… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

[Thowawayname]

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

It is really a good thing that you are asking. This can happen with menopause and peri menopause. It is your hormones and all that happens with that which also impacts how you feel about yourself and also your emotions.

lots knows when I was going through it I was angry, hurt, upset - just very emotional. I didn’t want to have sex as some times my husband seemed so insensitive, or I didn’t feel good about myself for a multitude of reasons

I did go see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I did have antidepressants too. The CBT was an immense help in my dealing with my emotions, how I reacted to communication styles with my husband that used to not be issues. My learning how to talk with him helped immensely. I also learned to use certain phrases that would help stop him from using his communication style that would upset me.

HRT was an option for me and it has changed my life. So has doing regular exercise, particularly exercise involving focusing on breath and stretching.

all our kids are out if the house now. We have separate bedrooms (snoring, temperature control, sleep patterns) but we have more sex now than we did when we shared a bedroom.

please go see your gp. We are fortunate to have private insurance so I have seen private gynocolgist for help balancing my hormones as well as the psychiatrist and therapist to help me move into this new way of being. I’m sure there is help out there for you too. Start with your gp

I posted earlier in the thread (61 and have a lover and have never felt such high desire and libido in my life!) and I've never taken any HRT or any other menopause treatments.
I had few problems with menopause and managed the hot flashes over a couple of years fairly easily mainly I think by swimming 1km 2 or 3 times pwk in an outdoor lido all year (water was heated to about 25) but it was still a chilly experience,
I've always had a regular exercise habit and used no hormonal contraception from age 31.
I now dip in the UK sea all year round but haven't had a hot flush for many years.

It's just luck for me I think, nothing else.

In my own case it was about desire.
I'd lost all sexual desire for my ex H (partner of 37 years) and he just couldn't be arsed to keep himself in shape, make any kind of effort beyond reaching over and trapping a nipple after ignoring me all evening slumped on the sofa watching telly, and I now know I was just turned off. But of course, that was all MY fault 😂.

Amongst my friends and acquaintances)55-65) I'd say that not many have my level Of libido (and several on HRT etc) but I put it down to lack of desire in long term relationships or, in the case of the single ones I know, just no interest in dating or being in another relationship after leaving fairly abusive situations in their 50's.

It's been really interesting to read this thread.
I def had a higher libido ( towards the ExH) in my 40's though.

What have I just read? 😂

I'm guessing most of those friends are still either their original husbands? 😂 I think that is a very natural reaction to men you have spent a long time with.

That is a big problem. I know as I was there and it didn't restart. However a lover showed me what I was missing and I now am still active with a new partner and I'm old 😂

I think your sex life naturally goes through stages. Nature is a bitch! It encourages you to seek partners and to then procreate. Your children then hugely dampen your ardour. You are busy, you are tired. Children age and you are the in between generation - children and ageing parents. Children leave and you are left looking at your partner. Does it reignite? For some yes, others no. You accept it as part of life cycles. For others who split up for various reasons sometimes find the joy of older sex- no hindrances, no birth control worries. It's a bonding experience. I know the secrets of being in a no sex marriage. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. No one is saying you have to have sex as you age but I certainly believe that HRT and your own mind attitude goes a long way to prolonging it. I feel lucky as I look at and desire my husband every day. It doesn't mean it's acted on every day btw!

What about illness? If she were unable to have sex, would that be a deal breaker too?

Or perish the thought, what if you became unable to perform, would you blame her?

These are obviously factitious scenarios, I doubt any woman with a brain would ever be saddled with a goon like you. 😜

it's interesting to see some people suggesting medical intervention and some suggesting therapist ( which i would never have considered tbh)

I'm early 60s, and all was good in that dept until about 2 years ago. DH is great shake, I'm very fit and healthy too. But PIV has become uncomfortable for me in the last 2 years or so. it can be ok, but just doesn't feel right or the same? I've mentioned this my two GPs, but just generic exam and said it's aging ( both are very nice, female, but also in late 20s only).

as another poster mentioned above, there are other things that can be done, and grabbing it can be easier and less messy, and DH is happy with that too 🙂

getting older introduces all kinds of changes, some very nice, but some not so nice. things change and we adapt??

typo .. DH is in great shape!!

ignore my crazy typos and autocorrect!!

Your first version made me giggle though (childish, I know)😁

I completely lost interest in myearly 50s, compounded by deteriorating relationship with H. I made a pragmatic decision to stay with H, based on our particular family circumstances. That being said, I suppose if I had any libido left, I might have contemplated an affair, but I have no interest in that either.
I resent the suggestions that pop-up every now and then in mainstream media that we should all be at it into our dotage. I’m happier as I am!

late 50s married for 25 years.
Definitely less often than before but still very much active.

I would be really sad if we stopped becuase there is an intimacy that happens there that I can't replicate in any other way.

Hope this doesn't sound patronising because its not intended to be, but have you tried different types (some work better depending on each person) of lube? It made things so much easier for me and I wish we'd used it sooner. Please ignore if not relevant x

Unfortunately, sex has become some kind of fashion statement or self glorification power trip. Sex is personal to anyone and nobody else's business. It's nobody else's business whether you are in a couple, single, young or old. In addition, nobody should want to trip over themselves to 'please' someone... this is making yourself a commodity. If someone loves you they wouldn't expect this. A healthy loving relationship shouldn't be about show, keeping up or drama. It's about enjoying one another's company and caring about each other's well being. Trying to keep up with invented expectations won't work, because you will be doing things out of false necessity /duty rather than out of love.
I was told years ago that intimacy should only be spoken about openly between you and your partner. Others getting involved too much will destroy what you have as everyone has an opinion. Love isn't opinion or trying to keep up with trends.
Also there are different levels of intimacy.
Keep the intimacy between you and your partner... love does not need to be shown off and, I reiterate, is nobody else's business.

You sound very bitter about your situation which I think is influencing your assumption that this is normal.

It’s really not normal for a man, mid-30s, to experience a “greatly” reduced sex drive. I can understand a steady natural decline, but not “greatly”.

And not every man in his 30s will be at the doctors to discuss a lack of sex drive because it doesn’t happen to most men.

I haven't seen anyone saying that people have sex to keep up with others ?

My doctor told me that tiredness is the most common complaint for all age groups 😂

@Chezgb

"I was told years ago that intimacy should only be spoken about openly between you and your partner. "

You are criticising others for perhaps taking on board others' opinions / views on sex but you have done exactly the same ( which you are free to do of course) but you can't pick and choose!

Didn't say that they had..... but there are a lot of postings saying how many times etc etc, as if this is done to prove normality. As said, intimacy is a private, personal thing not a box ticking exercise.

How can you say people are saying this for normality ? You have no idea 😂

Ha where do I get that (but seriously can you take that if you have womb?) I seem to think HRT nurse said no to me as I hadn’t had an hysterectomy.

The problem with lube is it makes the men last even longer - which is already problematic as they already last longer as they age, right as it gets harder for our bodies to handle that. Darned if you do, darned if you don't.

You can take HRT if you have a uterus but you absolutely must take progesterone with it for the second half of your cycle. That prevents thickening and uterine cancer.

Oh I didn't realise that, that's never happened with my dh. I guess it just shows everyone is different and my advice isn't helpful for everyone x