… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

[Thowawayname]

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

Libido is a misused and largely misunderstood term. It's a catch all phrase that's so cliched it has no practical meaning.

As a comedian said "put a woman with a low libido on a desert island with Brad Pitt and see how she reacts" (insert man and Cindy Crawford for the same point).

Sexual desire in a relationship needs to be nurtured. It's a consequence of psychological intimacy. Each partner in the relationship has equal responsibility to ensure it's maintained. You can't just unilaterally step back without doing serious damage to the other person and the relationship.

Not if you're a BC survivor or at risk of BC. Not much you can do which is very sad!

Totally agree. It'd be like if your dh served up a spam fritter and one boiled potato every night for tea you'd soon lose your desire for his meals.

It's got be nurtured and it's got to be good. On both sides.

I agree. Unless of course both partners agree they don't want it any more!

I know if I sometimes don't fancy it but just go with it I then end up really enjoying it and feel so much closer to dh. His libido has naturally dropped a bit now he's in his 50's - in his 30's and 40's he was a bit of a sex pest tbh and it was difficult when the dc's were young bc I was knackered all the time - but now he's not as rampant it actually makes me feel a bit miffed sometimes! I'd be so upset if he started not wanting it at all.

I think in a long term relationship, a woman shouldn't feel like a sexual object just because her husband fancies her.

@whycantibeselfishforonce you can definitely have vaginal oestrogen cream after BC. Louise Newson and Kelly Casperson are very vocal about this.

But totally understand on the T and O.

Very true. I felt done with sex in my early 40s with my ex, but that was primarily to a lack of substantial emotional connection and his poor skills/willingness to put in the work in bed.

With my now long-term partner (49 & 50), it's fantastic and I hope our 2-4 times per week pattern continues indefinitely.

49 and 47

57 and 58 here still going strong after 40 years and both still enjoying it

Well I'm very happy to have an 'immature' husband in his mid-forties then. I'm nearly 40 myself. We have four kids, teens down to toddler. We both have high sex drives and we're both very happy with that. I can't see it changing... he's the love of my life and the sex is amazing. I don't recognise a lot of the sentiments expressed on here. Shows how very different we all are, and how the key seems to be whether a couple matches up or not in their desire to have sex (or lack of).

Not my experience.
Certainly didn’t want sex when still with my nasty ex- but just not with him.

About a year after we split I remember looking at a work colleague and thinking … well have a guess.

Now with someone new, both early fifties I enjoy it with him. We don’t live together and probably only average twice a month but that is driven by logistics not desire.

I had a gynae cancer 5 years ago when I was 47 and I can't have any HRT apart from Vagifem. My libido since than has been virtually non existent but I make an effort for DH because it's important to him and I love him. We've been together over 30 years and I can never see myself being with anyone else.

Women's experiences are different at the same age, their bodies are different., they'll tell you different things.

Humans over a certain age are past their reproductive years and their bodies are just playing out that natural cycle. Women lose sexual desire and experience genital changes, men lose the ability to have firm erections etc. Loving bonds remain and historically lots of couples would have gradually replaced sex with different and new experiences individually and together as a family.

This is now poorly tolerated in the West - at least on a social and cultural level. People are meant to be having sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s even. Women receive so much pressure to be performing sex in their post-menopausal years even when they have no desire to or can no longer orgasm. Instead of a new chapter, they have to keep on pursuing this sexual phase and to feel a failure for not doing so. HRT has become a reason for women not to retire sexually, even though HRT doesn't necessarily restore libido. HRT's health risks are often explained as a population-level statistic (low) when an individial woman's personal risk could be quite a bit higher - nevertheless HRT is becoming normalised.

A while ago on Mumsnet a woman posted to ask if it was acceptable she stop having sex with her husband post menopause and some of the responses were eye-opening - her husband was, in some other women's view, entitled to leave because this was not what he had signed up for. So there's an implicit threat there.

