
You know you are not being unreasonable but don't take what she is saying as entitled and ungrateful. She is probably sick of being a grown up!

Cremeeggtime · 02/02/2025 12:44

latetothefisting · 02/02/2025 12:31

where have you got that the dad never goes? it literally says in the OP " I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week."

Show quote history

Oh sorry, it's the graduation he isn't coming to.

purpleme12 · 02/02/2025 12:47

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 12:32

Because there could be numerous reasons why the OP’s daughter is living abroad. If she has been there awhile, then presumably it was with OP’s support.

Because if someone moves away, it does not and should not mean that the responsibility for keeping the relationship going falls solely to them.

If OP can’t afford the trip, or can’t go due to other reasons, then of course that is fair.

Show quote history

So you're now saying it's not so ridiculous to realise that family can't be at every event financially and their timewise?

TwentyKittens · 02/02/2025 12:48

I think since this is her last event it would be better to attend, however that is facilitated.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/02/2025 12:49

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Show quote history

Absolutely NOT a ridiculous thing to say.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/02/2025 12:54

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 12:36

Again @Claina how are you going to feel if it is the last major championship she plays and you weren’t there

Well on the basis she says she is about to go professional I doubt it will be. Indeed will the DD then expect her to drop everything to support her at every professional event too?

It just won't be feasible and the DD should realise that is the case and accept that her mother is not at her beck and call in the way she once was.

If the DD is really just pushing back because she doesn't like that there are now siblings om the scene (and is put out by this) then I don't think it is too harsh to remind her of all the years OP did put her own life on hold to ensure DD got this start in life and the opportunities she has had.

But diva behaviour (my take) isn't acceptable but OP needn't phrase it like that

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/02/2025 12:54

GreylingsSkin · 02/02/2025 12:29

This. I’m the eldest daughter for my mother. And I felt utterly pushed out by her second family. If I ever separated I’d never have more children as I know first hand how shit it is for the first child. You feel forever the third wheel in your own family,

Show quote history

Secretly this is how I feel about “second families” too. It’s rarely fair on the existing children - and what’s to stop both their parents doing it, so they feel like the spare part in two otherwise complete families?

But it’s not considered acceptable to say that!

I am divorced and no way would I have been starting a second family to try to “do it right” the second time 🤔

Spirallingdownwards · 02/02/2025 12:56

TwentyKittens · 02/02/2025 12:48

I think since this is her last event it would be better to attend, however that is facilitated.

Last college event but about to go professional so not last event.

Caerulea · 02/02/2025 12:57

Take 4yo out of school & take both the kids for an adventure to see their big sister. Yes you've sacrificed a lot previously but she's your daughter & I'm not sure there's a cut-off for needing parental support (despite what a lot of MN commentators would have you believe).

Dweetfidilove · 02/02/2025 12:58

It's her last competition.
You've supported and encouraged her to get this far.
You can afford to go.
The younger children can go with you.
I can't see the impediment.

JMSA · 02/02/2025 13:02

I expected your daughter to be 12 or thereabouts Grin
She needs to grow up, I think. Your Judy Murray days are over!

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 13:02

purpleme12 · 02/02/2025 12:47

So you're now saying it's not so ridiculous to realise that family can't be at every event financially and their timewise?

Show quote history

My comment that it is a ridiculous thing to say was in response to this:

”Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise”

Ridiculous because at 18, she would not have necessarily been aware of the consequences of that decision. And because I’m assuming she went with parents full support.

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 13:05

Spirallingdownwards · 02/02/2025 12:54

Well on the basis she says she is about to go professional I doubt it will be. Indeed will the DD then expect her to drop everything to support her at every professional event too?

It just won't be feasible and the DD should realise that is the case and accept that her mother is not at her beck and call in the way she once was.

If the DD is really just pushing back because she doesn't like that there are now siblings om the scene (and is put out by this) then I don't think it is too harsh to remind her of all the years OP did put her own life on hold to ensure DD got this start in life and the opportunities she has had.

But diva behaviour (my take) isn't acceptable but OP needn't phrase it like that

Edited
Show quote history

Actually she gives the impression going pro and therefore playing in such a big event again is not guaranteed and hints it is likely not

the OP is making excuses not to go becuase if she really wanted to she could do it comes down to

  1. what impact it will have for her relationship with her DD not to go
  2. how she will feel not going and it is the last time she plays