Would you have your kids again?

[Flowers665]

I don't have any and I don't know if I want any. I like having my nephew or neice for the day but I am EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and happy to hand them back. I can find it hard to fill the time with them. Also always really look forward to going back to having time to myself. I don't know if people will be honest but if you could go back would you have kids? I love being able to be selfish, spend all my time and money on myself.

Don’t do it, OP. You’ve got to really want them. There is so much more to life than having children. Enjoy your freedom. Travel. Explore.

(Just my opinion!)

Want to add - if you're on the fence about having them there is a subreddit dedicated to this specific issue.

I think the question you need to ask is : is what kids give you worth it to you ?

Also, I can assure you that other people's kids really isn't the same. Even when they're nieces and nephews. As an exemple, I'm with my eldest two in an amusement park right now. I love my nephews to bits but if I was with them I'd probably be a bit bored right now. Seeing a smile on my own kids' face is completely different.

Yes but not all of them.

I think this is a really hard question to answer because of course most people absolutely love their children and can’t imagine their life without their children. That’s how I feel as well. They are the absolute light of my life and I love them so so much. But it took us a long time to have our first and I was so depressed at the idea of a life without children when it didn’t look like it might happen for us, but now that I have them if I was being honest I think life would have been ok without them. It’s completely possible to live a happy complete life without children. I can’t imagine my life without my children but if some one had shown me what life is really like, having years of sleeplessness, endless tantrums, an endless loop of cooking for it to be thrown on the floor, constant battles to just get out the door, the bedtime battles, the constant non stop worrying at every stage, barely ever having a minute to myself, being unable to get dressed without a child at my legs maybe I would have chosen another path.

Yes, absolutely the best thing I have ever done . I had three under the age of 5 and I really miss them being young now they are late teenagers .

I think you are asking the wrong question OP, its very hard to wish away the people you love, especially your own children! However if I had know how hard it would be, how much of myself I would have to give up and for how long then I am not sure I would have had children. I love them so much but it is so much time, money, energy, emotional labour, domestic drudgery over and over and over for years, decades even. You never stop worrying about them and if they are unhappy then often you will be unhappy as well and if you have multiple children that's a lot of chances to be unhappy even if things are mostly ok with them someone will not get a much hoped for job or will go through a break up potentially worse.

I think as well these days its like your children are dependent on you so much longer than they were in the past even in their 30's they need or may need financial and emotional support. I read several years ago that if you have a child now you need to start saving not only for their university costs but also for a house deposit for the and also for their retirement! Then there are all the costs of raising them and its a struggle for me to even save for my own retirement!

They are older now but still need me and I am getting old myself, all the things I thought I might do when they were up and away are slipping out of reach for me. I feel like I have aged so badly, my closest friend is my age and childfree and she still looks like a post grad student in her late 20's. I just never had much time or money to look after myself properly.

I am an introvert and I did and do struggle with the constant need to be available to them, it has hollowed me out to be honest. I was once this whole other person with a rich inner life and my creative work and now I'm just a mum.

No one needs to have children if they don't want to, but I have travelled and explored with them.
Travel and children are not exclusive.

Yes, absolutely. Ours is a toddler and honestly he's my favourite person. If I could go back to the start and re-live the whole experience from his birth onwards I would.

I had mine at a young age......I had 2 kids and a mortgage by the time I was 19.

On the one hand having my first gave me a boot up the arse.....I wouldn't have got on the property ladder at such a young age otherwise and I've benefitted hugely from that. We bought when houses were a lot cheaper, just before the prices got silly.

On the other hand I never got to be a kid, I've never known anything other than responsibility and I think the dc suffered as a result. I wasn't ready or mentally equipped to be a parent. Both dc have disabilities, I was barely 20 and fighting to be heard and have my concerns taken seriously. And looking back it was fucking hard and a lot to cope with. I mourn the kid I never got to be. I don't really know who I am as an adult as I've always had this attachment added onto me.

