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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

365 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
bellocchild · 02/02/2025 18:41

Our sex life tapered off in our 70s. Not because we don't want to, just the after-effects of stroke. Viagra helped a bit.

Ingles2 · 02/02/2025 18:42

Why can't you have HRT? There are lots of different options including options if there is a family history of breast cancer. I think it sounds like you need Testosterone so I really think you should go and explain to your GP you have entirely lost your libido. But for context, I'm mid 50's, dh is late 60's and we have sex as often as we can.

Alifemoreordinary123 · 02/02/2025 18:43

Just a perspective. I’m all for it in the first throes of a relationship but almost completely lose my sex drive after that. It’s just not something I want or need - and not something I feel like I want to fight to get back. Tricky as DH is very keen.

Zeborah · 02/02/2025 18:44

I think peri menopause & full menopause sadly brings with it an “OFF” switch. I could never image not wanting sex when I was in my 20s, 30s & 40s but here we are…….

Alexaremovethenotifications · 02/02/2025 18:49

This makes me sad. I can’t imagine feeling like this within the next 5 years. If I thought my husband was comparing sex with me to a mundane task, I would honestly call time on the marriage because I am too young to have no sex life. I think the therapist is a great step, we saw one for issues and things have totally improved since that point.

You both deserve to feel happy, so if you don’t want sex then I think you should bring it up, but be prepared that he is unlikely to want that, so it may mean separation.

Janiie · 02/02/2025 18:52

Alifemoreordinary123 · 02/02/2025 18:43

Just a perspective. I’m all for it in the first throes of a relationship but almost completely lose my sex drive after that. It’s just not something I want or need - and not something I feel like I want to fight to get back. Tricky as DH is very keen.

That seems very unfair as he wants and needs intimacy which tbf are important parts of a healthy relationship. Aren't you worried that he'll have a fling?

Boomer55 · 02/02/2025 18:52

happydappy2 · 01/02/2025 21:28

This thread is fascinating. I think I read somewhere that a womans sexual desire tends to wane when her daughter is of an age to be sexually active. It's' almost as if nature has done its job in having the 1st woman procreate, produce a 2nd female who can then do the same....or maybe it's just the fact that after living with a man for 20 years women don't find them sexually attractive anymore?

No, it’s more to do with the relationship, excluding health issues. 🤷‍♀️

Sadcafe · 02/02/2025 18:53

Does depend on how you define stopped having sex, so zero sex at all, hasn’t happened, sex probably fewer than monthly, late 50s, unsure why, don’t actually think it was menopause related for DW, she just isn’t interested

Teddybear23 · 02/02/2025 18:59

FortWalton · 01/02/2025 17:06

Vaginal atrophy ended my sex life in my early 60s. Even with treatment it was just too painful. However, in all honesty I lost interest in peri a good ten years before.

DH is still up for it and I do feel I am letting him down, but it isn't going to happen.

This sounds exactly like me except it was around mid 50’s. It is too painful and I can’t understand how older women can not have pain? Personally I’m happier not having sex as have never enjoyed it and although I gave my partner an option to leave me, we’re still together.

restingbitchface30 · 02/02/2025 18:59

As soon as I had twins 2 and a half years ago at 36! I’m too tired, he’s too tired, we are both drained! I can honestly say I’ve only really wanted sex 3 times since they were born. We average around once every 3 months though. It’s dire.

LushLemonTart · 02/02/2025 19:19

My dh is 69 I'm mid 50s. We have regular sex. I find the blissel estrogen gel helps

WoolySnail · 02/02/2025 19:21

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

So what you're saying is that if you suffered with ED, couldn't take viagra, tried specialist counselling and still couldn't have sex with your wife, that you'd fall on your sword and divorce her, no matter how much you loved her, because she's not there for the great conversation after all.
I'm not saying sex isn't important in a relationship, but it's a pretty shit relationship if it's all you have.

Everythingisnumbersnow · 02/02/2025 19:21

I liked sex a lot back in the day. Other half was adventurous so I've done some threesomes etc. Find the "have you tried therapy" suggestions hilarious. Eventually biology comes for us all. I don't believe most women want it after 50. Our bodies stop being able to handle the friction.

DiduAye · 02/02/2025 19:23

When my husband died I was 57 husband was 77 We would never have stopped otherwise We both really enjoyed it at least 3 times a week

DiduAye · 02/02/2025 19:25

Teddybear23 · 02/02/2025 18:59

This sounds exactly like me except it was around mid 50’s. It is too painful and I can’t understand how older women can not have pain? Personally I’m happier not having sex as have never enjoyed it and although I gave my partner an option to leave me, we’re still together.

