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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

365 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
Ilovelowry · 01/02/2025 17:43

I thought I'd totally lost interest. And then two years into HRT and a year after starting Testosterone AND after prolpase surgery, I found I could barely think about anything else. Bought new underwear, got the new Gillian Anderson book.

So I'm now 47 and want sex like I did when I was 25. I'm more surprised than you can imagine.

If you can't have oestrogen surely you can have testosterone or Addie (sp incorrect) and vaginal oestrogen?

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 17:46

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

I hope never. Been with my husband since late teens and now late 30s. He’s early 40s and still had amazing stamina. I hope we never lose out intamacy and will strive to make it a priority for as long as possible. I think it’s very important to make it a priority, as I believe the more you have it, the better it is and the more you want it. But I guess im still “young”!

DaftyLass · 01/02/2025 17:47

We are late 40s , married since we were 20, 2 now adult kids, one still at home.
We are still pretty active, a few times a week, but no longer daily

Hwi · 01/02/2025 17:47

People forget about biology and what the purpose of sex is (and sex drive and libido). And people should never forget about biology, because it does not, unfortunately, forget about us.

Bartoz · 01/02/2025 17:51

I always find it amazing when someone in a long term loving relationship just stops engaging in meaningful physical intimacy with their partner and just "shrugs their shoulders". It's like "my libido is gone so that's that", to hell with the consequences.

It's as if they completely misunderstand the purpose of being in a meaningful loving intimate relationship. Why do they bother from the outset?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 01/02/2025 17:52

Sounds like your DH just isn't very good at satisfying you. Get him to use a Magic Wand on you while you're having sex - it'll blow your mind.

MinnieMountain · 01/02/2025 17:54

I’m 46, peri-menopausal and not allowed HRT OP. It sucks. My libido has all but disappeared. DH and I are working on it by talking about it.

2025willbemytime · 01/02/2025 17:55

It doesn't matter what anyone else does. The answer could be anything from 25 to 85 and every age in between.

You need to talk to your husband. It's not fair for him to find out he's having sex with a wife who doesn't really want to have it. Ask him if he's happy with intimacy, see what he says and go from there. You married him, you should be able to talk to him.

moggiek · 01/02/2025 17:55

I’m 66, DH 70. Lucky enough to still enjoy an active sex life.

Hellohelga · 01/02/2025 17:56

I’m late 50s so post menopause and feel the same as you. We have discussed my low libido and worked on it. Measures that have really helped us are setting agreed days for sex, making it a nice relaxed evening with time spent together chatting to build intimacy, spending more time on what works for me, taking longer. You say you know what he likes but do you know what you like and need?

Bartoz · 01/02/2025 17:56

MinnieMountain · 01/02/2025 17:54

I’m 46, peri-menopausal and not allowed HRT OP. It sucks. My libido has all but disappeared. DH and I are working on it by talking about it.

Good for you both. Great to hear you are both fully engaged in the relationship and discussing it.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 01/02/2025 17:56

Btw, having regular sex helps keep things in good working order down there. Invest in a Rampant Rabbit if your partner isn't great at making you orgasm. I'm single but I have regular DIY sessions to help keep things healthy.

Garlicworth · 01/02/2025 17:56

Hwi · 01/02/2025 17:47

People forget about biology and what the purpose of sex is (and sex drive and libido). And people should never forget about biology, because it does not, unfortunately, forget about us.

It's not the only purpose, though, is it? There's a reason sex gives intense pleasure to both partners and releases bonding hormones.

Back on the OP's question: I'm not in a relationship now, which is probably a good thing as antidepressants killed my libido stone dead. It drops in to say hello about twice a year! The drugs saved my life, not without cost.

My perimenopausal libido was absolutely rampant. Seems to happen for a lot of women, then for others it's the opposite.

RaraRachael · 01/02/2025 17:57

Around 58. It just fizzled out and neither of us has initanything for the past 5 years.
Absolutely no interest in ever having it again.
Tbh it was always a bit of a chore.

Lidlisthebusiness · 01/02/2025 17:57

I'm 42, we've been together 17 years, have 5 children and I'm a week away from having number 6 so, not just yet. That isn't to say we haven't had dry spells what with all the children and the trials that go with that, plus he works away a lot.

If we split I'd not be bothered about looking elsewhere for sex, it's not at the top of my list of priorities, but together I can't see a permanent end to it any time too soon. My husband is the back end of his 40's and show zero signs of slowing down!

arcticpandas · 01/02/2025 17:58

On antidepressants since 20 years so no libido to speak of. Made an effort because I was in love so liked the closeness. But stopped when I didn't want to have sex anymore, like 12 years ago (2 Dc). I'm mid forties and I can't say that I regret not having sex. DH is understanding because he wouldn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to. So he masturbates (in privacy). It is what it is. I have told him he's free to leave me if sex is important to him but he says he loves me more than sex so...

Boomer55 · 01/02/2025 17:59

I’m mid sixties and have been on HRT since I was 30 (early hysterectomy). I stopped having sex a couple of years ago, when my DH died, but have now met someone and hope to start again. 👍👍👍🎉

Hankunamatata · 01/02/2025 18:01

Just after mid 40s. We are just getting our sex groove again now kids are older and thanks to hrt I have a good drive

handsdownthebest · 01/02/2025 18:03

60 & 62 married nearly 40 years married.
Still have regular sex, especially as DC have moved out now.
Late menopause for me (58) now on HRT.

FlouncyMcFlouncers · 01/02/2025 18:06

You’re very young to stop, and honestly I wouldn’t expect your husband to ever want to stop. Is there any other way of helping your libido?

I’ve pushed through too many a time with zero interest for the sake of my relationship so I do understand, but very few marriages survive no intimacy.

shuggles · 01/02/2025 18:11

SmileEachDay · 01/02/2025 17:43

It’s not “normal” and can be indicative of lots of health issues.

Show quote history

It is normal. See the media, talk to your male friends. Loads of men have greatly reduced sex drives in their 30s. It's an aspect of maturity. Having a high or supposedly uncontrollable sex drive is just childish, more than anything else.

NamechangeRugby · 01/02/2025 18:14

shuggles · 01/02/2025 17:38

@chargeitup If a man in his mid 30s experiences a great decline then they should go and seek medical advice.

Why? It's normal, it isn't causing any issues, and seeking medical advice about such a matter is just wasting doctors' time.

Mid 30's really, really isn't normal. As a previous poster mentioned, he should really see his GP to check heart, hormones, for potential tumours etc.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 01/02/2025 18:17

Why do we have to be married??

Just shy of 50 and would do it every day if possible.

I read the threads on here about relationships being sexless for months and years.

I wouldn't tolerate that for more than about 3 weeks (injury or illness excepted).

EarthSight · 01/02/2025 18:18

Your therapist might not be able to help you here unless it's to do with past trauma or marital issue.

I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but if you think about, by mid-40s, the female reproductive system is winding down, and libido can go down with that. It's not necessarily bad, unless it makes you feel bad. Hormones don't have to alter that much in order for you to feel that affect. For some women, it's testosterone that makes a difference. For others it's estrogen, or some other issue they have, like a low thyroid.

It sounds like you would like your libido back in order to enjoy sex with your husband which you feel duty bound to provide. That's understandable, but not sure what to recommend if trying extra hormones is not a possibility.

Fawn87 · 01/02/2025 18:19

I'm late 30s and having sex 3 to 5 times a week. I have always had a high libido though and it's only slightly decreased with age. I can't imagine being mid 40s and not enjoying sex. That's not an age related issue, it's a relationship issue.