Page 4 | Humiliated by mil

DustyD · 2025-01-31T23:32:09+00:00

I need some advice. Been with Dp for one year, we are very happy. Tonight mil embarrassed me by revealing something to a kitchen full of people (family event) that we were talking about earlier in the day. She was making fun of me in a very bitchy way, very low and brutal without revealing it was me. The other guests were joining in and this revelation and it was all taken as a joke. She then revealed where this person was from which was very obvious it was me ( I'm from a different area) I was sitting there totally humiliated while everyone was laughing at my expense as if this was a big joke. I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do? She also agrees with me it was completely out of order and a very low blow, and will be talking to her Dm. I'm considering ending the relationship because is this the family I want to be apart of ? Aibu

Theunamedcat · 01/02/2025 08:15

Maybe she should move to you rather than you give up everything

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/02/2025 08:16

Newfoundzestforlife · 01/02/2025 07:34

You missed the point spectacularly....petty and pedantic.

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I don't think it is pedantic. The point is that this is a relatively new relationship and not too late to back off.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 01/02/2025 08:22

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/02/2025 08:16

I don't think it is pedantic. The point is that this is a relatively new relationship and not too late to back off.

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Agree. This woman is not OP's mother in law. It's over dramatising and it's easy for her to extract herself.

YeFaerieBean · 01/02/2025 08:24

You are giving up your old life to move in with your partner - potentially needing to change job, costs of moving, moving away from your family and friends and moving to where you are an “outsider” in her close knit family and it now seems the butt of their jokes.

What is she giving up for you - she is staying in her cosy family world. What if once you have moved (and it’s difficult and costly for you to move back) she shows that she is cut from the same cloth as her mother and is just as bitchy. Sometimes when you have given up your normal life for someone else they show their true colours.

How many partnerships/marriages founder because of how the in-laws behave?

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 08:26

SALaw · 01/02/2025 06:41

You don't live together, you live 2 hours apart, you've been together 1 year. Yes you are being unreasonable by calling this woman your mother in law.

Thanks for all the replies.

We are same sex couple, we have been in long distance and live two hours away from each other but we make it work.

My girlfriend is loving and supportive and we have a good relationship, we have plans to move in together in a few months, she can't move to me because of work, I can work anywhere.

I have been planning to propose this year, I made this decision after Christmas, so yes she will be my mil.

Last night really opened my eyes and I was shocked. We didn't just sit while this was going on we passed ourselves and I smiled. I then left to go outside 10 minutes later

OP posts:

SALaw · 01/02/2025 08:27

@CaptainMyCaptain and @IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle 🙌🏼 thanks - exactly my point. This is the "getting to know you" phase of the relationship, not the "having to put up with a mother in law" phase. It is easy to decide the set up is not for the OP and for her to end things.

HardenYourHeart · 01/02/2025 08:34

OP, can you please stop using the b-word to describe another woman? It's dehumanizing, especially as you give no specifics to your girlfriend's mom actual behavior.

We can only take your word for it that it was mean and humiliating. I do now doubt your word because you keep referring to female dogs when you are actually talking about another human being.

Chillilounger · 01/02/2025 08:34

Did you tell your girlfriends dad you were hurt or did you pretend everything was ok? Honestly your girlfriend needs to sit down with both of them. Tell them it was completely unacceptable and if anything like that happens again neither of you will be coming around again. If that doesn't happen then you may as well leave now because this will just get worse.

Mirabai · 01/02/2025 08:35

I wonder if this is latent anger with her DD for being gay.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 01/02/2025 08:36

Why are you the one that has to move? I wouldn't be moving anywhere near that. You will end up isolated and possibly bullied.

Emonade · 01/02/2025 08:38

What lifestyle choices? I can’t imagine what they could be that would cause so much drama

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 08:45

DustyD · 01/02/2025 00:09

Just to add extra context, mil made it known it was me being mocked because she told everyone where this person was from so it was very obvious it was me as I'm from a different part of the country.
Everyone's eyes were all on me and laughing

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Yes, you said that, but a lot of other people come from different parts of the country! Wouldn’t you have felt worse being mocked by name, if your girlfriend had said ‘Hey, Mum, stop talking about @DustyD like that?

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 01/02/2025 08:50

I’d put off moving in together tbh, don’t need to end the relationship but don’t move away from your family/friends just yet… give it another year

Redcandlescandal · 01/02/2025 08:53

By lifestyle choices do you mean vegetarianism? Or drugs?

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:54

Come on OP, we cannot possibly comment on whether your Gfs DM was being rude or not because we don't know what she said! If she was teasing you about having gravy on your chips (a very Northern thing) then not so much!

