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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Humiliated by mil

162 replies

DustyD · 31/01/2025 23:32

I need some advice.
Been with Dp for one year, we are very happy. Tonight mil embarrassed me by revealing something to a kitchen full of people (family event) that we were talking about earlier in the day. She was making fun of me in a very bitchy way, very low and brutal without revealing it was me. The other guests were joining in and this revelation and it was all taken as a joke.

She then revealed where this person was from which was very obvious it was me ( I'm from a different area)

I was sitting there totally humiliated while everyone was laughing at my expense as if this was a big joke.
I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do?
She also agrees with me it was completely out of order and a very low blow, and will be talking to her Dm.

I'm considering ending the relationship because is this the family I want to be apart of ?

Aibu

OP posts:
ThisFluentBiscuit · 01/02/2025 02:19

I had a difficult MIL and his family weren't that nice, overall. I don't think I'd marry again if the family wasn't nice and I didn't have a fair bit in common with them. Who needs the stress.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2025 02:25

You are talking about getting married.....remember that you will not just be married to her, but her whole family.

WhateverEh · 01/02/2025 02:30

Trial not telling her anything personal and if quizzed say you’d rather chat about more interesting things. Redirect the chat, ask her questions.

RocketNan · 01/02/2025 02:32

You need to be more assertive and less sensitive: “joke” back, “oh hark at big ears over here!” type thing with a swipe. She needs training not to do it again.

Giggorata · 01/02/2025 02:33

This is you potentially moving away from any support and from your job, into what sounds like a hostile family group.
It rings alarm bells for me, as my first MIL didn't like me, and it showed more and more, despite her usual sweetly poisonous attitude towards me,
The rest of exH's weirdly clannish and closed family were also all horrible in varying degrees.
Leaving them behind was as much of a relief as leaving him.

I wouldn't move.

CatTV · 01/02/2025 02:41

I married a man who had a difficult mother - well, to me (and then his father eventually showed his true colours further down the line). It was so awful and the marriage ended - for many reasons but these pair played a huge part. I moved for him, changed a lot of my life etc etc.

I naively thought it would be ok, that my ex would stick up for me, support me etc. He didn't.

Now I'm not saying your DP will be anything like my ex and I'm not trying to me-rail or frighten you however, please take some time to think: some PPs have said the when you marry the person you marry the family and it's true.

Do you have to move? Can you find somewhere in the middle?

Pat888 · 01/02/2025 02:48

At least put off the move over there while you think about it more.

FuzzyGreenAlien · 01/02/2025 02:59

Early in our relationship, my now MIL said a very hurtful unjustified thing about me to DP and he foolishly repeated it to me.

We had a serious chat and he understood that he needed to stand up to her for me, even though he never had for himself. That this was potentially a dealbreaker for me.

It worked, boundaries were set, we never had a repeat and we all get along great. That was 30 years ago.

Your DP has the opportunity to show you where you stand. I hope it works out well.

WishinAndHopin · 01/02/2025 03:20

This will be on ongoing problem with your girlfriend's mum. One day, she could be your children's grandmother. She clearly doesn't like you and looks down on you, and is happy to publicly humiliate you. Write her off.

You're not over-reacting to see this as a major future problem on the brew. You're being sensible and logical.

Definitely do not move in with her, these people will be your new support system in a new area and you'll be stuck with them.

You will have to discuss with your girlfriend ways forward, but set firm boundaries first: you will not be moving in with her, and you will cease contact with her family, though she can continue seeing them on her own. Those are your terms if she wants to continue the relationship, and she'll have to think through what that means for the future and her own goals.

TwoToe · 01/02/2025 03:28

LAMPS1 · 01/02/2025 01:55

Halt your plans to move away from your own family to this family until this all gets sorted.
Your gf isn’t taking it anywhere near seriously enough and that is a real issue for your future happiness.
She should make it clear to her mum that what she did wasn’t acceptable.
You need a sincere apology from each of them and evidence that they have changed their ways before even thinking of living together.
Continue to stand up for yourself OP.
Don’t allow yourself to drift into a bad situation.

I came to say this - please don’t leave your friends and family at this time. You’ll be leaving your support network. Can your partner can move to be with you?

RawBloomers · 01/02/2025 03:38

Since it’s clear it was intended to be hurtful I think you’re right to be wary. Especially since your DP, though “angry” about how you were treated did not step-in in the moment and it would seem, no one else in the family was prepared to either.

