Humiliated by mil

[DustyD]

I need some advice.
Been with Dp for one year, we are very happy. Tonight mil embarrassed me by revealing something to a kitchen full of people (family event) that we were talking about earlier in the day. She was making fun of me in a very bitchy way, very low and brutal without revealing it was me. The other guests were joining in and this revelation and it was all taken as a joke.

She then revealed where this person was from which was very obvious it was me ( I'm from a different area)

I was sitting there totally humiliated while everyone was laughing at my expense as if this was a big joke.
I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do?
She also agrees with me it was completely out of order and a very low blow, and will be talking to her Dm.

I'm considering ending the relationship because is this the family I want to be apart of ?

Aibu

If your DP doesn't have your back now then it's not an equal partnership and it's not working. Find someone else who is proud of you, loves and supports you, and throw this one back.

Ok, I recommend continue dating but don’t get married yet.
The mum clearly doesn’t like you or sees you as an easy target and so she’s cruel to you
Of note, your partner didn’t intervene, didn’t interject to deflect and take the heat off you. I know this is uncomfortable, but does she have your back? Or is she prioritising her family or is she minimising it (it was a joke etc)

I think it’s all a bit intense and fast - why do you have to relocate? Is there is a mid point location yiu both move to and rent?

Another who thinks you're rushing everything. It's your girlfriend of a year, all the time with her family seems unnecessary. And the fact you have decided propose this year doesn't make her mum your MIL.

Has your girlfriend spent equal time in your world, with your friends and family, or has it been you going to her all the time? What effort has she been making and does she fit in with your network and interests?

If you move, would you still be going back to see friends and family, or would it just be the expected thing that you spend all your time with her family?

You risk losing such a lot. You are making all the effort and you may still always feeling like the odd one out.

This woman, who you call your mother in law, is devious, nasty and probably a racist. To speak about you like that, and within your hearing, may well be slanderous in the law.

If your girlfriend didn't support you or challenge her vile mother, I suggest you get out of the relationship. It may be tough but will be for the best in the long term. Good luck :-)

I also don't want to feel resentment towards my Dp as I know she lets mil get away with a lot Kaboom! There’s your long term problem

Her mum will always be queen and you’re just the girlfriend

For it to work and you both be equal the girlfriend needs to not tolerate or ignore or let her mum get away with mean and undermining comments

Frankly, I think it’s all a big bit fucked unless your partner starts to push back and stand up to her mum. I mean if it’s like this a year in, unlikely to change. You’re the one making all the sacrifices and giving stuff up

Dont propose yet, Have a frank discussion, challenge why does she let her mum get away with stuff and by stuff you mean being unkind and belittling you

I'm worried about resentment towards my Dp as this is just "that's the way dm is" and to just accept it's who she is

Very wise of you to be rethinking the proposal, OP; as so often this sounds more like a partner problem than one with their mum

You need to confront her face to face, tell her you’re shocked and upset by her behaviour and ask why she did that and what she was getting out of it. Really call her out and make her answer. If you can’t do this, she’ll mark you down as an easy target that doesn’t retaliate and you’ll get more of it.

YANBU. Get out.

Whatever the full content of the mocking (although I can see you have tried to add some details) it was bad enough that separately your dp was angry about it and her husband (dp dad) asked if you were ok after witnessing the behaviour from the mother.

that says to me it was actually worse than even what you are trying to convey in this thread.

I know you like/love her but my feeling is it’s only been a year and if it was me in this situation I think I’d take the hit of heartbreak and pull out now because life is long, there is plenty of time to find someone else but it’s too short to have this forever but
if you decide to stay with your partner then my suggestion is when or if you move in together that she is the one that moves to you and not the other way round. If you set up a life with this person near that family this incident is the taste of what life will be like and I don’t know about you but no way would that be a life I would choose.

You can think it will be different but the truth is both of them acknowledged to you in private but actually did nothing about it so that shows you the picture of the dynamics of this family. It will be like this forever and once/if children come along it will be them against you.

goodluck @DustyD

It doesn't sound that bad, I thought you meant it was something to do with your sexuality or relationship or personality or something.

If they want to feel superior because they don't have a weekend takeaway then leave them to their miserable kale, it's clearly not making them happy.

Really? Her partner didn’t speak up or seek to deflect the comments
Partner dad had to check in that dusty was ok. He clearly got the vibe
This is so much more than teasing about a takeaway. It’s not good natured and the girlfriend doesn’t seem to have Dusty back
The comments were quite literally her behaviour and personality …oh look at her eating her shop bought takeaway and smoking whilst us sporty types look on aghast

It's a red flag for your girlfriend as well as her family lm afraid. My ex husband wouldn't stand up for me against his mother, it's not the only reason we are divorced but it's one of the biggest!

Why so fast paced? Couldn’t you slow down on the proposal. If you stay together you really need to give this relationship more time before making such life changing decisions as a proposal. The relationship already has issues that need sorting.

I could understand if she’s on a wind up about your smoking, particularly if your gf’s family is sporty, but sitting taking her being rude is foolish, as is your gf for not immediately putting a stop to it. Do you really want this woman in your life on a permanent basis? I think a year is a bit quick to decide you’re moving areas.

So were they making fun of the fact you smoke and occasionally have take away?

I mean theres nothing wrong with take away at the weekend. Is this possibly you felt they were insulting your weight? Or were you taking something from it because it's something you feel self conscious about.

This is a hard one cause without knowing them, it could be you are being sensitive and that's just the way this family is. I dont know how they can make fun of smoking but tbf it's a pretty disgusting dangerous habit and whilst I wouldnt actually make fun of you I would judge. I'd wonder why someone is doing something so damaging to their body by choice.