Craftycorvid · 01/02/2025 08:54

You have a few options: don’t disclose anything further to her that you would not want shared or turned into a ‘joke’. That’s liable to make social contact a bit of a strain at times as we usually like to discuss our lives with people we see as close to us. Or, have a private conversation with her in which you tell her clearly and calmly that you were troubled that she not only shared a confidence but made it a cause to mock you. You then tell her you didn’t find it funny and you don’t want it to happen again. Those are your boundaries. Her reaction will be informative one way or another. You can then just tell her that option one will be invoked if she ever does anything like that again ie you won’t be telling her anything further about yourself if she can’t be trusted. Or….wild card….make up the most oddball ‘facts’ you like and wait for them to emerge in group conversation before looking baffled and saying ‘MIL, you’re confusing me with someone else.’ Or otherwise treating her as if she’s lost the plot. I’d always favour directness but if all else fails and you want the partnership preserved, gain a reputation with MIL for telling massive tall tales (preferably ones you can then publicly debunk or laugh at her for being so gullible).

Redcandlescandal · 01/02/2025 08:57

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:54

Come on OP, we cannot possibly comment on whether your Gfs DM was being rude or not because we don't know what she said! If she was teasing you about having gravy on your chips (a very Northern thing) then not so much!

I’m a total southerner, but a friend from Yorkshire introduced me to gravy on my chips.

Never looked back!

Darkmorningsarethepits · 01/02/2025 09:02

I would not be moving two hours away from my friends and own family to isolate myself with a family who don’t support me no.

But also if I’m honest you sound a bit intense and ?immature. You are fast forwarding the relationship in your language (she isn’t your MIL) and your actions (going to so many family events early on) So I’m wondering how it was actually meant and what the full context was vs your perception.

Maybe just hold fire a bit and stop spending so much time with this family. And build up your own life and confidence first.

BunnyLake · 01/02/2025 09:04

She’s not your mil she’s your one year partner’s mother. That means you have a choice whether you want this woman in your life permanently or not.

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 09:07

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:54

Come on OP, we cannot possibly comment on whether your Gfs DM was being rude or not because we don't know what she said! If she was teasing you about having gravy on your chips (a very Northern thing) then not so much!

Earlier in the day we were talking about my lifestyle choices. How I smoke (only one that smokes) and my eating habits. I do eat healthy but I let go at the weekends as in takeaways. I didn't think this conversation was going to be used against me for laughs.

My girlfriend comes from a very sporty family and she too is sporty so I can understand that my lifestyle choices can be better as they all play sports.

I am quiet in large groups and I did feel humiliated and judged because I was being mocked.

Hope this context helps

OP posts:

Original poster

DustyD · 01/02/2025 09:15

Darkmorningsarethepits · 01/02/2025 09:02

I would not be moving two hours away from my friends and own family to isolate myself with a family who don’t support me no.

But also if I’m honest you sound a bit intense and ?immature. You are fast forwarding the relationship in your language (she isn’t your MIL) and your actions (going to so many family events early on) So I’m wondering how it was actually meant and what the full context was vs your perception.

Maybe just hold fire a bit and stop spending so much time with this family. And build up your own life and confidence first.

Edited

We have been in a long distance relationship so yes our relationship has moved quickly cause we have to put extra work in to make it work. We are very happy, it's been a year with plans to move in together ( this was decided before Christmas)

I plan to propose sometime this year as I am very happy but now I'm rethinking

OP posts:

Trumptonagain · 01/02/2025 09:21

SALaw · 01/02/2025 06:41

You don't live together, you live 2 hours apart, you've been together 1 year. Yes you are being unreasonable by calling this woman your mother in law.

100% this...

Gazelda · 01/02/2025 09:21

I'd expect GF to make it very clear to her mum that her comments were hurtful and she owes an apology. And a repeat of the mocking would result in lower contact.

And I'd put off the moving in together. You're putting your whole life on the line, and you need to take more time to get to know GF and her family before making such a huge move.

A year isn't a long time in a relationship. Being long distance makes it even trickier. I strongly urge you to slow down.

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 09:25

DustyD · 01/02/2025 09:07

Earlier in the day we were talking about my lifestyle choices. How I smoke (only one that smokes) and my eating habits. I do eat healthy but I let go at the weekends as in takeaways. I didn't think this conversation was going to be used against me for laughs.

My girlfriend comes from a very sporty family and she too is sporty so I can understand that my lifestyle choices can be better as they all play sports.

I am quiet in large groups and I did feel humiliated and judged because I was being mocked.

Hope this context helps

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So your girlfriend’s mother was saying all people from your area are known for smoking and eating fast food? After you had earlier told her you smoked (but presumably she knew anyway) and ate takeaways?

This is sounding weirder and weirder.

Do you mind me asking how old you are, OP? I’m not sure you sound mature enough to contemplate marrying and moving away from your home place.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2025 09:25

"We both feel that we are in a serious committed relationship with marriage down the line as we are both very happy but obviously I'm worried about resentment towards my Dp as this is just "that's the way dm is" and to just accept it's who she is".

This is a Big Red Flag right there regardless of the sex of the partner. She's grown up with her mother and regards her actions as normal. You will remain the outsider here who is not fully accepted. Your partner has fear, obligation and guilt re her mother in spades. Her inertia too when it comes to her mother hurts her as well as you.

I would urge you most strongly to put the brakes on and not either give up your current job or to move in with her.