That said I love the bones of them. And if there was. Choice of having them then or never having them at all I'd pick that life allover again. Even walking in knowing how hard it was going to be.

Yes, of course. I don’t know how anyone can say otherwise

Nope

@PeanutPies I couldn't agree more. It's hard to really grasp how relentless and mundane the days are until you're in it. Society doesn't accept that you can love your child but dislike parenthood. I personally applaud the OP for recognising that motherhood may not be for her and it really is ok.

I would absolutely have my DD again, she's the best thing to happen to me but I do wish I could of have my DD earlier. Didn't meet my DH until I was 29, married at 33, pregnant at 34 and gave birth at 35 and my DH was almost 40. If we were younger we'd have a second child but we're both exhausted with the one so we're one and done which I feel slightly guilty about as I'm close to my own siblings.

Empty and depressing? What a load of nonsense.

It’s so fucking hard as we both work FT and have zero family support. I wish I could just be spontaneous and come home and not have to do anything. They are also hard work with attitudes and dealing with school etc…

However, I’d still have them again! We are a tribe and I’d die if they weren’t around.

Definitely. I think people on munsnet exaggerate how difficult it is.

I would but then I would honestly say that ever since I was a child I dreamed of nothing else than being a mother and I absolutely love it. I also really love being around kids generally and always have, I find them refreshing and interesting and funny etc.

I see so many people on here moaning about eg having their kids home all the time in school holidays and I don’t recognise it, that’s my favourite time of year and I would absolutely have loved to be a stay at home mum and even home school if I’d have had the chance in life (sadly I have to work!)

I always thought most people felt like me. But over time with more women feeling able to speak frankly about how they really feel about motherhood, I’ve realised that I am probably in the minority to genuinely and wholeheartedly just love being a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my idea of fun is waking up at 3am to a child who has vomited all over the bed when they’re ill etc but nothing is brilliant 100 percent of the time 🤣 I’m still not sure that even the mums who hate the school holidays etc would actually want to go back and change being a mother though.

I would definitely pause to consider it if you’re the sort of person who doesn’t have an overwhelming urge to be a mum and struggles to fill the time with nieces and nephews, although as someone else pointed out it all feels very different when it’s your own child and it’s not a completely comparable experience. I’d also say that everyone always focuses on the first few years and how sleep deprived you are etc but it’s only a tiny part of their lives and it’s likely you’ll also have decades of knowing them as adults etc.

My four are all grown up and away from me, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I had a very busy time with them, but the bad times are outweighed a thousand times by how lovely they all were, and still are.

Yes, 100%. I wish they had slept better when they were babies - DH and I seem to produce a fairly sleepless model of baby - and I was regularly shattered in the baby years. But it has been a breeze in comparison ever since and I wouldn't change a thing.

No I wouldn't, several generations of autism in family

Now 3 of mine have autism , / learning difficulties.

Yes, without a second’s hesitation. But I have one child (wish we could have had more), she’s 4.5 - healthy, happy and thriving and whilst she’s very full on she’s generally a really good kid. I can’t imagine my answer would ever change, but I’m aware there’s plenty of challenges to come.

She was also very much wanted by both of us though. We definitely wanted to be parents. In your case, you don’t seem to want that - or don’t seem convinced - and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Yes, but earlier so that I could have more.

This is so beautifully put. I agree with this wholeheartedly. Mine are all grown up now, and I love them more than anyone in the world... but we have never had an easy life, and the never ending worry is really hard.

Yes, my daughter is without a doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love being her mother.

With a big caveat that I'm only 8 months in, I agree with this. It took us 3 years to conceive and in that time I did a lot of reading here, all sorts of threads but primarily pregnancy and parenting. By the time my DS was born I was so convinced that the first 6 months were going to be a living hell that I can't quite believe how much I loved every minute of them. I'd do the last 8 months over and over for the rest of my life.

Of course I've still got the toddler years to come...