DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

Sadly most respondees are missing the fact your partner is a teacher and you are already travelling there in June.

With that in mind, I think your DD is being unreasonable but may not be able to realise that yet.

I went to uni just at the other end of the country and my mum and dad only visited once and then for graduation.

This is the issue with her choosing a US university, it happens to almost everyone as it is such a trek (and the cost) I would say exactly this to her, you would be there in a heartbeat if it was possible, that you love seeing her compete and are so proud of her.

I do think you have invested heavily into her life for decades, it’s a bit unfair of her to insist on this too. That said she is clearly feeling a long way from home, it sounds like she is missing the closeness with you. The younger kids are taking the lion share of your energy. She doesn’t stop needing you - even at 21.

I too would get dh to pick up the 4yr old and take the 2yr old if you can afford it. As it seems to mean so much to her. I would try to be there. Once she graduates is she coming home?

She's an adult. One who chose to move away

OP cab say "sorry that doesn't work, good luck!"
And that's completely reasonable.
She doenst have to factor her in to her day to day life

The adult doesn't get to punish OP for choosing to marry and have more children
Does OP have a say in her daughters life choices?
Who she marries, how many children, what time she leave available for OP?

Your husband has loads of time to request annual leave. Every working person is eligible to annual leave. He needs to stay home with the little ones whilst you visit your older dd for a few days. I'm not surprised she feels pushed out of the family. Go and visit her.

I'm guessing that if you're an athlete you are laser focused and potentially selfish at times. She has to prioritize herself and so may think that everyone else should.

Your younger child does not legally have to be in school until the term after their 5th birthday. Your eldest is feeling that her siblings are now more important than her. Nobody is in the wrong here but please see her point of view, you travelled with her all the time until you had a baby. The timing wasn't great for your daughter, yes she was old enough to travel on her own but the child in her, only see's that she was a lone child for so long then along came a baby and she didn't get her time with you. She has gone off to the US at a young age and you have a new family, she doesn't feel part of that, how can she?

Have you looked in to childminders to enable your dh to look after his dc for a week?

You do know many jobs don't work like that right?
Like teaching?

I think she's being a bit bratty, tbh, and at 21 she should be a bit more mature about things.

Part of being an adult, even a young one, is learning that circumstances often prevent you from getting everything you want. And if she can't see that there are very real issues around childcare, work commitments of others etc, she's being self-centred.

She needs to toughen up and develop some resilience, especially if she's serious about continuing in an incredibly competitive sport.

YANBU, OP, not at all.

The husband is a teacher. He cannot "request annual leave". I assume the May and June events fall outwith the May half term.

The timing was perfect.
OP was able to dedicated unlimited and incredible resources to this 1 child without distraction until a point where she could independently pursue it herself.

OP could've chosen to have children earlier, and her DD may have never achieved this.

In defence of the pp, that rather relevant fact wasn't in the OP! However, between now and May is a lot of time to arrange some paid childcare to work around this, if they wanted to. May is also a month with some school holidays in it so with any luck might overlap.

But they don't want to.
And that's OK.

She doesn't need them there.
She has other support.
And it's ridiculous to demand someone do this to show up for a thing they may not even be into.

Ah he's a teacher. Even if she can't attend the sports match, she could go another time whilst her husband is off term time or during the summer holidays. So she still gets to spend time with her daughter. Or her youngest can stay in nursery until her dad picks her up? You can still do nursery pick ups and drop offs as a teacher.

She is an adult who has moved to the US to pursue her dream. It would be lovely to be there for every event but it is unrealistic.

Actually, I don't know what sort of a moneyed person you are, but for most people, and for me (not particularly poor) with dc in a private school on full fees, and being the only breadwinner, any expenditure of this sort with these flights would have been out of the question. Does your daughter think you are made of money? Or even if you are made of money, does your daughter think you should spend it only on her hobbies (you are not not going to her wedding, her hospital stay, her emergency treatment or her nervous breakdown)?

Cure her of her entitlement and rudeness, before it is too late.

Is it the NCAA championships? this is a major event

Or is it her Senior Day/Night? This is really a huge deal in US college sports and its usual for parents to be there and accompany their child out into the arena - she'd likely be the only seniorv without a parent

And it's equally, if not more than responsibility of the person who moved to organise visits as well.

It's not OPs husbands role to facilitate this adult.
If OP is happy to cut into her own free time then that's 1 thing.
But her husband also gets that equally returned.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She is an adult. If you were a state away, then I’d do a day trip. But if a day trip isn’t feasible then it’s a lot to ask. I’m guessing she made the choice to live in a different country?

Obviously if you can make it, then try - but I would maybe pick 1 competition, maybe one that her dad isn’t attending if I had to go to one.

Sometimes our kids forget that we are there for them and we have been there for them and we do sacrifice for them. She wouldn’t be in the position she is in (most likely) if you didn’t make the sacrifices.

It might also sting for her because other people’s parents will be there. So I get why she is upset. I hope she does calm down eventually and that you can both have a conversation about it.

It does sound like a hard situation for your dd - albeit YANBU on paper.

It’s understandable she would feel a bit abandoned by you having a whole new family even if logically speaking she’s an adult now etc.

The only thing that jumped out at me is where you say “I realised I’d sacrificed so much and wanted more children” - surely that’s you sacrificing all over again for your further children in the same way as for your dd - can you unpack in your mind why you thought of it that way?

Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).

Honestly it does read as though you’re a bit resentful of having to parent DD and that you wanted to be done with her so you can start your new family - this is definitely how she sees it anyway.

I do feel really sorry for her but I also understand your predicament.

Has your DH asked if he can get cover to arrive a bit later?
When I was teaching I would be happy to give up my PPA as a one off to help a colleague.

Could you look into getting a babysitter/nanny just for those couple of days?

Are there any other family members that could go and support her instead?
Like an aunt or grandparent?

even if you didn't have other children, being expected to fly to the US multiple times a year is a huge ask, both financially and in terms of your time. If you didn't have younger children but worked full time, it would take up pretty much all of your annual leave. At the end of the day, it was her choice to go there for uni - I'm sure there were good reasons but she could have stayed here and played tennis if she wanted or gone somewhere in Europe.

Take your 4 year old out of school and go it’s a much more educational experience than a week of colouring in. Your 4 year old isn’t even compulsory school age.

The young person's father has offered to pay. So that's not the issue. Shitty too that he never goes.
The OP can absolutely say she doesn't want to. But it sounds more like she has told her dd that she can't which may not really be true. Dd probably sees her competitors all with parents around them, and is having a wobble when talking to her mum. You can still miss your mum at 21 (or at 51).

But there isn’t a big difference between a trans Atlantic flight and a New York to LA flight, or a Texas to Washington flight - so just be careful with the comparisons you make.

Honestly, I’d own the decision that you are prioritising the younger kids, the same way you prioritised her when she was their age. And now she’s an adult you will still support her by going to her graduation but you can’t be there for her in the same way now she lives abroad.