Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

TBH, you kind of lost the room with the sofa jumping kids and we are a shoes on house
Downhill from there really

It's not clean. People pay a small fortune for carpet cleaning

My friend's mother was like that. She had OCD.

They don't feel comfortable in your house so they don't vist. You don't feel comfortable in their house, so if you follow their example, it's OK for you not to visit them.

Who?

@Springflowersmakeforbetterhours I absolutely hate having to use mils loo and try not too.
There is an outhouse with a loo and I try and use that when I can.
It was one jump from each dc I really can't understand the outrage.

A child calmly climbing onto a sofa and jumping off.
What's wrong with being kind and good natured about it, come on dd, come from from the sofa.

Sounds like fil was getting them excited and they jumped off the sofa. Bet fil got a rollocking when you left op! Fancy having fun at his age!! He should indeed know better!!

It’s because you let the kids jump off the sofa etc . she watches you all as you are not respecting her environment. Her house , her rules.

@thepariscrimefiles

😁 I really like that logic.

You’re getting a hard time here OP. It all sounds so formal and anxiety inducing. I would reduce visits and maybe suggest meeting for a walk in the park. I would feel very unwelcome if I were in your shoes.

Mate. It’s fairly clear they think you are slovenly and dirty.

@Zone2NorthLondon 🤣🤣 I can see that.

I suppose people impose their own visions of what that means onto the complaint

But the reality really is two extremely well behaved polite dc who calmly climb onto a sofa and simply take a jump down 😂.

Maybe they pick up on the strict constrained atmosphere?

I need to say OCD is a debilitating and serious psychiatric condition,it adversely impacts every day life
Let’s clear this up right now, OCD is NOT being neat, it is not being tidy, it isn’t being organised .
I’ll say it again OCD is a debilitating disorder and it’s hard to live with and it’s tricky to treat

@Notreallybarbie1 yes it's very stressful and I feel like I don't want to visit.
I have to watch my every move I'm conscious of drinking my tea, I can't swollow the cake properly, conversation doesn't flow.

Cannot cope with all these high horses. A kid jumps down from a sofa once, with grandpa encouraging it it sounds like? how can you judge her parenting so harshly from that? None of your kids ever did something on a playdate that you were a little embarrassed by? Perfection behaviour without any errors from age 2?

Anyway, back to the other 90% of the OP. I would feel similarly with such formality and observation at a parents/ILs house. Maybe meet for family-friendly days out instead, or at the park. Somewhere your kids can let off a bit of steam and where you're not neutral territory!

Take a board game, or a pack of cards to teach the kids how to play Rummy, a plastic table cloth and some craft. Anything to get you all together having fun. Make the effort. They sound anxious to please but don’t quite know what to do with you. No one should be jumping on sofas or wandering about. (A relative of ours used to hand out crocheted slippers to visitors and ask everyone if they had washed their hands after going to the loo).

But the reality is, you know it’s likely to happen, so you anticipate that and get a strategy to prevent it
YES. maybe the atmosphere is uptight and they act up, highly likely. they’ll pick up from you
So, what you going to do?

Unfortunately they don't like coming to our house, we have invited them.
They won't accept any offers of tea or snacks and don't seem comfortable.

Why do you think that is?
How do other people feel coming and eating at yours?
Essentially do you have some extensive cleaning and child wrangling to do? Or are they extremely uptight about kid's behaviour and hygiene? Or are you both at opposite ends of the spectrum of what would be considered normal by most people?

I would absolutely hate that.

At the end of the day, it’s their loss that they won’t have a loving close relationship, they can enjoy their crumb free life.

My mum has an open fridge rule, and the kids are welcome to make themselves at home. They might even have made sofa forts or even jumped around a bit at their DGMs house. Happy memories all round really.

Who suggests the visits? Send dh with the dc.. Maybe when HE is expected to 'control' the dc she won't be as bad...

You're not going to win here OP. Mumsnet thinks anybody who is a shoes on household drags dog shit all over their carpet on a daily basis. Personally I grew up in a slipper household so shoes were taken off in the kitchen and put away. Any carpeted areas were slippers only. Visitors usually kept their shoes on though.

I don't have carpet anywhere in my house so wouldn't insist visitors take their shoes off unless they offer. Any friends will usually offer and they get offered the guest slippers.

My mum is like your MIL. In the old days she would have been described as house proud. Nowadays I'd say she's mentally ill. I don't visit very often and if I do we sit in the kitchen not the living room as it's a hell of a lot warmer.

My mh improved massively when I stopped visiting ils...

If your children jump on the sofa and chairs with their shoes on, it's not surprising your in laws aren't keen on visiting - I wouldn't fancy sitting on someone's sofa if children had been jumping all over it wearing shoes!

It sounds so uptight. My ex PIL were a bit like that.

Every time we put something down, she’d pick it up and put it in the room we were staying in. Never relaxed. No lingering over the dinner table. No going with the flow. Frowned on if you wandered through in PJs first thing to have coffee. Instead expected you to shower and dress first. Lots of fussing around. I found it too much.

I’d limit how often you go and if you live nearby maybe suggest meeting them on neutral territory (e.g. at a country park with a nice cafe) with the kids. Or for picnics in the summer. We didn’t have that option as we lived too far away for a day trip or even one night.

I think some people get used to having their home ‘just so’ (unlike our home which is always dishevelled and people popping in and out) and feel anxious about having visitors. Some people just aren’t very good hosts. The art of being a good host is people feel welcome, relaxed and can be themselves.

What does your DH say, were they like this when he was growing up? Does he notice anything or think it's all OK?
Tbh, it sounds to me like there is something behind all this, like one of them having some kind of anxiety disorder or something? And as she isn't being rude or critical to you but just the atmosphere is making you uncomfortable I'd say suck it up and keep visiting for the sake of your DC relationships.
Not everyone's house is a 'muck in and all act like family'. Them prefering a more formal hosting isn't 'refuse to visit' worthy IMO.