Humiliated by mil

[DustyD]

I need some advice.
Been with Dp for one year, we are very happy. Tonight mil embarrassed me by revealing something to a kitchen full of people (family event) that we were talking about earlier in the day. She was making fun of me in a very bitchy way, very low and brutal without revealing it was me. The other guests were joining in and this revelation and it was all taken as a joke.

She then revealed where this person was from which was very obvious it was me ( I'm from a different area)

I was sitting there totally humiliated while everyone was laughing at my expense as if this was a big joke.
I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do?
She also agrees with me it was completely out of order and a very low blow, and will be talking to her Dm.

I'm considering ending the relationship because is this the family I want to be apart of ?

Aibu

Honestly, you need to ask yourself if your DP really is as supportive as you believe. She allowed you to be humiliated like that. Let that sink in. It might be her mum, but her mum is an adult who chooses to behave the way she does. Your dp is an adult who chose to allow this behaviour to continue - and you were TOLD by everyone else that you were to continue to tolerate it. “It’s just how she is” does not make it okay.

At this point in your relationship I would not be giving up my home, job and life for someone I had only known for a year, whose family treat me poorly and that my girlfriend allowed that to happen. Put the brakes on a bit and carry on as you are. I’d also be saying that in the future, if my girlfriend was not openly supportive in these type of situations then we would be over. She needs to prove herself as it won’t get any better.

My tactic with a mocking mother was to get up and go to the loo , if it was at a party just walk off . That would have broken her momentum.

My MIL is vile but my DP is amazing, it’s not your partners fault, discuss with them. Also I would just be thinking up yours to them!!! Don’t let her make you feel bad or throw away something positive. I had a lot of digs from DPs friends and family about being a smoking northerner but we do live 250 miles away from them so I know I would feel differently if we lived closer. If you’re so happy though dont throw it away. Me and my partner were very long distance, 250 miles but we decided to both move somewhere new together. We now have a baby, house and dog and are super happy, and only have to see MIL every few months.

Echoing other PP’s, you need to calm down with the moving your entire life to be with your girlfriend. It’s only been a year.

IME this is quite typical ‘fast’ behaviour seen in lesbian relationships, where everything moves really quickly into serious / living together after 5 mins territory.

This woman is not your MIL, you are not married and not (yet!) living together. Given the long distance, you don’t actually know your girlfriend or her family as well as you think you do.

This situation has disaster written all over it..

DH and I were in a LDR. He was keen to live together but there was no way I was moving to where he lived. We both moved to a third area.

OP, by moving to where she is you’re moving to her world. Her family. Her life. And giving up a big part of yours. If this is how her family behave, you’re going to have to learn to love it, because they won’t change, she won’t defend you and when it goes tits up, you’re going to be the one on your own while she carries on.

They’ve shown you who they are. Don’t ignore it.

She must be able to work elsewhere. There are almost no jobs that are completely tied to one town.

Grey Rock this woman in future . Tell her nothing . The fact that this woman's husband checked with you later that you were ok shows her behaviour was unacceptable.

Your Girlfriend needs to have your back and you need to present a united front as you will become more and more resentful if your Girlfriend doesn't .

I think before you move in you need a cards on the table discussion where you both lay down your expectations.

You don't know anyone properly until you have lived with them , so form a backup plan / fund too before you move in .

This woman sounds toxic. See her as little as possible!

Dp family comes as a package deal, ( very close family)

This is a red flag to me. It's a sign your partner will never put you first or challenge the family status quo. Unless you are prepared to be subsumed into their family and not have a voice, you will always be the outsider and expected to do things their way. Take this incident as a sign of what the future could hold.

Like others have said DO NOT move to her town and give up your life., leaving you lonely and vulnerable without support of friends close by. Leave things as they are and see how it pans out over time (you are rushing tings- why?), or suggest you both move somewhere new together and limit contact with her family.

I'm betting she'll say no to a fresh start as she is too entwined with her family to imagine being separate from them physically or emotionally. Whereas it's a normal part of developing as an adult to become an independent person in your right and as you form your own relationships outside of the family unit. Your partner can't do that yet (and may never be able to).

Having read your post about your lifestyle choices, I agree that it was humiliating. It was either thoughtless at best, or deliberate at worst. Honestly, you've only been with your gf for a year. So yes, it it's going to cause problems, walk away now.

“Very close family” to me screams a toxic group of people led my either the Mother or Father who do not understand boundaries. Families like this seem to be enmeshed in their own world full of dramas and tears. Run away OP.

I wonder if mil thought it was teasing but just went too far. What happens now is whether she tones it down after dp speaks to her (and I assumed fil will too?)

Make it clear to dp that this could be a deal breaker and that she changes her mothers behaviour or you won’t be involved in family gatherings, as it’s unacceptable. Don’t move until things get better. You need to set boundaries now if this relationship is going to work.

Living together is completely different to a long distance relationship.

