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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

388 replies

FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 06:30

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

OP posts:
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5
Mirabai · 01/02/2025 08:28

Bonjovispyjamas · 01/02/2025 08:04

You don't know that your cat will be fine with the new arrivals. It's more likely to be extremely stressful for it, having new cats taking over its space. I used to work in an animal shelter and people would constantly bring cats back post adoption because the old cat hated the new one. They would do things like toileting outside the litter tray, a classic sign of stress in cats, some would run away, never to be seen again. Just because your cat was fine with the one you lost, doesn't mean it will be fine with other cats. I think it's cruel to do this.

Edited

This. Please listen to experienced cat owners OP - it has a high % chance of going very wrong - which will upset your cat, cause hassle for you and you will end up rehoming them.

It’s incredibly naive to think because your cat got on with the previous one it will get on with the new ones. They are not pack animals like dogs.

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:29

Elsvieta · 01/02/2025 08:07

My point was more that he's got some nerve telling her how to spend money when he's not contributing anything. Obviously he can't work but he could do the one thing he IS able to and claim the money he's owed.

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Sure - he has NO SAY because he’s not working. He can just pick up the phone and call a solicitor … oh wait 😳

Elsvieta · 01/02/2025 08:34

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:29

Sure - he has NO SAY because he’s not working. He can just pick up the phone and call a solicitor … oh wait 😳

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I'm sure OP would be more than happy to help him make the phone call and deal with all the other legal stuff.

midnightblackcat · 01/02/2025 08:35

beAsensible1 · 01/02/2025 07:07

Ah.

That sucks OP would he have to make them move out to force a sale for him to realise his inheritance on the property?

I can imagine in these circumstances it is building a lot of resentment as it would help take the pressure off financially.
is this something you could approach with him again?

I do think 2 extra cats right now isn’t the best idea as he should agree, I’m sure he feels his loss of independence and agency quite deeply. As the ignoring his views on this and then having the 2 cats as a constant reminder will not be an easy thing.

I definitely agree that you need time and things for yourself. However 2 cats are no the only way to achieve this. Join a small walking group, a knitting group. Volunteer at a cat shelter once a month. Something that gets you out of the house for 30mins an hour would be good.

I think you have fixated on the cats as the solution to your me time and convinced yourself it’s the only way to be realised. It’s not.

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This - OP you sound like you’ve become fixated on this as the solution to your happiness.

Frenchbluesea · 01/02/2025 08:37

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:17

I like elephants - I wouldn’t have one in my home.

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Cats and elephants are hardly similar are they?

Smallsalt · 01/02/2025 08:39

@meh2025 But why does the opinion of the No sayer trump the opinion of the yes to cats sayer?

Yes the person not wanting to live with more cats has the right not to in their own home.

But the person who does want to live with more cars has the right to do it. It's their hone too.

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 08:41

’Do something for yourself’, absolutely. ‘Unilaterally buy more pets for the household when someone else living there has explicitly said he doesn’t want them’, no.

hattie43 · 01/02/2025 08:45

Tbh this is nothing to do with your mum so she can jog on.
I think you should do everything you can to bring joy to your life and if it's cats it's cats .

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 01/02/2025 08:46

To the people who say he contributes nothing financially, you do know that there are quadriplegics who work don’t you?
Added to which full rate PIP is approx £737 a month, if he’s not working he will be receiving ESA, attendance allowance, and OP will likely receive carers allowance. And that’s before any other benefits which mean OP is able to work part time.

Claiming those benefits is of course not in question, but it’s not as straightforward as to say he contributes nothing financially.

Shardlake63 · 01/02/2025 08:46

I'm sorry OP, but I think you have overstepped the mark here by going behind your husband's back when he clearly had objections to you having more pets. It should be a joint decision, regardless of his disability he has an equal say in his own home.
Both he and your mother clearly feel that you already have enough on your plate as it is without taking on more responsibility. Cost is obviously an issue as well - feeding, vaccinations, vets bills, insurance etc. Can you afford it, as it sounds as though money is tight as it is?
That said, this is between you and your DH. It has absolutely nothing to do with your mother, unless she lives with you. If not, she is out of order and needs to butt out!

HardenYourHeart · 01/02/2025 08:48

I think the issue of getting more cats is only highlighting deep seated issues within your family.

You have a lot on your plate, OP, but why are you doing everything? Your children are 9 and 15. They are old enough to be responsible for some of the chores in the house.

While I agree that your husband gets a say in whether there will be new pets, he does not get to be abusive and tattle to your mom. Your mom is also completely out of order. Just because you are your husband's carer does not mean you also have to be an emotional punching bag for him. I would remind him that he can either speak respectfully to you or he can shut up.

As for your mom, I'd be going low contact with her at the very least. You have a right to set boundaries, you also have a right to get some enjoyment out of life. However, I think that some hobbies outside of the home would be a better first step.

When it comes to getting another cat, I would put that on the back burner till you have resolved some of the other issues. You should also remember that kittens are full of energy while your 9 year old cat is just coming to a stage of life where she is slowing down. Furthermore, having to share the house with new, unknown cats, will be extremely stressful for an established cat. Cats are very territorial and you will fundamentally change the atmosphere of what is currently her safe and familiar space. I don't think it will be as straight forward as you imagine, especially with such different energy levels between kittens and elderly cats.

Waterweight · 01/02/2025 08:49

I think you are being unreasonable on your husband who presumably spends the bulk of time at home due to his circumstances & new cats can be difficult, anxious, untrained (toileting wise)

Your mother less so. Tell her to mind her own business

Likewhatever · 01/02/2025 08:54

Your DH must feel like he has no control over any part of his life. (I know you must feel the same too). He has said what he feels about the cats and you’ve over-ridden him.

