Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

Of course they're visitors! I wonder how many people thinking the same way as the person who said one's children are not visitors would accept the reverse, ie when parents visit their child's home they're not visitors and can do as they wish? Surely her MIL isn't allowed to think like that, there are those pesky MN things, 'boundaries'!

I’ve seen food debris scattered everywhere described as ‘some crumbs’, so that can be open to wide interpretation.

Taking shoes off is normal imo. I don’t think not wanting people to freely wander around your house and help themselves to whatever is in your fridge is at all unusual either. As far as jumping on the couches goes - well, no shit they don’t like it. It doesn’t actually matter if it can cause damage or not, don’t allow your kids to do it in someone else’s home.

Your way isn’t the ‘correct’ way, but nor is hers. You’re both doing what works for you, and both of you are well within the realms of normal as far as standards go. You’re just different. You don’t have to like or understand her standards any more than she does yours, but if you’re in her home then it’s on you to respect them. Or don’t go to her house.

I will never see my children and grandkids as 'visitors'. They're my family who've come round to see me.

They can go anywhere in my house and put the kettle on any time they like. They will of course ask before helping themselves to a snack, though usually I get the offer in first.

I have a couple of 'Grandma's house' rules for the grandkids that aren't rules at their house, but they've grown up with them (they sit at the table to eat, not the sofa, for instance) as I have them for occasional childcare.

I didn’t mean literally jumping off the sofa non stop, I mean kids tend get a bit wild and want to make dens with the sofa etc!

I don’t let me son go to random houses and go wild over the sofas but think kids sometimes like to have fun and do stuff like that! And it sounds like the OP FIL encourages it!

When they are producing this kind of feeling it seems to cross the line from just being overly house proud to being manipulative, with a situation that can move on to being low level abusive. We went through it with MIL and SIL (who lives at home and has diagnosed untreated MH problems, but is also very malicious and manipulative). We are now very low contact (SIL basically drives all the GC away from PIL) and neither MIL or SIL will ever have any solo contact with DC after I have seen and learnt of more disturbing things.

It is about control and put downs, in our case driven by a complete lack of reality.

Even if it is not as bad as our case do not let her obsessions make your DC feel bad.

YANBU, I would also object to being controlled.
However, I do agree with taking shoes off indoors and I also agree that children shouldn't be jumping on the sofa.

These folks are family, not some random! YANBU

Nope - sofas are for sitting on. Not for making dens. We will have to agree to disagree. Messing around with sofas is one of my big bugbears. I didn’t allow jumping on beds either

Hi,

sounds like you have a complete different way to envisage home or visit to family.
Can you not stick to hers whilst you are there and invite PIL over so that you can also relax?

You need to be flexible and ready to hear other point of view that you disagree with.

Good luck op 🌺

Okay sofa jumping aside, I’ve always felt very comfortable in my parent’s house and my in laws. Very much a ‘feel at home’ vibe. My in laws don’t care if DH or I make tea at intervals and my parents are the same. (My in laws work from home so in fairness they can’t really wait on us all the time).

Maybe it’s a personality thing? or maybe she’s forgotten what it’s like to live with small children. I would never mention crumbs in front of guests, I think that’s a weird and passive aggressive way to behave.

You may have to reduce your visits and when you do visit, just accept it’s the way she is.

My in laws could be hard work, but not once was I supervised removing shoes. I totally get you, it’s too much.

I was however conscious that his mum kept everywhere really clean and tidy so I would feel anxious if the kids were making a mess, my mil actually didn’t mind.

There was one occasion I came home from work to all three kids jumping on the back room sofas and told them off and her response was “they said they were allowed to do that” 😆. Because 5,7 and 9 year olds were to be believed….

Are we allowed to have sex on sofas

Read all your posts, OP, and am struck by how timid your DH is with his parents. He needs to stand up for himself and his family. If he's really struggling some counselling might help. Life is too short to live like this, your MIL does sound extremely controlling. If things don't improve send him over with the kids and stay at home. I think you are developing hormonal migraines, aren't you? 😉

Yes we can agree to disagree! I don’t enjoy it when my son wants to mess up the sofa and make a den but my DH thinks I’m mean and so I am a lot more chilled now!

Well then you have nobody to blame when your family decide it’s too unpleasant to visit you and you become isolated and lonely.

Or she’ll be totally fine in the company of people that don’t take any issue with her house rules.

Did you just read this one post in isolation, or did you read my initial post, which this led on from and clearly explains I suffer with debilitating OCD and I need my home to be structured, organised and safe (from my perceived fears).

I do not just choose to be particular and controlling of my own space. I have to put my mental health first in my home and I try to manage it when I visit others, but in my home doing things a particular way matters.

Although I don’t broadcast my OCD to friends and family, the people who matter know and understand.

Blimey my in laws have an amazingly clean tidy lovely home but if we go over there's up to 7 kids sometimes and it's actually lovely watching them all playing running round laughing and I know my mil loves seeing them all so happy and also floor is lava is a must with cushions off the settee lol xx

It’s her house and she’s obviously houseproud . What’s the big deal ? And who wants kids jumping on furniture…. Or helping themselves in the kitchen . You’re putting your relaxed style as a benchmark which is unfair . If you feel that strongly don’t go ..or send your husband .

OFF FFS. Off.

Not sure what prompted this reaction ..but errr ok ?

Absolutely not!!!
It might lead to jumping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP, it sounds like the visits are awful. Don't put your kids through that feeling of being unworthy, or maybe limit it to once or twice a year, two hours max.
And why are people describing OP's MiL as a good host? Mentioning the housework guests are causing you is the height of poor hosting.

Sorry I can’t get the image of Hyacinth Bucket out of my head! 🤣

It doesn’t sound like a comfortable place to visit.

However I’m totally with her on the not jumping on sofa thing.

Totally agree the husband should address this with his mother and protect his family.

Skipping visits sounds very appealing, but be cautious. We had a similar situation with MIL and a very malicious SIL who lives at home (has MH issues, though no treatment). SIL has bizarre issues with control and reality and seemed to thoroughly enjoy splitting the family. She has also behaved inappropriately to DC. Please do not let this divide your own family and your DC may need protection (that a wet lettuce of a husband may not be able to pull himself together to provide).

"I do feel for you but you must also realise that any extreme behaviour becomes a burdon for those close to you!"

How absolutely ridiculous. I think you need to realise how much of a burden it is to us with OCD. It's not a fun little game we play. Christ, it's not like we can help the "extreme behaviour" and if those around us think it's such a burden then they can piss off.

Of course YABU. I hate crumbs, kids make crumbs, maybe it is too much for you but so what, it's not your house.

She watches you take your shoes off? And? You allow your kids to jump on - sorry off furniture so I think I'd be watching to make sure you take your kids shoes off too.

She doesn't like your kids jumping "off" furniture. Nor would I, regardless if it's different from jumping on it like a trampoline, that is someone's furniture in someone's house. You can not blame your FIL for "winding them up enough to jump off the sofa" that's on them and on you. Your children should know it's not acceptable.

Her 'rules' are reasonable and if you don't like them you can just not go anymore. I'm sure your MIL would be much happier.