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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

388 replies

FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 06:30

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

OP posts:
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5
meh2025 · 01/02/2025 06:49

FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 06:47

Thank you all for replying from both sides. I probably am being unreasonable bit I just feel that I have to do something for myself for once and cat just follows me around everywhere since Eva went and I genuinely know she will be fine.

My Mum has always been like this to me when she disagrees with any decision I make that doesn't involve her.

DH has told me we can't afford any more pets, I work and it would all be coming out of my wages. They wouldn't be in the way of him in any way at all. He is just very angry now, which obviously I get, but it's not exactly the greatest life for me either.

I look after everyone and do everything, so why am I so out of order when it would also make my 9 and 15 Yr old happy too? They are going through this as well.

Please do not allow your mother to speak to you like that. Every single time she tries, hang up. If she tries messaging abuse, block her. If she turns up at the house and is abusive, ask her to leave. Stay calm, but you do not have to tolerate this at all.

I am sorry, you are shouldering an awful lot.

Squidtentacles · 01/02/2025 06:49

Spurber · 01/02/2025 06:49

DH is an equal adult in his home. He's not a child. He should have a say in wether or not there's another cat. Maybe he doesn't like the cats?

Show quote history

OP already stated he likes cats.

XWKD · 01/02/2025 06:50

Given his disability, he might feel that he no longer has a say in anything, as there's nothing he can do. That must be dreadfully difficult.

Spurber · 01/02/2025 06:50

Buildingthefuture · 01/02/2025 06:47

He does have a say, but his isn’t the final say. Why does his “no” trump ops “yes” if she is going to be the one looking after them and paying for them?

Show quote history

It needs to be a discussion. A civil discussion about why he doesn't want a cat and why she wants one.

Twittable · 01/02/2025 06:51

I understand. You need something for you, that gives you something else to think about, care about and to have fairly straightforward interactions with without emotional demands. On top of that, it feels empty without your other cat.
If the whole of your lives revolve around your husband’s condition, I really don’t think it’s wrong to want something for you. He needs to articulate what his objection actually is, it might be reasonable and you could talk about it, or it’s just about having his own way and you need to remind him that you have wants and needs too. Ignore your mother, you’re an adult, she cannot forbid you!

I hope things turn out for the best x

Spurber · 01/02/2025 06:51

Squidtentacles · 01/02/2025 06:49

OP already stated he likes cats.

Show quote history

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. he doesn't like cats

beAsensible1 · 01/02/2025 06:52

Did your husband tell your mum because he knew you would ignore his input?

swearing and shouting is not in and quite bizarre. But just ignoring your husband because you’ll be watching them is out of order.

Spurber · 01/02/2025 06:53

I really think you need to find out why your DH objects so strongly and he needs to do this calmly. It would also help if your mum could either butt out or again explain calmly why she thinks it's a bad idea. Is your house messy perhaps?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 01/02/2025 06:53

Jesus....I cant even imagine how difficult your day to day life must be. You must have almost nothing for yourself with 2 kids and a profoundly disabled husband as well as being so lonely in your marriage 💐💐💐

That said...
What Specifically are your DH's objections? Is it the time spend on cats takes time from his care?
He is jealous of the cats?
Or something else? Ie the cats less is everywhere and not cleaned up so state of the house is not safe for children or you cannot properly care for the cats?
Why specifically does your mother also think its a bad idea? Why it is "stupid"?

He is not a pleasant person - what do you mean? / can you expand?

Agree with others there is pertinent background / context missing

Stormwhatnow · 01/02/2025 06:54

It would be a rare 9 year old cat that would enjoy having 2 young cats thrown into their home, competing for resources. I'd love to know how you 'know' your cat would be fine with it? Living with an older already resident cat is very different to 2 new young cats.
And do not underestimate health care costs for 3 pets. Can you not just enjoy the pet you do have?

Spurber · 01/02/2025 06:54

FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 06:47

Thank you all for replying from both sides. I probably am being unreasonable bit I just feel that I have to do something for myself for once and cat just follows me around everywhere since Eva went and I genuinely know she will be fine.

My Mum has always been like this to me when she disagrees with any decision I make that doesn't involve her.

DH has told me we can't afford any more pets, I work and it would all be coming out of my wages. They wouldn't be in the way of him in any way at all. He is just very angry now, which obviously I get, but it's not exactly the greatest life for me either.

I look after everyone and do everything, so why am I so out of order when it would also make my 9 and 15 Yr old happy too? They are going through this as well.

Can you afford it?

GreyAreas · 01/02/2025 06:55

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable and I think it is a need not a want for you to have something for you and some control over your life.

beAsensible1 · 01/02/2025 06:57

Adding 2 more cats to a shared home should be mutually agreed on. Are there other things that make you happy, that you can do of an evening. Or any carers groups you could be part of?

flyinghen · 01/02/2025 06:58

It's not just up to you what pets are in the house!! YABVVU you should not get more cats!!

Squidtentacles · 01/02/2025 06:58

Spurber · 01/02/2025 06:51

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. he doesn't like cats

Show quote history

"Like I said, I am not asking him to do anything. He likes cats!"

