Page 5 | … for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

Thowawayname · 2025-02-01T16:59:08+00:00

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things. My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex? And adding more detail… I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option. I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!! I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone. I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says. I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really. Apologies for the long rambling post.

Glitteringglasses · 01/02/2025 20:14

FullDisclosure · 01/02/2025 19:15

Women's experiences are different at the same age, their bodies are different., they'll tell you different things.

Humans over a certain age are past their reproductive years and their bodies are just playing out that natural cycle. Women lose sexual desire and experience genital changes, men lose the ability to have firm erections etc. Loving bonds remain and historically lots of couples would have gradually replaced sex with different and new experiences individually and together as a family.

This is now poorly tolerated in the West - at least on a social and cultural level. People are meant to be having sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s even. Women receive so much pressure to be performing sex in their post-menopausal years even when they have no desire to or can no longer orgasm. Instead of a new chapter, they have to keep on pursuing this sexual phase and to feel a failure for not doing so. HRT has become a reason for women not to retire sexually, even though HRT doesn't necessarily restore libido. HRT's health risks are often explained as a population-level statistic (low) when an individial woman's personal risk could be quite a bit higher - nevertheless HRT is becoming normalised.

A while ago on Mumsnet a woman posted to ask if it was acceptable she stop having sex with her husband post menopause and some of the responses were eye-opening - her husband was, in some other women's view, entitled to leave because this was not what he had signed up for. So there's an implicit threat there.

I've got no personal skin in this game, thankfully, but am professionally interested in this new shock that older people might not have sex. My opinion OP, for what little it's worth, is that you should do what you think is best, for your own body and mental peace, and if you don't want to dose yourself up, or smear hormone creams on yourself or masturbate someone else as a household chore then you might gather your courage and re-evaluate. Lots of people will be gradually quitting sex as they get older, but they're more shy of saying so now.

Realistically if one spouse loses their sex drive before the other, there is a problem. Like I said, dating sites for married people are full of such men. They are all very clear that they love their wives and will not leave them. But they want a second relationship with another woman with whom they can have sex. Perhaps because they are used to sex within a living relationship, that is the model they wish to replicate within an affair.

This is a risk.

Whoknew24 · 01/02/2025 20:16

Late 30s and wouldn’t care if I never had sex again. I do it as it’s expected, I make the effort know what he likes and can get it over with quickly due to this.

And he doesn’t know this, he’s not selfish and I can easily orgasm. But I have zero interest whatsoever, I view like every other chore I have to do.

CharlotteCChapel · 01/02/2025 20:19

60 for me 69 (ironic really) for DH. Mainly due to ED.

Janiie · 01/02/2025 20:19

Glitteringglasses · 01/02/2025 20:14

Realistically if one spouse loses their sex drive before the other, there is a problem. Like I said, dating sites for married people are full of such men. They are all very clear that they love their wives and will not leave them. But they want a second relationship with another woman with whom they can have sex. Perhaps because they are used to sex within a living relationship, that is the model they wish to replicate within an affair.

This is a risk.

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Just awful. I don't advocate imposing a sexless relationship on anyone, people should work on physical connections or agree to an open relationship.

Lies, deceit and grubby hookup sites is not the answer.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/02/2025 20:20

I left my first husband after 25 years of marriage as we'd not had sex for three and a half years, abd no intimacy. We got back together and he became ill and I couldn't leave. He got better. I left again. I met somebody else 15 years ago, we got married, sex has been mostly none existent for last two years. He says ... well you've been there before ... so I conclude he blames me. Otherwise have a happy and good life. Mid 60s so what do I do now? It is soul destroying to be honest.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/02/2025 20:21

Bigearringsbigsmile · 01/02/2025 17:01

Christ mid 40s is no age.
Why is hrt not an option?

I can't have HRT. Breast cancer in family.

Bartoz · 01/02/2025 20:22

The amount of married / attached women on dating websites is not to be underestimated.

Apparently the majority of "single" women (unicorns) who partake in swinging groups are married and playing without the knowledge of their husband or partner.

It's not just middle aged men.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:26

Garlicworth · 01/02/2025 17:56

It's not the only purpose, though, is it? There's a reason sex gives intense pleasure to both partners and releases bonding hormones.

Back on the OP's question: I'm not in a relationship now, which is probably a good thing as antidepressants killed my libido stone dead. It drops in to say hello about twice a year! The drugs saved my life, not without cost.

My perimenopausal libido was absolutely rampant. Seems to happen for a lot of women, then for others it's the opposite.

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Yes there is a reason sex gives intense pleasure: procreation. The things which keep us alive and pass on our genes give us pleasure in order to make sure we do them. Presumably the early humans who were most driven to have sex and who were most driven to seek out (and most skillful at getting) high-calorie (= most pleasurable) food were the ones who survived and passed on their genes!

