Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

Maybe she has ocd or some other sort of anxiety and she feels the need to be in control. It’s her home and while it’s not ideal, it’s not all the time. I think just grin and bear it. I suspect it’s not easy for her and she probably wishes she could be more relaxed but she can’t (said as a suffering control freak).

Crikey, if my MIL got actually cross at my children for jumping off her sofa one single time then I wouldn't take them back over. Young children can't be perfect 24/7, mistakes happen and they are learning! However if it became a reapeated thing and they didn't listen then of course that would change things.

Does she have any toys or books there that the children are allowed to play with or does everyone just have to sit on their hands there, tidy, seen and not heard.

It’s not polite to jump off your host’s furniture.

YABU to expect to feel as relaxed in your PIL’s house as in that of your parents.

Maybe she is justified in controlling your visit after all you let your children jump on furniture.

This sounds bloody awful!
Those saying kids shouldn’t be jumping off the sofa, if you invite kids over it’s what they do! Unless you plan to sit down and entertain them with toys and games! It makes things very uncomfortable worrying if they touch, break or make a mess! My MIL was a bit like this when she lived with her ex so we just didn’t go there as it was too stressful for us!

If they won't visit you, then there can be no expectation you visit them. They can hardly object, when they do the same, so just don't go.

And will you please tell us all what your DP thinks of all this?

I’ve just had my grandkids here with their parents and I’ve told them off twice for jumping on and off my furniture. I don’t care if it’s anal, I didn’t let my kids do it and nor should they, I’ve also had new sofas and not allowed near it with food and chocolatey fingers..

however everything else is go with the flow, ds still helps himself to my snack cupboard and i just tidy up after they’ve all gone. I still have messy teens at home so can’t be bothered to be completely uptight

I would never 'go to the fridge' or 'make tea' in someone else's home, not even my (late) MiL's, nor my DiL's, my DS's, nor DD's - it they tell me it's ok, then I would but it's not my house, so I can't wander round the rooms as I like. Nor would I let my kids jump off sofas if they were still that age. Ask MiL round to yours, it will be much easier.

People who realise their shoes have shit on them

my house is a shoes on house. and will always will be. I don't want to see your Ugly smelly feet or socks. my mother on law is in her 80s she can't bend down to take her shoes on and off all the time. my house welcome to anyone. would rather is full of people visiting and the craic then no one coming and house prestine. the world is full of dirt
op i get you to a certain extent my nieces here tonight. shoes are on they are allowed in the fridge there is a bit if a mess after dinner. however they are not allowed jump on the sofa. mess happens but they sit at the dinner table for tea and biscuits. you have to teach them certain things but I alos wouldn't go to your in laws house either

I’d stop going, let DH manage it if they won’t come to you. DC are going to be happier in their own environment, they need to make the effort to come to you.

If you let your child jump on and off the furniture, I’m not surprised she’s cross. How rude and uncaring of you to allow it! Does your child do that everywhere they go? If so, I’m surprised you are ever asked back. Do you want to be mother to an unruly brat??

Mumsnet is mad, there was a now deleted thread a week or so ago where someone said their MIL let their grandkids run riot bang furniture with sticks jump around not use table manners etc so she was gonna stop the MIL having her dd for childcare and put them in a more structured environment people were literally accusing her of child abuse for stopping the MIL having the dd and putting her with ‘strangers’ saying kids that are in preschool are traumatised with attachment issues, that the MIL has every right to be furious and upset etc and now you get a thread where a MIL won’t even let her OWN SON make a cup of tea in her house and it’s perfectly normal, a MIL is a ‘host’ not a family member, kids shouldn’t move or drop a crumb and the MIL in question isn’t in the wrong the OP’s kids are clearly feral and they should be grateful to even be allowed in the house of their grandparent 😩😂🙈

Exactly!
OP you sound over sensitive.
I think meeting in a neutral place would be less stressful for everyone.

@Zone2NorthLondon@Zone2NorthLondon maybe

@Polkadotbabushka I ve never seen or heard it when we are there but I know before our dc when they had friends with dc visit they were discussing putting stuff away first.

My MIL was a beautiful woman, so absolutely lovely, seriously, we got on the very best and Id often visit without DH

Yet she was very "old school". You didn't just rock up, you rang the week before and asked if it was convenient . If you did turn up unknown, well you would be hard pushed to be even offered a cuppa, yet if she knew you were coming - cakes and pastries galore

I personally don't like the kids or grandkids rocking up without notice, but then again we are that laid back, I let the kids tear on, just stepping in to remind them Im not baby sitting and can they go sort out their children

Jumping of the furniture? Our GD is the age where she likes to sit on the arm of the sofa or just flops , I will chastise if the parents don't jump first . Sure with shoes off, the are allowed to stretch put, but my sofa is not a trampoline

TBH I think you are rude not accepting other peoples boundaries within their own homes

You’d never make your MIL a brew ? Wtaf are some people’s lives… you’d die living in Lancashire, people even make tradesmen brews and food and invite the postie in for a brew round here! And we might even let a friend or family member touch the kettle!!! Christ, hold your pearls guys, a crumb might fall on the floor !

I agree with this! I go into PILs fridge and make everyone tea as does DH at my parents' , they do the same at ours

ETA no jumping on sofas though

I don't walk in dog shit and I don't let my kids do that either. We usually change in to slippers but not at the door and nor do I make guests remove their shoes.
I trust them to wipe their shoes off on the mat and not walk in dog shit.

I would prefer the host/ guest dynamics with my mil but she keeps pushing boundaries. Comes to ours with her own slippers (as messy as outdoor shoes), puts feet on the sofa, lays whenever she likes, switches on tv/ changes channels, fusses over the meals I've prepared asking for something more/ different...

When we are visiting there's never cake and tea! We are expected to 'feel at home' and fix something for ourselves (with very limited supplies). There's nowhere to even sit as she uses all her furniture as a table- she has stuff everywhere. She'll never tidy just because 'family' is visiting.

@ShowHouse I think you’re being unreasonable.

I could be your mother in law. I’m very hospitable (I think), I welcome people into my home and feed and water them, chat and enjoy their company. But I also suffer with OCD, and have done since I was 2 year old. I still have many of my toys in original packaging, purely because I didn’t like to open things and kept them pristine.

My house is no shoes, and I can feel anxious about crumbs and spillages. I wouldn’t like children jumping off my sofa, even on one occasion.

Having things very particular is important to me and when things are irregular, I can begin to have distressing thoughts and feelings. I can literally panic over a squished cushion and feel like if I don’t squishy, something bad will happen.

Now, my family don’t understand the extent of my OCD as I simply don’t share it with them or explain myself. They just consider me to enjoy living in show-home like conditions and be quite particular.

I do my best. I try to be welcoming. If my future daughter in-law stopped visiting, or worse, stopped my son or grandchildren visiting I would be devastated.

I would try to visit you, but whether I could would depend on your home. Animals are out. Dirt is out. Mess I struggle with.

I think you should accept this is how she is. She doesn’t sound like a horrible person. Surely you can tolerate it for a visit now and again.

@KindLemur your correct I was on that thread.

Invite the PILS to soft play. Sounds like the poor FIL might enjoy himself ajd the MIL might pass out from shock win win 😂😂

Well said.