Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

I'd get the cats OP.
You're 48, ignore what your mum says
You're paying for them
You deserve some joy in your life as being a carer is very hard
And to an extent, you're in charge now, the dynamic must have changed significantly in your house
And don't feel guilty about it (or let other people guilt trip you on it)
And your DH loves cats

That’s really because they are a joint responsibility though? Would 2 more cats affect the dh in any way? He might have to see them? This seems a bit more like the op wants to join a gym- something for her that takes money and time, and her dh and mum have abused her for even thinking of it.

My point was more that he's got some nerve telling her how to spend money when he's not contributing anything. Obviously he can't work but he could do the one thing he IS able to and claim the money he's owed.

To me, it sounds as though your husband and your mum think of you as a lesser being to be bossed about and spoken badly to. They are pissed off that you've done something without asking or deferring to either of them. How dare you do something nice for yourself?

I don't see that the new cats will impact on either of them at all.

Personally I say do it! It is none of your Mum's business. I don't understand why your husband would be so against it, you say you do everything and it's something nice in your life for you and your children. I think you deserve that!

Gently, this isn’t about the cats.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, whilst becoming disabled is undoubtedly affecting your DH, it’s clearly affecting you too.

First, your DM. She should not be speaking to you like that. You are entirely reasonable to put the phone down on her.

You say he’s not very nice - does this predate the disability? Whatever he’s feeling, he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.

Everything in the house, being the breadwinner and dealing with DC all falls to you. Does his disability dominate your lives?Do you have any other support beyond his carers?

If your DH is in “his room” and you’re alone of an evening, do you have much of a relationship with him beyond a caring role? Is it something that can be worked on, or has that time come and gone?

You sound like you’ve been trying to hold everything together and maintain some kind of normal for everyone but you’ve reached the end of your reserves.

Realistically, your DC will leave home and you could have another 30 years or more of this with your DH. It’s ok if you decide that you don’t want that or can’t cope with it. If you’re unhappy and there isn’t a way through, it’s ok to leave. You are a person with your own needs and wants, you matter too.

I’m so sorry OP, I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is. Give your current DCat a squish.

@Peachynose Any reason to be so rude ? Any idea what it is like supporting a quadriplegic?
@FloydWasACat YANBU at all, Im a nurse and Ive worked in the community so Ive seen how hard your type of situation can be. I have also heard - more times than I can count- that the dogs / cats in the household are massively important for the wellbeing of the spouse/ family members.

Bloody hell, you sound charming! ‘Gets put into his room’????

This is a really unpleasant and uncalled for comment. Finding life difficult doesn’t mean she hates him or has contempt for him. She’s simply showing us that she’s lonely in the evenings and wants cats for company. This isn’t negating his experiences as a disabled person. She is allowed her experiences and feelings too

Yes, as in the care team will arrive and do his nighttime routine, which will include actually hoisting him into the bed. Which takes 2 staff. So once he is in there he will only be getting up again when the morning team arrive to get him up. The op was being factually correct.

I like elephants - I wouldn’t have one in my home.

Agreed. That's why I would divorce him and have the cats.

I would ignore your mum and talk to dh again. The cats clearly bring you happiness and this is important. I hope you can make him understand

Why is she ‘in charge’ - is it because someone who no longer has the use of his limbs now cannot be allowed to have an opinion or make a decision? You’re infantilising an adult whilst being extremely ableist at the same time.

I know the comfort cats can bring. But I wouldn't get 2 youngsters as they would gang up on the older one and I'd be worried about him leaving home.

Maybe a single youngster or slightly older than that. Your existing cat needs to be able to stay dominant.

Present that as a compromise.

I don't think you should deny yourself or your children such pleasures at home.

Would be needing a really compelling reason from DH as to why his reasons outweigh yours.

Sorry, is she supposed to tart up her language to make you feel better about her husbands disability?

Yeah he’s put in his room. You can prefer “supported with evening routine before being assisted into bed” or whatever else you want to call it but it means the same thing. Her partner is not available to spend time with her after 9pm and she’s lonely.

I think you need stuff OUT of the home not
More things in the home. So money goes on babysitters not cats (vets bills are v high nowadays) -please get an interest out of the home -not just the carers group. Your Dh will possibly be jealous of this and your DM disapproving but please ignore - the days when wives devoted themselves solely to the needs of others is gone -and it would be a good example to your DD

This is not in the slightest bit ableist.

Caring for a quadriplegic can only be incredibly difficult, life altering and in OPs case, very lonely. Residential care should absolutely be a conversation and an option on the table. I would never want family caring for me in that situation, it's far too much for most people to bear.

And whether he was a wheelchair user or not, he is not contributing to the cost of these new cats. He has the opportunity to address the issue of his inheritance and lighten the financial burden on OP, but he's not doing it. And then he has the audacity to try and dictate our OP spends her salary? Nope, sorry.

Now if the cats are causing a ruckus at home, are otherwise seriously impacting the quality of life for this family, then that's a conversation to be had, but not in the horrible way OPs DH and DM have tried to have it but attacking this woman.

And for what it's worth, I don't even like cats, but OP and her remaining cat are lonely and this sounds like something that could help.

OP, cats aside, you say he is unpleasant to be around. Would you stay with him if he was this unpleasant pre accident? Don’t put up with someone being unpleasant to you just because they’re disabled.

Are you struggling financially as a family? Your dhs concerns seem to be about money and there is this backstory with the house / siblings. Is your Mum reacting strongly because you’ve expressed money concerns?

I wouldn’t take on 2 new young cats with an older one. The older one is going to be pushed out. If you really want to get another cat then get a single, older one but many older cats don’t actually do well with new cats coming into their home. If you can’t afford very good pet insurance for all of the animals then you can’t afford them.

I think you’ve latched onto the cat idea when it isn’t really about that.

No woman should ever feel obliged to stay married if she’s unhappy!
Unpopular opinion possibly, but you don’t have to become the default carer for your DH.

It is still your choice and as he’s taking you for granted, you need to remind him that you are not obligated just because you’re married to him and you could choose to get divorced.

You absolutely do not know your cat will be fine. Cat’s are very unpredictable.
She’s relatively old and the imposition of 2 young related cats may be very distressing for her. She has a her own territory and family and they will come in and dominate. I don’t know how much experience you have of introducing cats (not enough by the sounds of it) but this could go very wrong.

It feels to me like you’re projecting your own loneliness onto the cat and trying to resolve that, rather than thinking rationally.

Your current cat may very well resent two new cats.
My older cat utterly hated two kittens I rescued, though her detestation of them did seem to perk her up a bit and give her a purpose in life.

I think it’s actually really mean of your husband to try to deny your right to some joy and happiness

tbh if you had his problems would he have stuck around ?
hoe many men leave women when they get cancer or serious illness ?

I also think it was shittybofbhim shit stirring to your mum
I mean he literally told in you to you’re mum !! That would make me feel sick

get the cats op and enjoy them