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:33

shuggles · 01/02/2025 20:13

I'm referring to myself, as well as other men. I've had various tests done a few months ago (unrelated issues), and nothing came back that would suggest my lower sex drive is due to a medical issue. If every 30-something (or older) man went to the doctor because of a reduced sex drive, it would become the most common medical complaint.

From what I have seen, to me it looks as though (on average) women's sex drives increase as they get older, whereas men's sex drives are particularly strong when in teens or early 20s, but drop off by 30s and older.

I still think it's strange when I see, and hear about, older men who still want to have sex multiple times a week. Again, there's a certain childishness about it- a bit like older men who invest money into "sports cars." It's all very juvenile.

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I don’t know about this.. my husband is in his early 40s and while we don’t have sex as much as we did pre kids (every day), he’s still got great stamina and initiates sex 3-4 times a week.. sometimes more, rarely less 🤷🏽‍♀️ and as I’ve said many times, the more we prioritise sex, the more we want it. I think it’s a case of use it before you lose it!

Ruraljapangirly · 01/02/2025 20:35

shuggles · 01/02/2025 20:13

I'm referring to myself, as well as other men. I've had various tests done a few months ago (unrelated issues), and nothing came back that would suggest my lower sex drive is due to a medical issue. If every 30-something (or older) man went to the doctor because of a reduced sex drive, it would become the most common medical complaint.

From what I have seen, to me it looks as though (on average) women's sex drives increase as they get older, whereas men's sex drives are particularly strong when in teens or early 20s, but drop off by 30s and older.

I still think it's strange when I see, and hear about, older men who still want to have sex multiple times a week. Again, there's a certain childishness about it- a bit like older men who invest money into "sports cars." It's all very juvenile.

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What a fucking weird thing to say. Of course it's not childish to want sex - it's a natural human drive and wanting it shouldn't be treated as a perversion. We're not talking about rape or pedophilia here, we're talking about within loving relationships

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:35

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:26

Yes there is a reason sex gives intense pleasure: procreation. The things which keep us alive and pass on our genes give us pleasure in order to make sure we do them. Presumably the early humans who were most driven to have sex and who were most driven to seek out (and most skillful at getting) high-calorie (= most pleasurable) food were the ones who survived and passed on their genes!

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So wait you think we only enjoy sex for the purpose of procreation!? Why would women have been given a clitoris and a g spot if we weren’t supposed to enjoy and explore sex???

northwestgirl · 01/02/2025 20:37

according to Desmond Morris, sex is not just about reproduction
if it was we would be like other animals and sexually receptive only when we were fertile, and men would be conscious of when that was and similarly want sex only with a fertile woman
His (DM's) idea was that the intense pleasure of sex and its de-linking from fertilisation serves to cement and maintain the pair bond between parents which is necessary because of the long period of dependency of human children
since our children, these days, seem to be dependent well into adulthood, this may be why we need to maintain the pair bond well after our fertile years😆

its an interesting idea, I'm not entirely convinced, but there does need to be a biological explanation for why we are sexually active when we are not fertile

Ruraljapangirly · 01/02/2025 20:39

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:35

So wait you think we only enjoy sex for the purpose of procreation!? Why would women have been given a clitoris and a g spot if we weren’t supposed to enjoy and explore sex???

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To be fair so many men forget my clitorus I also wonder why it's there

Thispupsgottofly · 01/02/2025 20:40

Apologies if someone has already said this but didn't we have this exact same thread about a month ago?

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2025 20:42

Hwi · 01/02/2025 17:47

People forget about biology and what the purpose of sex is (and sex drive and libido). And people should never forget about biology, because it does not, unfortunately, forget about us.

This x1000

We’re not meant to be having sex in our late 40s/50s/60 etc. people forget this and they shouldn’t.
I’m 59 and and a regular sex life until a year ago I now have absolutely ZERO libido. I thought this would never ever happen to me but it has. I feel I never ever want sex again although I love my dh absolutely and totally. Thank god dh is extremely understanding. His parents had separate rooms during his childhood and thought that was normal so his expectations are quite low. Thankfully we surpassed his parents.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t want sex again, it’s biology and after 2x Csections, and eptopic, years of worrying about contraception and 40 years of persons I’m done with my vagina having any more interference. (Medically or any other way)

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:43

Ruraljapangirly · 01/02/2025 20:39

To be fair so many men forget my clitorus I also wonder why it's there

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That’s a shame because my husband literally treats my body like a holy temple, I hope you experience this one day 🙏🏽

ParsnipPuree · 01/02/2025 20:43

I'm in my mid 50's, on HRT with testosterone ans still have no sex drive.. if I never had to have sex again I'd be delighted. I do because dh loves it, but I've explained that if his testosterone levels went to zero like my hormones have after menopause, he also wouldn't want it!