You need to have a proper talk with him and get to the bottom of how he’s feeling. He might have good reasons for not wanting them and at the moment you’re not listening.

It sounds like you have a hard life, OP, not sure more cats will make it any easier.

Engleberthumper · 01/02/2025 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 01/02/2025 09:03

BTshun · 01/02/2025 08:21

OP, cats aside, you say he is unpleasant to be around. Would you stay with him if he was this unpleasant pre accident? Don’t put up with someone being unpleasant to you just because they’re disabled.

Exactly this.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 01/02/2025 09:05

One of my cats had FIP last year and the treatment cost me £4000. It’s just not true that cats aren’t expensive, any pet can be.

I made it very clear that if she died we wouldn’t be getting any more. It was non negotiable.

BarbaraHoward · 01/02/2025 09:05

Ah OP it all sounds so hard on the two of you. Forget about your mum, she has no say, but deep breath and try to sort this calmly today.

Agree with others - pets and children need everyone to agree. If DH brought home a pet without discussing it with me I would be furious and it would quite possibly be a deal breaker.

You're doing everything and your DH would be unreasonable to criticise the way you do the laundry, for example. But he absolutely should have an equal say on things like pets, finances and indeed anything relating to the DC.

Being in bed every night from 9 (without any company?) must be miserable for him, he must feel he's lost control of his life.

Neither of you have covered yourselves in glory. Understandable when you're under so much stress.

2boyzNosleep · 01/02/2025 09:05

On one side if you're paying for it and doing all care, then I don't see an issue.

On the other hand, why are both so against getting more cats? Are you able to actually clean up them properly etc. A family member of mine was once in fierce denial about how disgusting her house had become as she couldn't look after the cat properly when it became poorly. Litter tray overflowing, cat started pooing everywhere, overridden with fleas, put off taking the poor cat to the vet.

I suppose can you actually afford it? If they are well cared for with insurance, annual checkups and vaccinations, and food, it does all add up

LinkinSin · 01/02/2025 09:07

@FloydWasACat it sounds like your DH is angry at the world and the loss of control he’s experienced over his life and is taking that out on (in his eyes) ‘yet another thing’ that has been taken out of his hands.

that’s probably the reason, but it doesn’t make it reasonable. I imagine you feel like many things have been taken out of your hands too, but the carer is always thought of second.

i would absolutely get the cats. Mine bring me so much joy, they’re my replacement for my childhood teddy bear when I just need a little cry and a cuddle, and their upkeep is very minimal. Get them and take comfort in them - maybe try and explain that need to DH, if you think it will help, and I’d tell your mother to bugger off quite frankly, unless she would like to assume the carer role for a few weeks.

Lavenderflower · 01/02/2025 09:07

I think the pet issue and the issues are with your mum and husband are separate. I don't think it is reasonable to buy a cat without agreement with your husband agreement - I think it is a selfish. I also think wrong to buy pet to meet a void in your life. Animals shouldn't be used to meet human needs. That being said, your husband behaviour is inappropriate.

Mrsgreen100 · 01/02/2025 09:08

I feel so very uncomfortable with your
Comments “ DH gets put in his room”
I appreciate that your role is relentless, but no wonder he is unhappy,
Is it not possible to have a tv in his room and maybe watch a film together or something , in the evenings
it sounds as if he’s just a massive inconvenience to you ,
cats are a whole other thing
why Two

AnonymousBleep · 01/02/2025 09:10

I disagree with the bulk of posters and think you should get the damn cat. Yes he has a say in his home but he doesn't get to rule the roost and make all the decisions, either. His objection to the cat is solely on financial terms, and the OP - the money earner - says that isn't a problem. Therefore there isn't an issue. If she wants a cat to cheer her up, because looking after a quadriplegic must be pretty bleak, then she should get a damn cat. She needs some joy in her life ffs.

OP You are a saint. But tell your Mum to get her beak out of your life, she's massively overstepping boundaries.

lazyarse123 · 01/02/2025 09:14

Get the cats. It sounds like you have no joy in your life only caring and work.
It's horrible for your dh being suddenly disabled and he's rightly angry but shouldn't be taking it out on you. As for your mum none of her business.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 01/02/2025 09:14

You cannot "know' your current cat will be fine with two new cats. It's much more likely that it will be stressed and upset at having two intruders in its territory.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but it sounds as if your husband is being much more sensible than you here.

AnonymousBleep · 01/02/2025 09:15

BarbaraHoward · 01/02/2025 09:05

Ah OP it all sounds so hard on the two of you. Forget about your mum, she has no say, but deep breath and try to sort this calmly today.

Agree with others - pets and children need everyone to agree. If DH brought home a pet without discussing it with me I would be furious and it would quite possibly be a deal breaker.

You're doing everything and your DH would be unreasonable to criticise the way you do the laundry, for example. But he absolutely should have an equal say on things like pets, finances and indeed anything relating to the DC.

Being in bed every night from 9 (without any company?) must be miserable for him, he must feel he's lost control of his life.

Neither of you have covered yourselves in glory. Understandable when you're under so much stress.

It would be deal breaker for me if my partner flatly and unreasonably refused to let me get a cat or a dog. For some people - a lot of people - that animal companionship is as important as human companionship.

I don't know how you can say that a woman who is working, the only fully able-bodied parent to two kids, and also caring for her (angry) quadriplegic husband 'doesn't come out well' out of this situation. What does she have to do to 'come out well' - chop off her own limbs and donate them to her husband?