Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

Just because your husband is quadroplegic doesn't mean he doesn't get a say what goes on in his home or whether you get more pets or not! He said he didn't want to, and you went and did it anyway. That's horrible of you, really. YABU.

Unless your mum lives with you her opinion is irrelevant, but imo pets are like kids, you need to agree or you don't have them.
What is the reason for them reacting so strongly? It sounds an extreme reaction, way beyond, meh, I don't think we should get another cat' so there must be some reason?

Why did your husband go apeshit? It's his home too and he has a say but apeshit?

What's it got to do with your mum? Why is she involved and does she normally treat you like that?

Perhaps they feel that you’ve got enough on your plate as it is? That doesn’t mean they can speak to you that way though. Also that’s another two cats.
I would try to find out why they are so against it, not that it’s any of your mum’s business.
But if you really want them go for it.

It must be a joint decision to bring animals into a home, one person says no, it's no.

Your mother's opinion is completely and utterly irrelevant unless she lives there and then it depends on whose house it is whether she gets a say.

But why doesn't he want another cat?

Regardless, your mother had no right whatsoever to speak to you like that. And what do you mean when you say he went apeshit at you?

Are they normally verbally abusive to you?

Why did your husband go 'apeshit' because you suggested getting another cat?

Why did you go ahead with the idea, knowing that your husband doesn't want one and you have enough on your plate?

What on earth is wrong with your mum and why are you taking her calls?

And whilst i am sympathetic to your situation, it must be incredibly hard being a carer,
Im pretty sure it is worse for your DH, he may be disabled but it is still his home and family, he should have the right to an opinion. By all means try and persuade him, but just to do it anyway and say tough is pretty shitty imo.

I’m for adopting rescue animals, but they need to be wanted by all family members.

I think your husband and mum are being unreasonable though - cats are much easier than dogs (IMO).

It's really not. The backstory is exactly what I wrote in my post. I will be doing everything, I haven't even told the kids yet, he is not a pleasant person to be around, gets put into his room at 9pm every night and I am left on my own until the next day starts all over again. Have you ever been a carer and know how lonely it is?

Like I said, I am not asking him to do anything. He likes cats! But I don't deserve to be spoken to like shit because I have made a decision for myself for once.

OP, you are going through so much and it must be very difficult. It is especially hard to be a carer for someone most of the time and I can imagine the cats would bring you and the kids joy at a time you need it.

Could you have a conversation with your husband about respecting your need too? I think one more cat would have been a better compromise rather than two though. Is he scared that you won't be able to care for him as much? If so, he needs to communicate. He definitely shouldn't have brought your mum into it or go 'apeshit'.

Secondly, the way your mum spoke to you is frankly unacceptable. I would tell her that you won't accept her behaviour again and keep your distance from her a bit until she treats you with respect.

You do not have to tolerate abuse even if he is quadriplegic. How horrible for your children too if this is an abusive household - is it?

If so you can start asking disability support services and social services to organise care for him and get ready to leave.

Just because her dh is quadriplegic doesn’t mean op can’t have a life.
I can’t imagine having a severely disabled dh and 2 dc.
Op gets very little already.
Her dh shouldn’t be involving her dm.

@FloydWasACat what was your relationship like before your dh became disabled?
You don’t have to stay with your dh just because he’s disabled.

Why aren't you allowed cats though I don't get it ?

But it's his house too. He has a say. And like an earlier poster said, whether it's pets or babies everyone needs to agree. You're not being fair on him.

Unless your mother is going to be expected to look after said cats, it is nothing to do with her and I’d be telling her that in no uncertain terms. And unless your DH could give you a very good, valid reason as to why he doesn’t want the cats, I’d be getting them. It sounds like you’ve all had an awful few years and if these cats will bring you joy? Why not.

Thank you all for replying from both sides. I probably am being unreasonable bit I just feel that I have to do something for myself for once and cat just follows me around everywhere since Eva went and I genuinely know she will be fine.

My Mum has always been like this to me when she disagrees with any decision I make that doesn't involve her.

DH has told me we can't afford any more pets, I work and it would all be coming out of my wages. They wouldn't be in the way of him in any way at all. He is just very angry now, which obviously I get, but it's not exactly the greatest life for me either.

I look after everyone and do everything, so why am I so out of order when it would also make my 9 and 15 Yr old happy too? They are going through this as well.

He does have a say, but his isn’t the final say. Why does his “no” trump ops “yes” if she is going to be the one looking after them and paying for them?

Why is your mum involved?
Can your DH calmly tell you his objections?
Is it the money? Sounds like you don't have much coming in.

Can you divorce?

it was only a matter of time until the LTB brigade arrived.

I appreciate that being a carer is difficult, but the contempt with which you speak about your DH is horrible.

“I have no joy in my life;he gets put into his room at 9:00” you clearly hate him and resent his disability. I don’t imagine that it’s a picnic for him either.

Have you all had any counselling since he became disabled? Because you would likely benefit from it from all sides.

In terms of a cat, while it’s understandable that you might want another cat, regardless of his status now, this is still your DH’s home as well and he still has as much of say as you do. You need to stop infantilising him, because he is still an equal part of your home, disability or not.

TBH bringing in a bonded pair is never going to be a good idea and it’s highly likely your quiet and gentle cat is going to end up being pushed out.

Introducing new cats into an already established cat’s home rarely goes well.

DH is an equal adult in his home. He's not a child. He should have a say in wether or not there's another cat. Maybe he doesn't like the cats?