I've got no personal skin in this game, thankfully, but am professionally interested in this new shock that older people might not have sex. My opinion OP, for what little it's worth, is that you should do what you think is best, for your own body and mental peace, and if you don't want to dose yourself up, or smear hormone creams on yourself or masturbate someone else as a household chore then you might gather your courage and re-evaluate. Lots of people will be gradually quitting sex as they get older, but they're more shy of saying so now.

I’m 56. I’ve been married to DH for well over 30 years. Only time we stopped having sex so much was when each of the children were very small and I was sore and exhausted. Sex life is very much alive and kicking.

OP you are very young to have no libido…

What do you mean by greatly decreased? I mean there’s a big spectrum of sex drives, but every 30 odd year old I’ve met still had a pretty big drive. No they might not be doing it 5 times in a row like a 17 year old, but if they are barely interested (and they used to be) a trip to the GP is warranted I think.

I agree. It's a little disconcerting that so many posters can't seem to understand this.

OP I’m 41 and been with DH for 7 years, we have a preschooler.We’ve had dry spells obviously and we’re knackered but we now make the effort to do it about once a week even if we’d rather just go to sleep because we know we ‘should’ (intimacy, connection etc) and we always both enjoy it. When it goes on too long in between shags we both do get antsy.

Well I'm late 50's and have never lost interest and still have a very healthy sex life

We stopped when I was 45, partly ED on his side and low libido on my side, I'm on HRT and will introduce testosterone and see if that kick starts anything.

But it's just not something we discuss or talk about and tbh it's been so long now I'm not even sure I'd want too!

I do wonder if it will come back, but with a busy life two teens, both working all hours and elderly parents it's pretty low done on my list of things to sort out.

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle

If I could just comment on what you wrote.....

I think the definition of "sex" (especially in a committed relationship) is wider than just physical intercourse. Sexual desire (in the widest sense) does not necessarily diminish in a linear way along with physical age. Yes, women (and men) find sexual intercourse increasingly difficult as the sexual organs age, but that does not necessarily limit sexual enjoyment amongst older people.

HRT largely addresses (to varying effectiveness) the physical aspect of hormonal atrophy in women. However sexual desire is psychological and is a response to environmental factors (usually). Nurturing these external factors (in a relationship) goes a long way in maintaining sexual desire.

Thanks for this. This gusto I see on MN doesn’t reflect what I know of from friends and family. And I think one of the most depressing things is when I see women say they have to medicate themselves or that they only do it to keep the ‘husband happy’…

I do wonder what the real picture is, because biologically it’s not necessary for couples to keep getting jiggy into old age, so while I know it happens, it would seem more realistic and normal that our physiology slows down in that area to mirror what happens at other points in sexual development.

’Dating’ sites for married people are absolutely full of middle aged men whose wives have stopped having sex with them. This is the demographic that keeps those businesses alive.

After infertility in our 30s, hardly ever. We divorced when we were 43. I thought that part of my life was dead and buried.

Then I moved on and found someone new. He's not perfect, however I realised that part of my life emphatically wasn't over. We're both 50 now.

@Bartoz :

"It's as if they completely misunderstand the purpose of being in a meaningful loving intimate relationship. Why do they bother from the outset?"

From the outset? It's probably not from the outset is it? FFS

I'm referring to myself, as well as other men. I've had various tests done a few months ago (unrelated issues), and nothing came back that would suggest my lower sex drive is due to a medical issue. If every 30-something (or older) man went to the doctor because of a reduced sex drive, it would become the most common medical complaint.

From what I have seen, to me it looks as though (on average) women's sex drives increase as they get older, whereas men's sex drives are particularly strong when in teens or early 20s, but drop off by 30s and older.

I still think it's strange when I see, and hear about, older men who still want to have sex multiple times a week. Again, there's a certain childishness about it- a bit like older men who invest money into "sports cars." It's all very juvenile.