Humiliated by mil

DustyD · 2025-01-31T23:32:09+00:00

I need some advice. Been with Dp for one year, we are very happy. Tonight mil embarrassed me by revealing something to a kitchen full of people (family event) that we were talking about earlier in the day. She was making fun of me in a very bitchy way, very low and brutal without revealing it was me. The other guests were joining in and this revelation and it was all taken as a joke. She then revealed where this person was from which was very obvious it was me ( I'm from a different area) I was sitting there totally humiliated while everyone was laughing at my expense as if this was a big joke. I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do? She also agrees with me it was completely out of order and a very low blow, and will be talking to her Dm. I'm considering ending the relationship because is this the family I want to be apart of ? Aibu

Gymnopedie · 31/01/2025 23:59

If this is typical of MIL, yes I'd say get out.

I'm wondering if she was enjoying being the centre of attention (rather too much) and didn't care what she said.

Withoout knowing what it was and what she said (and I'm not asking) it's for you to decide. But I'd think about the context when you do. If she's generally a blabbermouth you will never be able to tell her anything, you'll be limited to conversations about the weather. And would DP back you up or also blab? 'What can I do?' is feeble, to put it politely. It doesn't sound like she'd have your back.

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 00:04

Well, surely if your partner had defended you in front of the gathering, it would have made it explicit to everyone there that you were the one they were mocking, thereby humiliating you further?

fairycakes1234 · 01/02/2025 00:05

I'd keep away from her but wouldn't take it out on your partner x

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 00:09

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 00:04

Well, surely if your partner had defended you in front of the gathering, it would have made it explicit to everyone there that you were the one they were mocking, thereby humiliating you further?

Just to add extra context, mil made it known it was me being mocked because she told everyone where this person was from so it was very obvious it was me as I'm from a different part of the country.
Everyone's eyes were all on me and laughing

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 00:42

Oh god, I would get out of that family as fast as I could. Is there anything keeping you with your partner? Children? Shared housing? If not I would be off as fast as I could.

Alalalala · 01/02/2025 00:48

That’s horrific. I wouldn’t immediately dump your partner but a very strong boundary needs to be put in place and you need to know your partner has your back.

She may have some FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) paralysing her in terms of not being able to stick up for you or herself within her family.

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2025 00:49

She’s not your mother in law she’s your boyfriend’s mum would not spend any more time with her.

PizzaPunk · 01/02/2025 00:50

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2025 00:49

She’s not your mother in law she’s your boyfriend’s mum would not spend any more time with her.

Girlfriend's mum.

OP, you said she's going to have a word with her mum so what more can she do?

If she'd have spoken up at the time, it would've been like actually naming you.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/02/2025 00:56

If they won't stand up for you they aren't a decent partner.

WhingeInTheWillows · 01/02/2025 01:01

Is this out of character for your MIL? If it is then see what she does after your partner speaks to her. I’d expect an apology and her promise not to do something like that again.

If she is like this regularly then you’re right to question the relationship. You could end up with years of this, that would be a ‘no’ for me.

RawBloomers · 01/02/2025 01:13

In my experience it is unusual to have a family gathering where everyone felt comfortable mocking not just a stranger, but someone who was right there. I don't think I've been in an adult gathering where most people, let alone everyone, would have been comfortable with that. So I'm just wondering if this was not as poorly intended as it felt to you at the time?

Is this something that you're particularly sensitive about, maybe especially because you feel like a bit of an odd one out at the gathering? Would some people be fine and laugh along? Or would it have been fine if it was a group of friends you trusted more?

It might not make any difference. Even if MiL wasn't trying to intentionally put you down but this is just the way that family are and it's not a way of relating that you are comfortable with, then the relationship may not be a good fit for you anyway. But if it is just be down to different understandings about where the lines are and there was no malice involved then there is the possibility you can learn to get on together in a way that's mutually respectful if you talk to her about how this made you feel.

StormingNorman · 01/02/2025 01:17

Are you sure she was mocking you and not just teasing?

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 01:27

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2025 00:49

She’s not your mother in law she’s your boyfriend’s mum would not spend any more time with her.

Thank you for all the replies.

Just to give more info.

We are same sex in a long distance relationship (2 hours) we are planning on moving in together in a few months time with me moving away from my family and job.

I'm happy to do this and we have talked about getting married.

Our relationship is very good and loving, and we are both happy but I find mil to be critical at times and harsh about certain things.

I have been welcomed into the family but I find I get on better with other people within the family than mil.

I am quiet person and don't like confrontation, girlfriends father asked me outside ( I stepped outside 10 minutes later) was I ok and not to be offended and was very nice about it.

I just don't know if I would want to go through the "critical and harshness" that I know mil can show and her different views
I also don't want to feel resentment towards my Dp as I know she lets mil get away with a lot

OP posts:

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 01/02/2025 01:31

It's impossible to advise not knowing what was said, and I understand why you may not want to divulge that.

Your DP is not their family but you need to bear in mind the extent that family members will have in your life.

Your DP should have your back though.

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 01:33

StormingNorman · 01/02/2025 01:17

Are you sure she was mocking you and not just teasing?

No it was definitely mocking, Dp was very angry afterwards and said it was uncalled for and she shouldn't have done it.
I also feel like dp couldn't do anything in the moment without making everyone else feel uncomfortable and a making a scene.

I do understand that Dp does let her dm away with certain things as in how harsh she can be in different situations.

If my Dp was treated like this by my family in a room full of people she barely knew I would be furious.

I just want reassurance that I'm not being ott even know my feelings have been hurt a lot and I am just completely humiliated.

