Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

CP will look at whether it's a suitable home and your reasons for getting more cats. Your older cat doesn't "need" a friend, cats are naturally solitary animals. So many cats are miserable due to people not understanding this and expecting unrelated cats to bond and then live in the same house when they don't actually get on. Tolerating each other is often the result and it's a stressful outcome for the cats involved. I have many years of cat welfare and behaviour expertise on which this information is based.

The cats are not the issue here though and you should forget about these kittens, as the issue is your situation, you'd be bringing the kittens into a house where your feelings and theirs are not being considered. Your mum's opinion is irrelevant. I think you need to work on your relationship with your husband.

Please don't get 2 young cats for your older cat. This is a terrible idea. These cats will be bonded and it will probsbly make the older cat life difficult. You should probably find another slightly older cat.
PP have articulated the DH/DM situation well

Both your mum and DH sound incredibly overbearing! Why do they think they can speak to you like that? Are you normally a people please or the peace maker?
Your life sounds very hard. You and your children deserve every little joy you can get, and if that is in the shape of two kitty cats, so be it

I'd park the cat issue for now.

You are not happy in your relationship and you don't think that your husband gives you affection and respect.

Don't let his disability cloud the issue. The course of action for you is the same as if he was not disabled. Do you want to work on the relationship or are you done? If there is still something to salvage, does he have the capacity to reflect on his actions and change or is he unlikely to do this? These are the questions you should be thinking about imo.

An older unrelated cat will be even less likely to bond. The answer here is for the owners to give the current cat more attention, the cat doesn't need another cat or kitten as a friend. This goes wrong more than it ever goes right.

can't you help/ support him to deal with the inheritance issue?
if they're living there, why aren't they paying him rent? or offering to buy him out by paying a lump sum? it sounds like he urgently needs some legal advice, and this might remove some of the financial strain you're both under.

in the meantime, how the fuck did you think it was acceptable to go ahead and triple the number of cats in your marital home without your partner's consent?! if anyone did that to me, i would probably go 'apeshit' (as you put it) in some way too. i may love cats, but not necessarily want to live with a whole herd of them.

your existing cat doesn't necessarily want to live with more cats either! especially two siblings which come as a pair and may just bully an older cat.

your post illustrates what sounds like an unhealthy/ broken relationship. he 'gets put in his room' at 9pm every night, & you feel lonely?!
at least you have the freedom to go out and do things by yourself (when the carers spoke about 'doing stuff for you' they probably meant this, not 'get more cats'). do you not think he might feel even more lonely and isolated than you? no wonder he's not as happy as he was in the past!

I’m so sorry this has happened to your DH and to you. You’re coping with this horrible thing and the fallout of an angry DH, upset kids, and a hugely changed lifestyle. You’re doing so much care work both physically and psychologically. I bet you get so little headspace for yourself. Maybe you can’t just pop out to meet-ups as PPs suggest and the cats are so important because they provide company in your home, and the chance to have a relationship where you get paid some straightforward attention. I really hear you.

I hope you can chat to your DH at a better time, and chip away at his resistance a bit. It might still be possible to change his mind if he enjoys the cat too.

I’d also have a word with him again about the house you mentioned. At the end of the day his circumstances have changed massively and his brothers might be really sympathetic to that and buy him out. Wishing you the best 💐

Just because your DH loves your current cat doesn't mean he wants additional ones added to the household.

I love my cat, but she leaves hair everywhere, scratches things, and can be expensive (food, toys, insurance, annual vaccinations). She also likes to have the occasional hairball vomit 🤢. You say you're only able to work PT so could you really afford two more?

If I was going to get another cat I'd get a single rather than a bonded pair, so that my current cat doesn't get pushed out or bullied.

Having said all that, regardless of your DH "not being nice to live with", it's equally his home too and my belief is with something like animals, it should be a joint decision. If anyone in the household is not happy then it doesn't happen.

So your DH only objection is that you cannot afford another cat. Was your previous cat very costly at the end? Insurance wont cover much at that age.

Can your household afford another cat? The fact that it will come out of your wages is irrelevant, is there enough spare money to feed, insure and care for another cat? If so why does he not agree? You need a discussion.

Similarly his share of his mums house is irrelevant (altho needs sorting), the fact you being it up suggests there are money issues.

And your mum, her reaction also suggests that you don't have the resources for another cat. But maybe she's just abusive.

