DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

She hasn't "chosen to move continents", she's a college athlete who's been studying abroad. You make it sound like she's turned her back on her family! She will be surrounded by many other athletes with immensely supportive parents - I can understand why she wants a parent there for her last big competition. She doesn't need to "get a grip" at all. She's a very young adult who is used to her family supporting her and is voicing her need for that support one more time.

Of course she's chosen to.
No I don't, but her expectations and demads do not match the decisions she made.

Her family are very very supportive. They are just setting reasonable boundaries.

Yanbu. She needs to understand she can't always have everything she wants and she has to share her mother with her siblings.

This is life. Nobody can drop everything when we want because it'll make us feel bad if they don't. This is ridiculous.

I'd email her and profusely apologise that I couldn't go over twice in two months. Id make it clear she was always my first child, and say how much I loved her. I'd set up a live watch party so she knew she was supported from the UK. She sounds a like someone who is stressed and wants her mum. When it appropriate send her something lovely like a bunch of flowers, to acknowledge your support for her.

If it's too difficult for you to go, it's too difficult for you to go. It doesn't matter how old she is, or how much she strops that's just how it is.

*Let's just do away with schools altogether then "

Not to mention teachers who are qualified in their sujects. Any old website will do to give someone an accurate knowledge and understanding, won't it? Doesn't matter if you get your news from the Guardian or the Mail, does it? One website is as good as another.

Can you go from may till graduation with the 2 little ones since her dad can fund?

She chose to pursue athletics in another country. That automatically puts constant family attendance at her big events out of reach. You now have young children that require much of your time and attention and financial support.

She's being very unreasonable given the situation. She had a long time with you raising her and supporting her athletic dreams, now you have to focus on your young kids like you did for her at that age. That she doesn't seem to get that as she's an adult along with the finances involved speaks to something going on. Stress? Is she wanting you to prioritize her like you did for many years? Is she just being selfish? Why can't you watch online?

No she doesn’t need to get a grip.

She lives in another country and is doing extremely well in a very competitive sport.

She is achieving more than the majority of 21 years olds are.

Wanting support from your partner or parents on one of the most important days of your life, isn’t weak and doesn’t need someone to ‘get a grip’.

She is of course going to feel upset that neither parent can attend such an important event, like any of would.

Of course she does. If she hasn't accepted her mothers first response of not being bale to attend then she is wrong and needs to get a grip.

They can support her, but they can't be there.
It's a fact and she needs to accept it with grace.

I think YABU.
It’s only a few day trip, surely? Why can’t you go to this 1 competition in May that is super important to your DD?

Why can’t your boyfriend be a dad to his DC and handle the 2yr old for a few days without you? Single mums and dads who are teachers do it all the time. Parents who are teachers and their partners go on business trips also do it all the time. At least your boyfriend being a teacher means he can WFH outside normal nursery hours so you don’t really need before or after care, just a babysitter.

If you tried, you could go. You’re going to graduation.

Yes, you have to prioritise younger children but that doesn’t mean your older child in Uni is never the priority.

Her parents could attend if they could be arsed to go.
If she were in hospital from an accident or in jail, I’m sure they’d find a way to fly out.

She probably feels that she would play better, with her loving family there, but you’ve told her that the logistics of pre-school age school runs come first. She must feel so unsupported. Poor kid.

You didn't prioritise her over your other children, you didn't have other children back then.
You can't blame her for the choices you made when raising her, and you certainly can't blame her for having needs and claim a gold medal for catering to them! She's your child!

I agree with this.

Me too. Feel really sorry for her. 😞

Do you speak this way to people in real life or us it just your keyboard warrior persona?

She's 21.

She needs to grow up and recognise quite how much her mother has already done for her. Not every parent does what the OP has. She's gone above and beyond and sacrificed a big chunk of her own life to facilitate her daughter's.

Mothers are people. We are not incubators when we are pregnant and we are not fembots once children are born.

Its misogynistic to not recognise that women with kids are perfectly entitled to fufullment from life too. We don't have to slavishly subjugate our entire being to our children's whims.

She's behaving like a five year old jealous of a new baby and really lacks empathy.

You do deserve a huge pat on the back for getting her as far as you have OP. You sacrificed a lot. It's a shame she's so ungrateful.

I went to live overseas when I was aged 21-24. I landed up in hospital twice, and also graduated with my masters. My mum came once - for my graduation and an extended holiday (3 weeks.) She was a teacher, and had to apply to the Director of Education, with evidence of my graduation, to be allowed an extra week off at Christmas, to be able to attend my graduation.

When I was in hospital, I did cry, wishing she was there. But, never mind it being super late expansive, it would have taken her about 2 days to get there (notice, booking, organisation, never mind 26 hours of travel! I was in NZ).
I had to (wo)man up.

Id suggest to your DD that she make sure she has friends to support her. You’re going for other events - and her dad is going for a different tournament - so she’s doing well for support!! I get she’s still looking for her mum to be there, but we need to accept there’s times our parents can’t be there, as we get older/further away.

exactly
how many people have the money or annual leave to be able to afford this
not to mention the environmental impact of making multiple long haul flights a year
even given the fact that the dd's dad will pay for flights, I can understand why OP would feel weird accepting that much money from someone she's been separated from for decades, not to mention the fact that paying for her flight doesn't also equal paying for the dd
and even if she can take her younger dc out of school NOW what happens next year if the dd is playing professionally?
at what point will the dd accept that mummy doesn't normally come to work with you?

How many families could afford it is irrelevant. This family can. And they didn't care about environmental impact, until visiting the older DD became inconvenient because OP's new partner can't be asked to solve school run for a few days.

This is her last year at school. If the DD tries turning pro, it would be another matter. There is a difference between "mummy coming to work" and "the final performance of her university program".

Well. Not quite true. The Dad can afford it and offers to pay for the Mum to go, but is smug about it. Tbh I’d draw the line at my ex using his money as a way of control. It’s also set completely unreasonable expectations for the daughter. The dad isn’t even attending graduation and yet it’s the mum getting all the stick.

I suppose the availability of money for travelling was part of the decision making process when DD went for the US university.
Completely unreasonable expectations - that's the matter of opinion, and what this whole thread is about.

We know that the dad is visiting some of the events, we (and the OP) don't know how many.
We know that the OP doesn't plan to visit any of the three big tournaments in the current school year (already skipped the autumn one) so together with the graduation the overall plan is 1 out of 4 invitations.
And, once again, the main reason for the change of approach is OP's new family set up in a way which doesn't count with her going away for a few days to see her older DD.

She is being unreasonable to expect you to fly out in May and June, she's an adult and you now have 2 young children, she needs to grow up.

Came here to say this about the 4 year old. Take advantage of a term time holiday while you still can

Is her father also getting the weight of her emotional needs or is it just you thats being made to feel guilty?