PermanentTemporary · 01/02/2025 20:46

I'm 55 and dp is 59. Relieved to say sex is a huge part of our lives. I don't see why enjoying sex is any more juvenile or subject to esoteric theories than any other simple pleasure - food, wine, movement...

His marriage became sexless and I think I can see why. Too long and identifiable a story to tell but i think major illness can understandably be make or break for a lot of couples. For them it broke. She eventually called an end and I think (obviously) she was right to do so.

The idea that the majority, or even a large minority, of men lose interest in sex in their 30s is I would say absolutely wrong. Obviously there are people for whom that's true, or for whom sex is never important. And it's still true that a group never realise their sexuality isn't straight, or has become less straight with age. I kind of thought I might be open to sex with women, but only fully realised that I was bisexual aged about 50.

Ruraljapangirly · 01/02/2025 20:47

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:43

That’s a shame because my husband literally treats my body like a holy temple, I hope you experience this one day 🙏🏽

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Married to a guy who does now, I meant the ones before.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:47

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:35

So wait you think we only enjoy sex for the purpose of procreation!? Why would women have been given a clitoris and a g spot if we weren’t supposed to enjoy and explore sex???

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You have misunderstood my point. I don't mean we only enjoy sex when we want to reproduce. I mean that we are 'programmed' to find sex enjoyable (and have the bits and nerve clusters and brain pleasure centre etc that make it pleasurable) is because we really need to want to do it. Because it makes us go to great lengths to attract a mate and reproduce.

Same with food. Why would we need tastebuds, since food is just fuel? Surely we'd eat anyway (even if food had no flavour) if we knew we'd die without it? Well, yes. But being programmed to get huge pleasure from calorific food really helps motivate us to bother catching that wildebeest. Of course... loving calorific food has somewhat backfired on us!

Grammarnut · 01/02/2025 20:49

My late DH stopped at 78. He died (which meant I stopped too, of course). Otherwise we'd still be having sex. 40's! OP, you need to see your GP about loss of sex drive, there's so much fun to have!

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:50

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:47

You have misunderstood my point. I don't mean we only enjoy sex when we want to reproduce. I mean that we are 'programmed' to find sex enjoyable (and have the bits and nerve clusters and brain pleasure centre etc that make it pleasurable) is because we really need to want to do it. Because it makes us go to great lengths to attract a mate and reproduce.

Same with food. Why would we need tastebuds, since food is just fuel? Surely we'd eat anyway (even if food had no flavour) if we knew we'd die without it? Well, yes. But being programmed to get huge pleasure from calorific food really helps motivate us to bother catching that wildebeest. Of course... loving calorific food has somewhat backfired on us!

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Oh ok, thank you for explaining 😊

Grammarnut · 01/02/2025 20:53

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:47

You have misunderstood my point. I don't mean we only enjoy sex when we want to reproduce. I mean that we are 'programmed' to find sex enjoyable (and have the bits and nerve clusters and brain pleasure centre etc that make it pleasurable) is because we really need to want to do it. Because it makes us go to great lengths to attract a mate and reproduce.

Same with food. Why would we need tastebuds, since food is just fuel? Surely we'd eat anyway (even if food had no flavour) if we knew we'd die without it? Well, yes. But being programmed to get huge pleasure from calorific food really helps motivate us to bother catching that wildebeest. Of course... loving calorific food has somewhat backfired on us!

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Evolution-wise not correct. We enjoy sex so that the couple stay together because we have developed a large brain. This evolutionary choice means that our young are born very immature - otherwise they could not pass through the mother's pelvis - even compared to our nearest relatives, chimpanzees. Thus our young need more nurturing over a long period and it's important the mother has the support of the father for food and safety. That's why we enjoy sex - pair bonding so that the young have a greater chance to survive.

Poisonwood · 01/02/2025 20:57

We haven’t stopped and won’t till we have to. 58 and 68.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:58

Grammarnut · 01/02/2025 20:53

Evolution-wise not correct. We enjoy sex so that the couple stay together because we have developed a large brain. This evolutionary choice means that our young are born very immature - otherwise they could not pass through the mother's pelvis - even compared to our nearest relatives, chimpanzees. Thus our young need more nurturing over a long period and it's important the mother has the support of the father for food and safety. That's why we enjoy sex - pair bonding so that the young have a greater chance to survive.

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But that doesn't make sense. Both men and women could (and do!) get pleasure from sex by going and having sex with people who aren't the parent of our child and continue to spread our genes. The pleasure of sex makes you want to have sex. It doesn't necessarily make you want to be monogamous. In fact it often does quite the opposite!