Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

If a woman becomes terminally ill (this is probably not exactly right but you get the drift) her husband is 600% more likely to leave her than if you reverse the sexes. But women do still leave.
You have options.

I'm very allergic to cats and might be able to just about cope with one but definitely wouldn't cope with more and have never understood the need for multiple cat ownership, I think it's weird and I think it's dirty. You are proposing going from one cat to three! They climb on all the work surfaces and the people who have cat litter trays in the house, for me that's revolting. Perhaps your husband has some of these issues? What your mum thinks is irrelevant unless she visits a lot and is allergic.

I think when people at your carers group advised you to do something for yourself they were probably thinking of time away from the house doing something relaxing, enriching or fun, not bringing more animals into the house which need caring for.

YABVU. Both adults in the house should say yes before making the decision on pets.

He said no. You should not have got them.

Yes, mutual, with compromise on both sides to ensure both are happy with the arrangement. Actually, I wouldn’t buy a new car without discussing and agreeing it with my DH, but adopting a cat? Yes. We would discuss it but, we can afford it and I will do all the care? His say isn’t the final one because his needs and wants are not more important than my own, especially when it won’t negatively affect him.

It sounds to me like he is lonely too? Can you change the routine and spend evenings together in his room? Personally I think you need to work on the relationship before introducing another pet...

forget your mums opinion.
your DH should be considered but bloody hell; it’s only two cats. I’d just do it. And then I’d probably think about divorce because this sort of behavior from your DH isn’t ok and you sound miserable.. there is a life for you that’s happier xxx

What will three cats give you that your one cat doesn't? Imagine the conversation was about going from having one dog to having three? What is it about people needing lots of cats?

i am shocked at your mum's reaction
she isnt a young person to be using such awful language

Get the cats; do what you can to bring a bit of love and happiness into your life

OP, I just have to warn you that I have twice tried to introduce a new cat to the household with a negative outcome.
The first time, the original cat left home and started to live with a neighbour.
Years later, with another cat, I got a new kitten who grew up to be a bully, so the older cat lived her life looking over her shoulder.

I know, I thought they were quoting you! You never said he doesn't like cats, I realise this🙂

Adopting two cats when you already have a cat? And your partner who lives in the house with you doesn't want two extra cats? I'd hate it and it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner went ahead and got two extra cats.

DH says we can't afford anymore pets but when his parents both died around 6 years ago he was supposed to get 1/4 of the house. He never did anything about it so his two older brothers are living still mortgate-free and won't leave.

You need to talk to a probate solicitor about this and maybe ask them to come to visit your husband to help sort this out.

Well, I make a lot of compromises for my DH, as he is well aware. So if I wanted two more cats (animals are my thing and he has always known that about me) and he tried to “put his foot down”. After I’d stopped laughing, I’d adopt the cats. Him saying no would be a dealbreaker for me. Unless he had a valid reason like an allergy or we genuinely couldn’t afford it, but in that situation, I wouldn’t do it anyway. Which sounds like how it is for op.

Pets are like babies, both people (or the whole family in this instance) have to agree.

Why is your DH so anti the idea, does he think he wont get enough attention, is his immune system weak and he thinks he'll catch something. His he become more overbearing since he's become so dependent?

Wee cats generally don't need that much attention. I'd try and find out why he and your DM are so anti the idea.

The cats are a red herring. Children should not be near a parent who goes "apeshit" which I assume means losing control and shouting and a grandmother who thinks it's acceptable to call another person fucking stupid. Terrible behaviour being modelled to them. Appreciate your husband is under immense stress with his disability but that will be irrelevant to the outcome for your children and their emotional development.

Hi op, this sounds like a very tough and lonely situation for you and I totally get why you want another cat.

Your mother is bonkers and I would tell her to fuck right off. It sounds like you love your dh and his response might be a little more complicated. I would imagine it is very difficult for him adjusting to his disability and I wonder if his getting angry and saying no isn't about the cats at all and more about feeling powerless. You have basically had to cope with everything and have presented the cats as another thing you will deal with and I suspect he is struggling with no longer having power, control and choices. If you love him and you want to stay together I wonder if you both might need some counselling to explore the new dynamic. This might be a harsh thing to say but you don't have to remain in an unhappy marriage out of duty op so do think carefully about what you are gaining.

I don’t think this is about cats.

OP how long is it since your husband became disabled? What were the circumstances?

It’s a massive adjustment for any couple / family to make. Is it working? How is your relationship with your husband? What about him and the children?

your husband doesn’t have his parents around, and his brothers are - what? Estranged from him? Not in touch? Dies he have anyone other than you in his life?

DH says we can't afford anymore pets but when his parents both died around 6 years ago he was supposed to get 1/4 of the house. He never did anything about it so his two older brothers are living still mortgate-free and won't leave.

This is one hell of a backstory. He needs to get this sorted out. Was there a will?

Why on earth does your Mum think she can "forbid" you to do anything!

Yeah. You're married so finances should be a joint and civil discussion