… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

[Thowawayname]

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

Everyone is different op. Have you tried using some toys like others have suggested. Find what works for you when you’re alone. I could happily go without when I was in a long marriage. Realised it was more to do with the lack of connection. Got my mojo back in a newer relationship. Same age as you.

I'm 40 and I could have written this. My sex drive has been pants for about 10 years now I'd say. I've no idea why. Eldest child is at uni and the 14 year old starts snoring the second his head hits the pillow so evenings are still our own. I fancy the pants off my husband, even after 17 years and when we do have sex it's great and he knows how to please me and I orgasm pretty much every time. But even so, it just seems like a chore and I don't know why. I've been on anti-depressants since 2020 and one of the side effects I first experienced was loss of ability to orgasm. So that was fun. After I'd acclimatised to the tablets I regained it again but it was concerning for a time. My husband isn't pushy, he's the kindest most gentle man on the planet and would never get in a strop or push me but I know deep down he would like it more often.

Sometimes I won't be 100% feeling it but I'm happy to do so because I like being intimate with him and I enjoy pleasing him. But I will be honest with him and tell him that. It's going to sound like I'm degrading myself now but I'm not sure how else to put it. Sometimes I'll say I'm not in the mood but go for it, but this is for you not me. He always says no I'm not going to do it if you don't want to. But the thing is I do because like I said, I need the intimacy too but it's more a don't bother trying to arouse me beyond what is needed because I just know my body won't respond. Sometimes I go hyper sensitive. Every touch is like a tickle no matter what he does and when that happens it's pointless trying to do anything beyond straight penetrative sex. We do talk about it often, we're both very open and honest with each other. I'm terrified once I start becoming peri that it'll dry up completely but I'm also hanging on to the hope that hrt might fire things up again. I've no doubt mine is hormonal, but I have no idea what to do. I'm not on any birth control and don't want to be as it doesn't agree with me (and my husband had a vasectomy about 10 years ago).
I don't know how to fix it really, so it's nice to read others feel the same even if its not ideal. I don't know how to get over the very act of becoming aroused feeling like a chore!

Really???

I have never found this, in men from mid 30s right up to 61 !

Are you still together?

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're asking married couples but I think the issue is you. But not in a negative way, more in "I've got a lot on my plate" way. You've said you enjoy doing things with him, you've said you don't want anyone else. Give it time. When life settles, you might well find you rediscover your libido.

I honestly don't think it matters if you and your husband are both happy.
Some people lose their sex drive and just stop sexual contact with their partner.
OP, you still enjoy pleasuring your OH, so you are getting pleasure still, even if it's changed for you.
It's not him, as you don't fancy other men, so either go to the Dr's and see what's available for you to awaken your sex drive, or if you are not that bothered, carry on doing what you are doing.
Giving pleasure can be as nice as receiving it.

I'm at mid '40s and I'm no longer married but still active. I wouldn't have thought that it was a foregone conclusion that it ever completely stopped. I'm sure it does for some couples because that's what works for them or their medical issues or whatever. But I don't think it's something that you just assume is going to stop at some point, at least I never did.

husband is 78 , I am 70 and still do. not as often but ......

27…
37 now and can’t imagine ever doing it again

Agree with this. I’m mid 50’s, and menopausal vaginal atrophy has completely killed my libido. It was never very high anyway, but now sex just isn’t something I think about. DH does though, and the intimacy it’s important to me so we DTD about twice a month. I enjoy it when we do, but it’s just not something that is on my mind iyswim?

I think people get very complacent and they think if they're happy without a physical relationship then their spouse will be. Many of course go along with it because what choice do they have but then enter a third party giving the rejected spouse some attention and that's when trouble occurs.

It really is an area of a relationship that needs effort and investment op, couples are closer if they have a physically connection.

I think it's life - things get hard, you're busy, you're stressed. You've said you're on anti-depressants. I think it's a season, that's all. Intimacy isn't just sex. It's so much more.

This

I find this thread so at odds with RL. I’m in my 50s and most of my married friends of the same age or older are low or no sex now. Still very companionable, tactile and devoted. None unhappy, in fact many of the women are relieved.

I think there must be two camps - those who happily and jointly accept declining libido as a part of older age, and those who are still at it like rabbits. The key is that both partners agree to whatever develops.

I don’t have sex as much as I used to. But that’s because I feel repulsed by my own body. I’m an 8-10 but have a bit of a belly. I used to have an eating disorder as a teenager which I overcame but I think those feelings about my self image have never really left. I can’t even look down at myself if I’m in the shower. I put in a bit of tub around my belly during lockdown and after having a hysterectomy. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. My husband says he’s still very much attracted to me but I just feel disgusting.

I'm early 40s and have no desire at all at present and it's worrying me has anyone taken anything/ done anything to help this? I'm newly married and find my partner attractive it's me

I agree. I can't remember when we last had sex. I've no interest at all nor, does he.

We're 45 and 49, we don't do it often, mainly due to having teenagers who are always up later than we are, so we have to be imaginative and go away fairly regularly!

@Janiie
I agree totally. I also think that for a lot of people "loss of libido" is a convenient excuse to remove themselves from the intimate relationship.

It's like "I now have the perfect excuse to sit back and do nothing and can't be blamed cos you know, I've lost my libido".

Than something happens (usually a 3rd party or the other person just gets fed up and disengages completely) and suddenly it's "I can't believe X did that to me after 20 years of marriage"!

With all due respect you need to do the following -

1. talk through the issue with your partner openly and honestly;
2. go see a medical specialist and seek help.

Please don't stick your head in the sand and hope for the best.

49 with two small children. No libido. Feel totally uncomfortable in my bloated perimenopausal body and not at all desirable or sexy. Sad to think that I used to read Anais Nin and My Secret Garden as a student…that all feels like whole other life, which it is.

I'm mid 40's dh mid 50's and we still have an active sex life. There have been peaks and troughs obviously over the years with having dc's and work stress but I don't think we've ever gone longer than a few weeks in 20 years.

We are still strongly attracted to one another though and I think when that goes it hard to force yourself to be into it. I know quite a few of my friends don't do it very often. It has lead to a couple of affairs and divorces on their dh's part though.

If I shut up shop at this point I don't think dh would cope well at all.

Also, tbh you don't necessarily need a libido all day every day. Not saying anyone should have sex against their will <obviously> but if you love your partner that is usually a good starting point.
I think some men are just crap in bed so their spouses get turned off by their hapless fumblings. Take control and show him what you like op.

Truest words ever spoken 🙌

I think it's natural in a long term relationship, over 25 years, the passion goes. Women are not made the same as men, our libido does reduce....sex is not as important (for some of us) The most important thing is to be faithful, loving & stay connected IMHO. When I was younger I could not imagine not wanting sex but I now feel quite happy not being a sexual object....