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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

365 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
lul37 · 02/02/2025 20:19

Am 43 and we stopped almost 5 years ago...
Hoping it will come back @BerryMummypudding and others said it might, but doesn't look like it from here. We have been thru many stressful life situations, have two teenage DC, and sleep in separate bedrooms.
For me, I know it's purely psychological and I feel neglected, even though I have told DH that foreplay isn't just for the bedroom, but he didn't get it. Or maybe doesn't want to?
I also suggested we go to couples counseling but he also doesn't seem interested. So I just DIY...

SailingYachty · 02/02/2025 20:19

I’m not bothered at all at 40, by the time the kids are in bed I’m knackered and just want to watch tv and go to sleep! Have also been through cancer this year, wasn’t that bothered about sex before that, but I’m even less interested now. I don’t feel very attractive since I lost my hair and am now overweight but mostly I am exhausted all the time from work and kids, don’t have the headspace for anything else.

DaringFinch · 02/02/2025 20:31

Vaginal atrophy has stopped ours since I was about 50. It's too painful. Have tried various treatments but none worked. Luckily my husband is understanding.

BusyCaz · 02/02/2025 20:54

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

Reading this I don't think you will be at a rush to stop them hammering at your door.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:56

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2025 06:30

For those posting that sex is about the chance of procreation, how do you explain gay sex and relationships?

There are plenty of theories online.
Here's the first link I found: The evolutionary puzzle of homosexuality - BBC News

Charles Darwin

The evolutionary puzzle of homosexuality

More and more people believe that gay sexuality is hereditary - but how does this idea fit with natural selection?

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-26089486

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:59

BIossomtoes · 02/02/2025 08:22

I agree too. Some of the posters on this thread are going to be horrified at some point in the future.

Show quote history

Is there anything we can do to prevent it, apart from HRT?

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 21:00

Bartoz · 02/02/2025 08:59

I also think there's a common misconception that men are generally more "sexual" or "horny" than women.

I think that's total rubbish. A woman is just as likely to want frequent good enjoyable sex than a man. Even a cursory look through the sex forum on this site (which is overwhelmingly female) shows that women are just as into sex and experimentation as men and are just as frustrated as all men supposedly are.

That forum is not a representative sample though. It's obviously self-selected.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 21:21

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:59

Is there anything we can do to prevent it, apart from HRT?

Show quote history

No. It is chance.

Emanresu52 · 02/02/2025 21:22

@arcticpandas Same here, antidepressants for anxiety and panic disorder for over 20 years and now menopausal, I'm stone dead from the waist down! Partner masturbates alone and I truly believe I will never have sex again (weight gain also has put paid to the idea of getting naked). We are now 'friends' and I do worry he will leave me given the opportunity. I have never communicated this to him. I just can't broach the subject.

WalkingWavy · 02/02/2025 22:00

I might be the youngest person to respond in the negative (haven’t read the entire thread) I’m 35, DP of 13 years is 46. He would probably be happy 2-3 times per week, whereas I have absolutely no desire whatsoever. If we never had sex again I’d be quite happy with that. But like previous posters I do have sex with him roughly once a week because I know he wants it. We have a great relationship otherwise and are generally happy people. I would never admit this to anyone IRL but I feel like MN is a safe space

jjx111 · 02/02/2025 22:04

Around 50 for me. Dad with dementia, and autistic daughter. Add lockdown to the mix and I was so stressed/anxious that sex was the last thing I wanted do. We've left it do long now I doubt we will ever do it again, although lots of hugs/cuddles.

chargeitup · 02/02/2025 22:23

jjx111 · 02/02/2025 22:04

Around 50 for me. Dad with dementia, and autistic daughter. Add lockdown to the mix and I was so stressed/anxious that sex was the last thing I wanted do. We've left it do long now I doubt we will ever do it again, although lots of hugs/cuddles.

Is your dp ok with it?

Butterfly292828 · 02/02/2025 22:35

Use it or loose it I was told by my HRT nurse. My sex drive took a nose dive, HRT made not a blind bit of difference.

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 22:35

I have no idea if I've stopped really. My DH has ADHD and is a terrible communicator. I'm so tired of it all being on me to raise conversations and solve issues. Either he picks up the ball and communicates about sex, or it doesn't happen. I'm done being in charge of everything and can't be bothered. The sex is very average at best anyway.