Bringing an animal into the home needs to be a joint decision. If dh does not agree and you do it anyway it is very disrespectful and controlling given that he cannot stop you. Maybe it is time to go your separate ways.

My sister bought a dog when she had three young children, was living overseas with no family in the country she was in and her husband was diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. She and her children needed that dog. My mother was also a little dubious that my sister should be taking on extra responsibilities but she said nothing to my sister.

My sister and her children needed the joy and insouciance that the (small) dog brought into their home in those very dark years.

Do what you want to do OP. Sounds like your mum and DH have always controlled your life and they are still doing this. I would tell DH he can move out and live in a care home if he is going to continue to be abusing you .
tell your mum you are a grown woman and to butt out. They should not be “ganging up” to abuse you. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself .

I suspect there must be a very good reason why both your mum and your dh think this is such a bad idea?
3 cats is an awful lot. I am not sure about cats wanting more cats in the house.

I do think you’re being a bit U as everyone in the house has to want a pet. Plus young cats can be absolute twats so everyone has to want one.

Plus I think you’re using cats as a sticking plaster on a broken leg- I think you might be better thinking about more support/ changing how you live rather than bringing 2 more lives into this.

you still haven’t really given their reasons for saying no other than him on cost and her because she always says no? If there are no other genuine reasons then they are both controlling in their different ways. What has it to do with your mother anyway? Does she live with you? As for him he’s presumably desperate to be in control of something in his life. Either way sounds you and the kids would be better off without either of them.

I have a mother like yours. She needs to fuck off.

Your life sounds full of sacrifices. Get the cats. If he doesn’t like it he can leave, or you and DC can leave.

You are asking for one, ok, two little things 😺😺 to help get you through.

A bit off-topic I know, but maybe consider the fact that cats are solitary and territorial by nature (the species they descend from lives alone in the wild) and introducing new ones might not go well. Sometimes they get to be "friends" with another cat if they've lived with them all their life but that doesn't mean they're going to take to another one. You might just end up with constant fighting and a cat that runs away.

DH must be very sad and angry about what's happened to him but it's no excuse for abuse. Have you considered residential care for him? Until then, maybe tell him that until he does the one thing he's able to do to contribute to the bills (getting his share of the house), he can keep his thoughts on how you budget to himself. And for the love of God put your foot down with your mother - you don't have to allow anyone to speak to you like that.

As long as you can afford them for the whole of their lives it should be ok. But might just one more be enough?

We got our DGirlCat a friend because she needed socialisation and then DBoycat needed a proper home. They have been so good for each other and I've not noticed a huge difference in costs or time having them both.

I can understand why you and the other cat need another. Your life sounds hard.

I'd sit down with DH and say that you really want another cat and how important it is for your own health.

Then compromise by agreeing not to get the 2 younger cats but looking for one of similar age to the current one... and just don't involve your mum!

💐 I can't even imagine how exhausting and lonely your life is at times. So I agree with you: You are also a person with needs and wants. All of the needs and some of the wants should be met!

Think twice about increasing the number of pets in the household
also, have a very honest conversation with yourself- if your husband was not disabled and treated you like that would you still be in that relationship? Don’t let guilt keep you there
more pets would make it more difficult to leave

Cost of 2 new cats for insurance, deworming and defleaing meds and food is c£80-100 pm.
I think that's quite a cost to take on without any joint discussion. It doesn't matter that you are earning its family money.
The situation sound so sad. But you could do something for yourself (very important) without spending quite so much.

The cats are a red herring here.

The whole situation sounds unworkable long-term. Your husband gets "put in his room" every night, you have no company in the evenings, you argue and your mum interferes and gets involved in decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

It's okay to leave an unhappy marriage even if your husband is disabled - you don't have to sacrifice your life for him if you don't want to

I'm confused too.
I'm not sure why 2 different family members would react so strongly.
If we ignore DM , apart from the interesting fury, why was DH so angry if you've previously had 2 and you do everything?
Maybe it should be a family decision, but I feel sad for you. This is your joy and comfort and no one is listening. I'm sad you sound so lonely 🥺.
Is DH always super reactive?

You don't know that your cat will be fine with the new arrivals. It's more likely to be extremely stressful for it, having new cats taking over its space. I used to work in an animal shelter and people would constantly bring cats back post adoption because the old cat hated the new one. They would do things like toileting outside the litter tray, a classic sign of stress in cats, some would run away, never to be seen again. Just because your cat was fine with the one you lost, doesn't mean it will be fine with other cats. I think it's cruel to do this.