OP posts:

BeLilacSloth · 01/02/2025 01:35

Your girlfriends Dad seems lovely and obviously knows exactly what mil is like! I wouldn’t break up with someone over this as it sounds like you have a brilliant relationship and you wouldn’t want to throw it away over one comment.
Maybe you need to talk to your DP about boundaries with mil and she needs to talk to her if she upsets you and I woilfn’t be sharing too much about you to mil in future.

RickiRaccoon · 01/02/2025 01:36

Without knowing what was said, I did wonder if you were being oversensitive and it was innocent teasing. If you objectively believe it was outright b**y mocking when she doesn't know you that well and you're sitting right there, then she and the rest of the family are horrible and rude. In the latter case either you should agree with your DP that her family's horrible and you don't have to have contact with them in the future or you should break up with your DP now and avoid years of dealing with a horrible extended family.

Lactosefreemilk · 01/02/2025 01:44

I think I’d end the relationship - at the moment it’s only been 12 months, I wouldn’t want to waste years only to end the relationship when you realise that this is the family dynamic, this is who MIL is and everyone just tiptoes around her and lets her get away with it. I don’t put myself in situations where I will be treated poorly, which means I wouldn’t be seeing MIL for future family get togethers…and if I knew that, then I’d also know that there’s no future in this relationship.

If you do decide to give this relationship more time, please don’t move away from your family, friends and job for this person - I think this move is hugely risky and disadvantageous for you.

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 01:47

RickiRaccoon · 01/02/2025 01:36

Without knowing what was said, I did wonder if you were being oversensitive and it was innocent teasing. If you objectively believe it was outright b**y mocking when she doesn't know you that well and you're sitting right there, then she and the rest of the family are horrible and rude. In the latter case either you should agree with your DP that her family's horrible and you don't have to have contact with them in the future or you should break up with your DP now and avoid years of dealing with a horrible extended family.

We have been together a year and we have spent a lot of time together with mil and the rest of the immediate family ( very close family)

Me and Mil were in the kitchen earlier in the day having a talk about my lifestyle choices which she doesn't agree with and thinks I can make better choices.
I didn't initiate the conversation she was asking me questions and I was answering.

We do know each other a lot having spent a lot of time together and I have been welcomed into the family and I am liked.

Now I'm questioning if mil does in fact like me because it was very bitchy , (Dp agrees it was very bitchy and shouldn't have happened)

Me and Dp have a very good relationship and my lifestyle choices can be better but Dp is happy with me and definitely would not want to break up ( she was worried that I have had enough)

I have been tested in this relationship as in I've been threw into situations early on in our relationship that I was not completely comfortable ( family funerals and gatherings) with but I want to be there for my Dp and support her in any way.

OP posts:

LondonLawyer · 01/02/2025 01:48

You could, it's up to you OP. Obviously you were very upset, and not just by the comments, but the fact that it wasn't challenged by your partner. You could say you won't go to the house again, or spend time with her parents, she can, you aren't going.
But this isn't really a "MIL". You've only been together a year, you don't live together, there's no need for you to see your girlfriend's mother at all.

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 01:53

LondonLawyer · 01/02/2025 01:48

You could, it's up to you OP. Obviously you were very upset, and not just by the comments, but the fact that it wasn't challenged by your partner. You could say you won't go to the house again, or spend time with her parents, she can, you aren't going.
But this isn't really a "MIL". You've only been together a year, you don't live together, there's no need for you to see your girlfriend's mother at all.

Thanks for the reply.

As I've said up above , we are planning on moving in together in a few months time. I will be moving 2 hours and across the country to live with my Dp.

We both feel that we are in a serious committed relationship with marriage down the line as we are both very happy but obviously I'm worried about resentment towards my Dp as this is just "that's the way dm is" and to just accept it's who she is.

I just feel like no one should disrespect anyone or make them feel little especially in front of an audience and now I am questioning do I want to put up with this behaviour because Dp family comes as a package deal, ( very close family)

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 01/02/2025 01:54

One thing that strikes me is that she should butt out of commenting on your lifestyle. You say it could be better - but that's for you and maybe DP to think about. It's nothing to do with MIL. What else does she put her oar in over?

LAMPS1 · 01/02/2025 01:55

Halt your plans to move away from your own family to this family until this all gets sorted.
Your gf isn’t taking it anywhere near seriously enough and that is a real issue for your future happiness.
She should make it clear to her mum that what she did wasn’t acceptable.
You need a sincere apology from each of them and evidence that they have changed their ways before even thinking of living together.
Continue to stand up for yourself OP.
Don’t allow yourself to drift into a bad situation.

LondonLawyer · 01/02/2025 01:59

You can't change the mother. You can't change how your partner reacts. You need to think about what you can do.
You can say to your partner, "that was upsetting, humiliating, and your reaction was hurtful. How are we going to deal with it?"
You can decide to continue the relationship but not see her mother or visit the family house; your relationship with your partner doesn't have to involve her Mum. You can decide that whatever your partner says in reply to the above is acceptable / not acceptable, and go with that. Or you can end the relationship.
Yes, it sounds horrible, and of course you shouldn't be treated like that. But you can't alter that.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/02/2025 02:07

Are you going to be moving to where DP currently lives? And if so, is her family there too?

Do you get on well with your family?

If the above are all answered yes, then I'd ask your DP to move to you instead.

Your girlfriend's mum doesn't like you. You may have thought she did, as I did with mine, but this stunt shows you she doesn't. I relocated to be with my boyfriend, near his family, then his mother could no longer contain herself, and although she'd spent 2.5yrs pretending to like me, she then declared she couldn't stand me. It was awful. I'd changed jobs and everything to move there. I wish I hadn't!! It did NOT end well!