Could it be your partner was annoyed but also thinks you might just be being a bit sensitive- your feelings are 100% valid btw I'm just saying that some families are much more open about stuff like this.

Your MIL is a piece of work, @DustyD and I wouldn't go anywhere near her again. I'm afraid I don't buy all the posters saying that if your partner had stuck up for you, it would have made it more obvious it was you. It was obvious it was you. I think it's a red flag that your partner didn't tell her mum to STFU there and then. Do you think she struggles to stand up to her in general? If you think it's out of character for your partner, then tell her how disappointed you are and talk to her about future expectations. If you think this is how she is, you should consider ending the relationship.

So what did she say about smoking and eating crap food then?

Putting your MIL to one side for a moment, having a sporty partner when you are not sporty yourself can be quite lonely.

MN is full of unhappy and disappointed golf widows who expected their partner to change after marriage or after the arrival of DC. Ditto football widows, gym widows, triathlon widows, marathon/ultra runner widows, rugby widows etc.

Heavy training schedules, fixtures and the social side of belonging to a team or club can eat into evenings, weekends and finances causing resentment.

I don’t want to put you off moving in, but it isn’t something I would underestimate when choosing a partner, particularly if you plan to have children.

pertinent well observed points

Another vote for get out.

”what can I do?” Show you very clearly where your DP loyalties lies. You can’t say that it is out of order and not defend your partner attacked.

Your DP has work to do before being in any relationship.

Good luck op 🌺

You are not being unreasonable and don't worry, I'm sure you haven't overreacted or been too sensitive. Sadly, some families are just like this.

My now husband noticed very early on that my family (especially my mother!) were like that. They're the type of people that will say you "can't take a joke" or are "miserable" it's gaslighting at its finest and is unacceptable. I was too scared to stand up to them back then. It took me until I was aged 40 to finally say "No" to my mother. She didn't like it and immediately went into attack mode, blaming my husband for it all but lacked the ability to take any responsibility for her own actions.

We're now no contact with my mother.... and I'm still happily married!

My advice would be not blame your partner for it, they could have been too scared to speak up in the moment. (I'm very grateful my husband could see I was different to them and supported me). The deal breaker for me would be how your partner supports you going forward.

@DustyD - huge apologies in advance if already been asked/answered/ mentioned as I’m going to read properly when back

But do you sense that your future MIL is ‘set in her ways’ and she’s mocking as a self projection almost as she’s got some backward screwed ‘feelings’ / ‘old fashioned’ / ‘narrow mindedness’ / ‘small town mentality- you catch my drift … with SS relationships?

Only I don’t want to ask you to say what her mean ‘joke’ was about as you’d have said in upthread by now so I’d never be so rude to ask so can only go by sheer guess work and I’m thinking is she doing a ‘self projection’ twisted thing (?) have you ever picked up any signs from your OH in the past about her DM? Like is she a warm open minded kind of mum normally or is she always aloof and rude? if the latter then it sounds like it’s a ‘her problem’ and NOTHING actually to do with you or your Oh her own DD! She definitely sounds like she has issues and she is old enough to clearly know better and to learn some manners

Next time she tries such a thing on you
please wait for her to finish and wait for a second of silence so everyone will hear you loud and clear and say ‘Sorry Gertrude ! I didn’t quite get that /hear that! Could you kindly REPEAT what you just said i’d hate to miss out on such a FUNNY joke!

to put (a potential bully) on the spot like this completely throws them as you’ve parked that tank straight back into her lawn and she will NOT be expecting that!

Then I guarantee you she won’t repeat the mean comment/s in the same snarky tone she’ll almost go sheepish and quiet and nearly trip over her words and then everyone will just look down and then you say ‘oh I’m glad it wasn’t funny! would hate to have missed out on one of your funny old jokes Gertrude!’

Nd then give her. big smile. Kill her with KINDNESS & SARCASM. She’ll hate it. Always be crystal clear and polite and smiley but assertive

Try not to let it come between you and your lovely OH .. she may too have had years of dealing with her mum and she’s too polite and loyal to have explained this to you yet or maybe it could be her ‘normal’ which over time she’ll realise it’s not ok

Talk to your Dp and try to not let her get to you. If she was a genuine kind and happy lady she’d NEVER be rude to her daughter’s partner! So try and almost pity her

Good luck OP and remember your WORTH x

This happened to me with DH sister, with whom he is very close. She had been belittling me to their family for a while and I ran out of patience at one family event and snapped back. She went NC with us, created a huge drama within their family circle and this caused my DP great sadness. He agreed she was completely out of line and asked her to apologise, but she refused.
If DH had not created an environment that enabled his sister's behaviour, this incident would never have occurred.
You are absolutely doing the right thing questioning your relationship.
It sounds like your DP and the whole family have been enabling your MILs mean behaviour. I would never behave the way she has behaved and the fact that their family (except your DP) all seem to think it's ok says a lot about them. You really don't want to be part of this family circle for the sake of your own well-being. Have they even recognised her behaviour was mean and hurtful?

I would be very wary about giving up your own family/friendship circles never mind home and job in this situation. If you don’t like her family and they don’t like you it will be very isolating not to mention distressing as you have discovered.

before you do this I suggest your partner should move to be with you that way if it doesn’t work out you have not given anything up. You also need distance from her family.

I wasn’t close to my PIL but we always had geographic distance but I do look back and wish I had in-laws I was closer to relationship wise.

Tough one. My MIL is a wicked, nasty woman. I cut contact but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t still cause problems. I resent my partner so much for never defending it protecting me. However we are now almost 9 years and 2 kids in. Had I known how she was going to make me feel I probably would have left early doors to be honest. Maybe treat this as a one off, see if she speaks to her mum and see the outcome. Any recurring behaviours I’d be out.