Don't rush this. Move in. See how boundaries lie with her family.

If you have a life time together to look forward to, there is no rush to get married.

@DustyD

i know that single sex relationships (women) move at the speed of light, go from hiya, to moving In within nanoseconds, but the consequences of this are exactly where you are atm.

You ARE rethinking the whole relationship because you absolutely should be.

I don’t know if you have had any experience in heterosexual relationships but the advice IS relevant for both.

You DONT know this woman. She doesn’t know you either. You’re not partners, you’re girlfriends, this phase of your relationship is the EARLY days of seeing if you’re compatible for the long haul.

i learned (the hard way) that until you’ve got past a year, it’s not really even that big a deal. That it can end if it needs to without any issues at all

i think you need to end this now, because you’re not willing to put up with this potential in-law situation knowing that your gf won’t step up for you.

your gut is telling you to do this. Never ignore that.

life is hard enough in any relationship, harder in a same sex relationship and you need the whole family to be happy and supportive of you.

I doubt it. Bullies are quite equal opportunity. Anyone they perceive as weak is fair game.

Depends doesn't it. Could be harmless teasing or she could be making out she's less sophisticated than the others. We'd need a video tape!
But it is annoying that OP won't say what it was about.

I don't agree that she sounds immature. Spending time with the in-laws all the time one year in would not be for me, but I understand that some families are different. If her gf has a close family she may need to spend time with them and the funeral thing couldn't actually be postponed, could it?

This. If your GF is so worried about you having enough then she needs to step up. She tells her mum not to mock or disrespect her partner in future or she will be cutting down on how often you both see her. Do not move or marry someone who doesn't stand up for you, raise your bar.

As others have said, this lady is not your MIL. It’s rather rude and disrespectful towards her for you to continue to call her that. It doesn’t matter what your future intentions are, where you’re at currently etc., this lady is your ‘potential future MIL’. You do not have a MIL.

Why have you then referred to your DPs Dad as ‘girlfriends father’. By your mindset wouldn’t it be FIL? I think you have pulled yourself into an illusion of ‘MIL drama’, which you do not have. Now is a good time for you to seriously consider if you and your relationship can manage a lifetime of incidents such as this, being mindful that you may unintentionally cause a spilt between your partner and her mother.

I am thinking she was making fun of you to break you because you have 'taken' her daughter. Well, you could have spoken up, too, saying something like 'Go on, all that's missing is my name...'. I would have./ Always call people's bluffs, so they'll know not to mess with you next time. Your girlfriend will speak to her ma privately - but the ma made the joke in public. It does not sit well with me.

Ignoring the nasty comments from the MIL for a moment, I’d be far more concerned that your DP didn’t intervene and ask her to stop.

If your partner won’t stand up to their own mum, you’ve potentially got a lifetime of your partner minimising other people’s unpleasantness.

This is a deal breaker. If you can’t count on their support, then it’s not the basis for a long lasting happy relationship.

Your dp is a coward who will always put her nasty mum over you. Do NOT leave your job and home and family to move two hours away to her.

What happens if you have kids? She will say you can never move back to your family if you split.

I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do?

There would have been no need to make a scene your DP could and should have spoken up there and then, even if to say the old adage, 'if you have nothing nice to say'....

I just don't know if I would want to go through the "critical and harshness" that I know mil can show and her different views
I also don't want to feel resentment towards my Dp as I know she lets mil get away with a lot

The dating years of a relationship are exactly the times that will define what your relationship will be like going forward, red flags and such...you're already questioning it therefore you'll either have to tell your DP mother to keep her criticism to herself, tell DP that you'll never be in her DM's company again or resign yourself to your DP's mother being critical of you, at least your in control of that right now.

I just want reassurance that I'm not being ott even know my feelings have been hurt a lot and I am just completely humiliated.

MNers can give you all the reassurance you ask for but it's never going to solve, or stop the criticism, quite frankly the woman sounds awful and I'll never understand why anyone feels they have to belittle anyone, more so in such a public way.

No it was definitely mocking, Dp was very angry afterwards and said it was uncalled for and she shouldn't have done it.

Yet she never says anything to her DM, you're not the one she should be telling "she shouldn't have done it" to, you already know that....she need to say those words to her DM.

Yet despite you saying.

our relationship has moved quickly cause we have to put extra work in to make it work.

Yet its not working is it?
You have a DP that doesn't speak up about your feelings in how badly her DM treats you, why is this, incase she upsets her DM.

That's not really the foundations of a good relationship let alone a marriage.
But at least you'll be going in with your eyes open if you choose to proceed.

You were hurt you felt humiliated. Your DP needs to tell this woman quite clearly that she was out of line. And there must be a genuine apology. To say this is just the way she is is pathetic.

So they all have a similar lifestyle & they poke fun at someone who doesn't?

Can't think why you'd consider moving near them at all.

My worry would be that after time your partner begins to agree/see their pov.