🤷‍♀️which is it OP?

Edit - oh OP didn't say he dislikes cats? I thought you were quoting her. My husband would go apeshit too. He is a cat lover. Rightly so as he is the one who feeds our cats, so he is responsible for their care as well as me.

Buildingthefuture · 01/02/2025 06:59

flyinghen · 01/02/2025 06:58

It's not just up to you what pets are in the house!! YABVVU you should not get more cats!!

It’s not just up to op but it is just up to her DH? He gets the final say? Why?

Pipsquiggle · 01/02/2025 06:59

That is a very visceral reaction from your DH. I certainly wouldn't get another cat without some further chats with him to see if there is something other than cost that he objects to.

Just ignore your mum's feelings, however, I would bring up how she talks to you. The words she used were unacceptable

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 07:00

We have had 3 cats since we moved in together, he loves our remaining one. He always tries to get her to sit on his lap in his wheelchair.

I have no contempt for my husband, I love him and respect him but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work both ways.

I have had counselling and go to carers meet-ups and they always say 'do something for yourself, if it's not hurting anyone, you need to be happy too'.

As for my Mum, I have no idea why she gets like this sometimes.

DH says we can't afford anymore pets but when his parents both died around 6 years ago he was supposed to get 1/4 of the house. He never did anything about it so his two older brothers are living still mortgate-free and won't leave.

I suppose there is more a backstory after writing this, sorry.

OP posts:
Stormwhatnow · 01/02/2025 07:03

It’s not just up to op but it is just up to her DH? He gets the final say? Why?

This is not a new car we're talking about. These are living beings that require ongoing commitment, costs and care. Sort of like when one half off a couple doesn't want children. They do get the final say.
And I thought when you were married all earnings are family money and so decisions need to be mutual?

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 07:04

Squidtentacles that wasn't my reply, that was another poster

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 01/02/2025 07:04

First of all your mother sounds absolutely vile. What makes her the boss of you? Don't tolerate her speaking to you like that, just hang up next time or better still cut her out altogether.
As for your DH, it sucks that he is disabled and you are the carer but he should still recognize that your needs are valid as well. Why is he so against it? I think him going 'apeshit' is totally out of order. If he can't respect your needs too then sorry I think you should consider leaving.

Hodcafesuk · 01/02/2025 07:05

If I'm paying for them, caring for them, exercising them and insuring them, nobody is telling me what animals I can and can't have. And nobody would continue to be in my life if they spoke to me the way OP is being spoken to. It appears she has zero respect from her husband and her mother.

What difference does it make to OPs husband's day if she has another cat?

flyinghen · 01/02/2025 07:06

I will add that we have a cat, my husband does everything, but it's a cat. They get everywhere, sit on all chairs, fur everywhere, scratch every damn thing you own. They are still very much noticeable to everyone else in your house! Your husband presumably spends a lot of time at home. He'll be surrounded by 3 cats and their smells and hair and honestly it's a big deal. If he says no you should respect his wishes.

I've developed an allergy to my cat, I can't fuss her or be near her and so my husband is her only carer. She's still very much there.

beAsensible1 · 01/02/2025 07:07

FloydWasACat · 01/02/2025 07:00

We have had 3 cats since we moved in together, he loves our remaining one. He always tries to get her to sit on his lap in his wheelchair.

I have no contempt for my husband, I love him and respect him but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work both ways.

I have had counselling and go to carers meet-ups and they always say 'do something for yourself, if it's not hurting anyone, you need to be happy too'.

As for my Mum, I have no idea why she gets like this sometimes.

DH says we can't afford anymore pets but when his parents both died around 6 years ago he was supposed to get 1/4 of the house. He never did anything about it so his two older brothers are living still mortgate-free and won't leave.

I suppose there is more a backstory after writing this, sorry.

Ah.

That sucks OP would he have to make them move out to force a sale for him to realise his inheritance on the property?

I can imagine in these circumstances it is building a lot of resentment as it would help take the pressure off financially.
is this something you could approach with him again?

I do think 2 extra cats right now isn’t the best idea as he should agree, I’m sure he feels his loss of independence and agency quite deeply. As the ignoring his views on this and then having the 2 cats as a constant reminder will not be an easy thing.

I definitely agree that you need time and things for yourself. However 2 cats are no the only way to achieve this. Join a small walking group, a knitting group. Volunteer at a cat shelter once a month. Something that gets you out of the house for 30mins an hour would be good.

I think you have fixated on the cats as the solution to your me time and convinced yourself it’s the only way to be realised. It’s not.

kaos2 · 01/02/2025 07:08

When my mum went to a care home I there was a much younger man there in a wheelchair and I started chatting to him . He said he had a massive stroke and his wife couldn't / wouldn't he his carer so he ended up in private care . He managed to secure CHC funding which is tricky but it pays for £100k care a year even if you have means to provide for yourself somewhat . I think she probably divorced him but I just thought I'd let you know . He was very bitter about it understandably and I imagine not nice to live with .

Just saying in cause you hadn't heard of it