Humiliated by mil

[DustyD]

I need some advice.
Been with Dp for one year, we are very happy. Tonight mil embarrassed me by revealing something to a kitchen full of people (family event) that we were talking about earlier in the day. She was making fun of me in a very bitchy way, very low and brutal without revealing it was me. The other guests were joining in and this revelation and it was all taken as a joke.

She then revealed where this person was from which was very obvious it was me ( I'm from a different area)

I was sitting there totally humiliated while everyone was laughing at my expense as if this was a big joke.
I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do?
She also agrees with me it was completely out of order and a very low blow, and will be talking to her Dm.

I'm considering ending the relationship because is this the family I want to be apart of ?

Aibu

Why not raise it directly with the MIL? Tell her you were upset and felt humiliated. Her reaction will be telling. If she’s dismissive or defensive, I wouldn’t be willingly spending much time in her company.

They sound quite enmeshed. People asking you if you're OK afterwards but laughing along and am I reading it right that you were expected to go to funerals early in the relationship?!

I would delay moving at the very least. A year in people are still on best behaviour, I would sort this out properly before moving.

The irony of getting it so completely wrong!! Love it!

For what it's worth my kids' partners call me MIL.

If he was lovely he would have said something. As with many men in these relationships he lets her get away with it. Can just imagine the "oh you know Julie, she's just like that, don't take any offence". So op partner won't say anything and he won't either every single time she does it, and she has done it once and no one has pulled her up so she will feel she has carte blanche to go for you. It's normal to them.

So you both just sat there in silence while she mocked you over a prolonged period? That's pretty odd.

She clearly doesn't think you're good enough for her daughter. I'd be interested to hear more about your "lifestyle choices".

Get out of this relationship. And she is not your MIL - you are not married. Can you imagine, what liberties she will take if you are married? Also, this attitude does not spring from nothing - she picks it up from your 'partner'. He did not stick up for you - and even before not sticking up for you, he did not make his mum aware that 'this is the best woman in the world, I am so desperate to keep her, for her not to leave, please help me make sure she feels the best she can around us' - do you think for one minute Mrs Middleton cracked jokes like that at the expense of the prince when they were trying to 'bring him into the fold'? Get out whilst you can and find somebody who would appreciate you. This woman is vulgar, poorly brought up - you don't show familiarity to strangers like that.

I would have left on the spot without your partner since he said nothing to stand up for you.

this is a cue to have a proper chat with your gf about your future plans, and talk about how this recent incident has left you feeling. if she didn't feel able to back you up at the time (even if she and her dad have both expressed some kind of sympathy or understanding since) that's indicative of what's likely to happen next time this unpleasant woman acts in this way.

in terms of self-preservation, i think it'd be wise to rethink the idea of moving away from all of yr friends and family in order to be nearer to hers. why doesn't yr gf move to your area? or why don't you both move to a third, more 'neutral' location?

if you do decide to move closer to, and/or spend more time with her 'close' family, i think that both of you should have a serious chat with this woman first, and explain that her behaviour has been unacceptably rude/ mean, and if it happens again will be responded to differently.

your gf needs to demonstrate that she has your back/ that the two of you will function as a team to assert some boundaries.

if this woman refuses to change, you will both be forced to go low-no contact with her.

if your gf refuses to support you, don't make her mother your MIL (which only happens if you get married or civil-partnered by the way)

You've only been together a year, you're not married and don't even live together so she's not your mother in law she's your girlfriend's mum. You don't have to put up with this so get away from them. They sound horrible.

I'd want to see some evidence that DP is prepared to have my back before I committed to a move and leaving my job. This shouldn't be just a "oh mum, that was uncalled for" conversation. She should be firmly challenging her mum and telling her outright that her behaviour was disgusting and will not be accepted going forwards. Together you need a joined up plan on how you'd deal with a future situation, whether that be an immediate challenge, or getting up together quietly and leaving, or whatever.

Sounds as though you're planning to move to where they all live, so this woman is going to be in your lives a lot. If they're a close family your DP will probably want to spend a lot of time with them, so make sure she can stand up to her mum and enforce boundaries before the move takes place.

Why try to minimise clearly bullying behaviour by using a slightly different word?

The OP was made fun of.

When an individual is singled out by a group it is a common human response to go quiet rather than retaliate.

It is very important to understand the range of normal human responses to difficult situations is wide.

Criticising a quiet response is victim-blaming.

You missed the point spectacularly....petty and pedantic.

In some families, laughing with each other and slagging is considered fun and loving. It is clear that the OP didn't enjoy this incident, but please do try to understand that not everything is malicious. OP can explain that she doesn't enjoy teasing/slagging/jokes. Likely not at all meant meanly. Some families are fun, others aren't. Just a cultural difference. Important, yes, because the OP doesn't enjoy it. But Mumsnet baying about the MIL being awful is really over the top. Likely just a misunderstanding of how sensitive the OP is. The DIL likely checked on her because she got so quiet. That's really nice.

Singling one person out to humiliate them is a pretty sick idea of fun....and then you make it worse by branding the OP "sensitive".
Jesus wept.

Hard one. I’d say the biggest problem is the combination of uprooting your life and the closeness of your DP’s family.

You’ll be further away from your family and friends in a new place and that’ll make you extra vulnerable. Then, given the closeness of your DP to her mother, you’ll be seeing MIL a lot.

I don’t give a shit what people think of me. Can mock me all they like. They’re the joke if they do. But I’m not sure I could spend a lot of time with the sort of dick who takes my personal info and makes it into a hilarious joke to regale the guests at one of their parties.

If you want to stay with your DP, can she move to be with you? So, you stay where you’re comfortable and her mother’s at a distance. If she can’t, as her family come first, you have your answer. They matter to her more than you.

I wouldn’t move.

Why can’t GF move to where you live?

I wouldn’t be uprooting my life to be a punching bag for this horrible woman.

@TravellingTartan even if they don't live with your child and have only been with them a year ? At what point do they start calling you that? After the first date? After a week? A month?

@Newfoundzestforlife I didn't miss the point at all. I made a new point. It's not petty or pedantic. This woman is not the OP's mother in law by any stretch of the imagination. This is the mother of someone she's dating. I'd have had a hell of a lot of mothers in law in my life if I applied the term to such people.

I’m sorry. She sounds like a bitch in that case. Unfortunately people like her don’t change - the only way to handle them is not to give them the ammunition. It’s sad though when you can’t talk to family for fear of it being used against you later.

The only other way is to call them out: “I think you’re referring to me MIL. That was a private conversation so thanks for sharing with everyone”.

This. Leave, it will not get better if your partner is not prepared to defend you and allows you to be humiliated in front of everyone.

what a nasty family.

My MIL is cruel and has turned it on me. This has never made me want to leave my partner but he has stood up for me in the past against her. She now never turns her cruelty on me. If he hadn’t said something this would have made me think about leaving as it would have been about his behaviour. I also avoid some family gatherings and my partner is fine with this. I would speak to your GF as she may not realise what this is doing for you and make it clear something needs to change and go from there

Do not uproot your whole life for a person who thinks it's OK for their family to mock you

When people show you when they are, pay attention

Teasing is gentle and not intended to hurt. OP said she is sensitive so I wanted to check before giving my input as teasing and mocking are two very different things. Teasing is something you do with people you like and feel comfortable with.