I don’t know if breaking up is necessary, but I wouldn’t be moving away from your family/friends/support network to be with her near her family. Are there very big reasons why it’s you that’s intending moving rather than her?

MrsJHernandez · 01/02/2025 04:38

It sounds like your GF is on your side.

I would let her have it out with DM, and if things don't change, then reconsider the relationship. I wouldn't break it off just yet. But I also wouldn't be relocating right now either.

I wonder if the mother doesn't like that her daughter is gay, and is trying to get you to break up with her? Not that that would change the fact she's gay, but people do strange things sometimes.

Doloresparton · 01/02/2025 05:11

Don’t move away from your own family to be with someone who doesn’t have your back.
Your dp said ‘What can I do.’
She could have said
We’re leaving, come on Dusty, you don’t have to sit through this.
And you could have left.

Your dp may be angry with her dm but her dm felt comfortable enough to do this because she knows nothing will change with dd’s and her relationship.
I’m a mil, this behaviour would get me into big trouble with my dc, quite rightly.

You’ve only been together one year, slow everything down.

SpryCat · 01/02/2025 05:23

If this is what your Mil is like now she will get worse and no one will stand up to her and she knows it. Your gf will have a word with her but it won’t change anything because your Mil rules the roost. Don’t move away from your family and support because she will tear you in strips until you’re eradicated and you admit defeat.

Horses7 · 01/02/2025 05:30

Can’t your partner move near you instead? Sounds like trouble ahead.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 01/02/2025 05:33

@DustyD do you think your mil might be a bit homophobic? perhaps she is accepting of her daughter relationship on the surface only but deep down she does not approve of it and is taking it out on you.

Slobberchops1 · 01/02/2025 05:42

How you going to feel when this woman stands up and embarrasses you at your wedding or other significant event and your girlfriend lets her to do ?

nah don’t be moving in just yet , don’t let go of your independence

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 01/02/2025 05:53

My MIL is like this. She loves to put someone else down to make herself feel better or get a laugh. I put up with it for my husband's sake.

Codlingmoths · 01/02/2025 06:03

You do not have to accept ‘that’s just the way she is’, it’s a terrible response. It made you feel like shit, and that’s just the way you are, along with most other people who would feel the same, so what does your dp plan to do about that? ‘I can’t move to near you and see your mum more, she makes me feel like absolute shit and you just want to me go along with that which makes me feel even worse.’

MissHollysDolly · 01/02/2025 06:09

Without more detail it's hard to know if you're being oversenditive or not. From the two clues you've given "another part of the country" and "lifestyle choices" they could be northern and mocking you for wearing a coat outside like a soft southerner.

PicturePlace · 01/02/2025 06:11

I'm guessing this is about you being a vegetarian or vegan, based on what you've said. In my family, this would be seen as good-natured teasing.

WishinAndHopin · 01/02/2025 06:19

PicturePlace · 01/02/2025 06:11

I'm guessing this is about you being a vegetarian or vegan, based on what you've said. In my family, this would be seen as good-natured teasing.

She obviously didn’t perceive it to be good natured teasing - and neither did anyone else from what was written, especially the dad who checked if she was ok.

They were happily going along with sneering and judging some anonymous person then the big punchline was, it was actually OP.

By the way, it’s there’s nothing good natured about bullying someone for being vegetarian or vegan (though there’s nothing in the post to suggest this was OPs issue)

And it’s for the unwilling butt of jokes to decide what is the line between teasing and bullying.

Adamante · 01/02/2025 06:26

Never discuss anything with her again, cool politeness only. You know now you can’t confide in her, it will be used against you. I’d be tempted to ask her directly why she did it? Do you feel able to do that? See how she reacts. I don’t think I’d end the relationship just yet but I would certainly be putting long term plans on hold.

AlloftheTime · 01/02/2025 06:38

Please don’t relocate or even consider it atm. It is very soon to make such a change even if this hadn’t happened. Put your feelings and wellbeing first. Once you move you will less able to deal with a situation like this as you won’t have the options you have now. I’m sorry this happened to you - allow yourself whatever feelings arise then determine how to handle this with your partner.

SALaw · 01/02/2025 06:41

You don't live together, you live 2 hours apart, you've been together 1 year. Yes you are being unreasonable by calling this woman your mother in law.