Butterfly292828 · 02/02/2025 22:42

Iceboy80- you sound as shallow as a pie dish!

kennycat · 02/02/2025 22:54

I’ve never been that bothered about sex tbh. Been married 16 years and still do it occasionally but in a very formulaic fashion as has always been. It can be once a Week or once a month. It’s never spontaneous or exciting. Feel like a chore although I do like the closeness when we actually do it. But I could go for ever without if I didn’t feel that was weird.

okaynotokay · 02/02/2025 22:57

WalkingWavy · 02/02/2025 22:00

I might be the youngest person to respond in the negative (haven’t read the entire thread) I’m 35, DP of 13 years is 46. He would probably be happy 2-3 times per week, whereas I have absolutely no desire whatsoever. If we never had sex again I’d be quite happy with that. But like previous posters I do have sex with him roughly once a week because I know he wants it. We have a great relationship otherwise and are generally happy people. I would never admit this to anyone IRL but I feel like MN is a safe space

I was looking for a similar comment. I'm 35 too! DH is approaching 40. He wants it but we've not had it for a year now. Even after my DC was born 4 years ago we didn't do it for a year and a half because I had excruciating pain down there (different story) which took more than a year to resolve and then my mental block. So in the last 4 years we've not done it more than 5 times put together.

DearDenimEagle · 02/02/2025 23:04

I left him in my late 60s. He was in his 70s but still active a couple of times a day..sometimes 3 but that seemed excessive. He did have gfs so I think he was trying to pretend I mattered and pretend he didn’t have energy for them. The last year, he initiated because I was planning my departure .

helpplease01 · 02/02/2025 23:06

I feel this issue is so much more common than is reported.
I’m 55. I used to love sex, it used to be b important to me. Then had a horrible peri menopause, didn’t know what was happening to me. A few Dr’s visits , who suggested antidepressants? The penny dropped and I took self off to get HRT.
Since then, even with testosterone gell, my libido disappeared! Liked I had just dropped a pebble and couldn’t find it.
I could happily never have sex again.
Married 25 years. I did explain it to husband. We do have sex occasionally, but I’m not confident in my body like I used to be. I would rather just not, but I do because it’s not fair on him either.
This is a big problem for women and there is not enough research/ openness/ discussion about it.

BIossomtoes · 02/02/2025 23:09

Butterfly292828 · 02/02/2025 22:42

Iceboy80- you sound as shallow as a pie dish!

Generous. I’d have said a puddle.

MB34 · 03/02/2025 01:09

I lost my libido late 30s/early 40s. I was at a point that even looking at the word sex made me want to vomit, nevermind looking at or touching a naked man! There's no way I could have done it with my DH "because I know how much it means to him" - I couldn't have feigned even an ounce of enthusiasm and my DH wouldn't have wanted to do it with someone who felt like that. I would have felt violated.

I'd been to my drs about peri symptoms (never mentioned libido as I never wanted sex again) but was deemed too young to be perimenopausal. At 45 I was deemed old enough and was given HRT. I felt horrific on estrogen and progesterone.
It was only when I accidentally got given testosterone a year later, that I realised what I'd been missing. I was like a teenage boy - I needed sex twice a day! So much happier, hornier and more energy. My libido has (thankfully) tapered off a bit since I've changed form but I still want sex. Even just reading this thread makes me want it so I'm totally a different person now!

JudithOx · 03/02/2025 03:20

All these women saying they are still very interested in sex, definitely goes against what I hear in real life... Most of my friends are fifty and over, and 98%would not be bothered any more if their husbands weren't. Like me, we do it because men still want it. Sad, but true...

Trixiefirecracker · 03/02/2025 08:29

JudithOx · 03/02/2025 03:20

All these women saying they are still very interested in sex, definitely goes against what I hear in real life... Most of my friends are fifty and over, and 98%would not be bothered any more if their husbands weren't. Like me, we do it because men still want it. Sad, but true...

Just true in your circle of friends but not true in others. My friends are all very much still interested.

TessTimoney · 03/02/2025 10:00

I was married for 25 years and sex was a weekly chore performed to keep DH happy, I very rarely reached orgasms . The marriage ended when I was 48. Then I met a man who was a very generous lover and my libido got a new lease of life. That relationship ended after 12 years because of erectile dysfunction and his selfish refusal to seek help . I remained happily single for 8 years, enjoying regular orgasms with the assistance of a vibrator At age 69 I met a lovely man aged 62 and it's been third time lucky. He ticks all my boxes and is a wonderful lover. At age 70 I am enjoying regular sex and am happier than I have ever been.

Jumpingthruhoops · 03/02/2025 10:22

46 now, definitely peri, and sex life better than ever with DH of 30 years. Helps that I still REALLY fancy him.

Interestingly, was on the pill for 27 of those years and barely wanted it. Soon as I stopped taking it, my libido went through the roof!