Show quote history

Lubricant and multiple orgasms No pain whatsoever

anon666 · 02/02/2025 19:34

I've made a lifelong commitment to my libido. If I'm honest, after about the first 5 years, I could take it or leave it.

But once initiated I can enjoy it.

I read a book called the "Affair-free marriage" which reinforced for me that I wanted to remain married. As men generally seem to have a higher need for sex, I decided that giving up wasn't an option. It would just leave my husband (or me potentially - at a stretch🤣) open to temptation or at least forming an emotional attachment.

So I looked up how to improve your libido. We tried various things, sex variations. My husband was a willing
learner at improving my experience of sex. I read erotic fiction, watched romantic TV shows - some of which worked in the sense of reminding me sex existed. The power of suggestion or something.

I've been able to keep up with my husband quite happily, and he is happy with our sex life.

I feel it's important to put his happiness into the equation so I totally get you OP.

Missj25 · 02/02/2025 19:44

I’m 49 & separated for nearly 10 years , biggest reason I went on dating scene again was because I missed sex so much ..Only went on dating scene 2 years ago ( kids were too young to go on any sooner ) ..
So far just been casual ..
Not doing that anymore, want it to be meaningful, still great sex drive though ..
So you & your husband love one another , you should want to enjoy that side of yr relationship, I’d def seek professional help if I were you & Enjoy being with your husband sexually..
You’re still young ..
You will get it back alright …x

Retired65 · 02/02/2025 19:44

Late 40's I think. My husband complained that my vagina was too loose. When my first child was born her shoulder caused me to tear and I haven't been the same since down there. I did have a prolapse repair but in the end had to have a hysterectomy. My husband is 4 and a bit years younger than me. We still share the same bed but he makes no attempt to hug me or show any affection. I wish he did.

Missj25 · 02/02/2025 19:48

Sorry OP you are going to see a therapist..

DilemmaDelilah · 02/02/2025 19:50

I can tell you the exact month and year DH last had sex. We were just about to move into our first (bought) house and were spending all our time and energy doing it up. DH was about to be diagnosed with diabetes and was having some problems with ED. I had some health problems of my own - basically we haven't had sex since we moved in to this house 12 1/2 years ago. We still have a very close and loving relationship though. I missed it to begin with but don't any more, and I'm pretty sure that DH isn't that bothered. As long as we still show each other we love each other we are happy. We're both getting on a bit - and were definitely at least 10 years older than you when we stopped.

Somethingsnapped · 02/02/2025 20:06

I'm 49, and my libido is totally tied up with my monthly cycles. We have sex about 4 or 5 times a month, but actually it is all in about a 10 day window, after period ends and before ovulation. After that my sex drive goes down quickly, and then there is a week when I'm premenstrual when I don't even like being touched very much. No sign yet of peri, but I'm not sure what will happen to my libido after my periods stop. I'm a bit worried to be honest, as it's an important part of our relationship.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 20:08

Ingles2 · 02/02/2025 18:42

Why can't you have HRT? There are lots of different options including options if there is a family history of breast cancer. I think it sounds like you need Testosterone so I really think you should go and explain to your GP you have entirely lost your libido. But for context, I'm mid 50's, dh is late 60's and we have sex as often as we can.

Seriously I hate people pushing HRT. Lots of women for health reasons are advised not to have HRT. You should not be advising women to ignore their Drs

OvertheHillandUndertheInfluence · 02/02/2025 20:10

I’m 66 and we still have regular sex. It’s a lot easier once the children have grown up and left home - and you no longer have to worry about birth control. Granted, we’re both pretty athletic, but it’s not essential. It’s not as spontaneous as it once was, due to the fact that DH pops a little blue pill first that can take half an hour to kick in, but another advantage of being quite old is that prescriptions are free!

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:11

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2025 21:26

No she does not need to see her GP, unless she feels she wants too.
It makes me feel really uncomfortable when people (mainly women) are told they need to medicalise themselves inorder to perform sex when they don’t want to!

Show quote history

I wouldn't say it's mainly women. Sales of Viagra are huge!

Buddhalover · 02/02/2025 20:18

It was late 60's for us, not my choice. We moved into separate rooms (supposedly temporarily) due to my health issues, but he never returned. During that time we just grew further apart obviously physically, but also emotionally, (which incidentally had never been great). I am resigned to it now. but do miss sex. I don't think it bothers him now. Back in the day, although we weren't emotionally great together, we did enjoy sex together. Bit of a contradiction really, considering it's supposed to be an emotional connection for the woman.