Page 14 | Would you have your kids again?

Flowers665 · 2025-01-31T20:26:27+00:00

I don't have any and I don't know if I want any. I like having my nephew or neice for the day but I am EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and happy to hand them back. I can find it hard to fill the time with them. Also always really look forward to going back to having time to myself. I don't know if people will be honest but if you could go back would you have kids? I love being able to be selfish, spend all my time and money on myself.

AliTheMinx · 01/02/2025 20:52

Yes. I had my son when I was 33 and he is wonderful. He has always had a sunny nature and we are very close. I have been very lucky, as he is happy, friendly and bright. He loves school and has a close group of trusted friends, so life to date has been fairly easy. He's great company. He'd 13 now so I'm bracing myself for teenage years, but am so thankful to be his.mum. He has really fulfilled my life and fills me with joy and pride.

AliTheMinx · 01/02/2025 21:01

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 16:45

I also think this isn’t said enough. Too many people have this odd idea that having a child means having children in the plural. It doesn’t have to. Certainly having one child by choice has made parenthood much more manageable and enjoyable.

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I absolutely agree with this. I'm an only child and my son is an only child (by choice), so I feel like this has enabled me to cope - once I got over the first few crazy months! I loved being an only child and having my parents' full attention, and I am able to provide this for my son.

Londonrach1 · 01/02/2025 21:03

Yes and earlier so can have two rather than one...dh agrees but at the time we were in the rent trap and sofa surfing...one healthy happy child is amazing .I feel so lucky.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/02/2025 21:10

@Cornflakes44 I remember posting a similar response on thread's many times when mine were little.
Now 16 and 10, it has been worthwhile.
Hang in there. 💐

Praying4Peace · 01/02/2025 22:17

AliTheMinx · 01/02/2025 21:01

I absolutely agree with this. I'm an only child and my son is an only child (by choice), so I feel like this has enabled me to cope - once I got over the first few crazy months! I loved being an only child and having my parents' full attention, and I am able to provide this for my son.

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But there are distinct advantages to having siblings too. My life has been enriched immensely by having my siblings in it

farmlife2 · 01/02/2025 22:25

Seeingred70 · 01/02/2025 15:57

I’m so sorry. I’m in the middle of this now - heartbreaking. Sending love and solidarity x

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I'm sorry you are going through that. I hope the prognosis for your child is better than mine was.

For me, it was absolutely worth having them. Knowing them, having time with them. It's just in the bigger picture I do wonder if, with knowledge of what was to come, it would be the less selfish thing to not choose it for everyone else.

morningtoncrescent62 · 01/02/2025 23:01

Flowers665 · 01/02/2025 17:58

Yeah, please don't pressurise your kids to have kids. I LOVE that my parents don't.

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I wouldn't dream of pressurising my DDs to have kids. Their lives, their choices. I'd love to have grandchildren, but not as much as I want both of my daughters to live the lives they want to live, as happily as they can, and it's for them to decide whether having children is right for them.

StrikeAlways · 01/02/2025 23:20

BruFord · 01/02/2025 20:35

@Cornflakes44 I have older teens (19 and 16) and would say that it does get better, I’ve honestly forgotten about nappies and broken nights now. My two are fun, interesting people and with luck, we’ll enjoy each other’s company as adults for many decades.

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It doesn’t always though does it? My kids were adorable when they were little, but he’ll on wheels as teenagers.

Motomum23 · 01/02/2025 23:27

Yes. I have 4 and its hard work but yes every day they each make me smile in their own unique way. I wouldn't change them for all the gold in China.

BruFord · 01/02/2025 23:39

StrikeAlways · 01/02/2025 23:20

It doesn’t always though does it? My kids were adorable when they were little, but he’ll on wheels as teenagers.

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Sorry to hear that, @StrikeAlways.
I found 13-15 tough but 16 seemed to be the turning point for my two, they both suddenly matured and realized that they were responsible for their own futures. Of course they still need plenty of support, emotional and financial!

I hope yours are out of the difficult phase soon. 💐

Enko · 01/02/2025 23:41

Over and over my children are the biggest joy in my life. Spend today with dd2 ds and his girlfriend and I feel happy and contented with my life.

StrikeAlways · 02/02/2025 00:17

BruFord · 01/02/2025 23:39

Sorry to hear that, @StrikeAlways.
I found 13-15 tough but 16 seemed to be the turning point for my two, they both suddenly matured and realized that they were responsible for their own futures. Of course they still need plenty of support, emotional and financial!

I hope yours are out of the difficult phase soon. 💐

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The youngest is now in her 40s now, but only came out of it in recent years 😳

Marine30 · 02/02/2025 00:18

Yes, in a heartbeat.

Yalta · 02/02/2025 04:02

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 16:45

I also think this isn’t said enough. Too many people have this odd idea that having a child means having children in the plural. It doesn’t have to. Certainly having one child by choice has made parenthood much more manageable and enjoyable.

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Depends. I was an only child for a lot of my childhood and I hated it. It was an incredibly lonely existence and one I would never have knowingly bestowed on a child. We started actively trying for a second within a few months of dd being born.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 02/02/2025 07:56

They’re the best thing that ever happened to us!

AliTheMinx · 02/02/2025 08:11

Praying4Peace · 01/02/2025 22:17

But there are distinct advantages to having siblings too. My life has been enriched immensely by having my siblings in it

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Yes. I completely understand that, and as a happy only child, I can see the pros and cons on both sides. There is sometimes such a stigma about choosing to have just one child, but for my family I truly believe it was the right decision taking all factors (my age, financial position, etc) into account. I also had a very traumatic birth, so having another was out of the question. I can see the benefits of siblings as well - but it just wasn't for me, and having just one has enabled me to always be there for DS.

Patterncarmen · 02/02/2025 09:01

AliTheMinx · 02/02/2025 08:11

Yes. I completely understand that, and as a happy only child, I can see the pros and cons on both sides. There is sometimes such a stigma about choosing to have just one child, but for my family I truly believe it was the right decision taking all factors (my age, financial position, etc) into account. I also had a very traumatic birth, so having another was out of the question. I can see the benefits of siblings as well - but it just wasn't for me, and having just one has enabled me to always be there for DS.

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DH is an only child, and he had a very happy childhood. His grandparents lived with his parents, so he was surrounded by family in a small village and had loads of friends…he is still in touch with a few of them. You don’t need a sibling, just love and attention really.

I had a sibling, and my childhood was not nearly as happy…parent was chronically ill, so there are a mixture of factors.

And neither one of us wanted kids, so that is the peril of anecdotal evidence!

Patterncarmen · 02/02/2025 09:12

ThisFluentBiscuit · 31/01/2025 23:32

I'm post-menopausal, and I'm someone who opted out, after being very conflicted for years and desperately worried that I would regret not having kids. But I couldn't deny that the work, worry, and expense of it all sounded very unappealing, even though I could also see the benefits of having kids. My husband felt very similar. Ultimately, we decided that it's best to regret NOT having kids than regret having them.

Several posters have mentioned loneliness and a lack of meaning without kids. One said that life would be very solitary, another said that going to other countries would be a bit meh without kids, etc. I'd like to discuss these points.

Well, they're not wrong. Even someone like me, who is very happy with their own company and who really didn't like the idea of the domestic load that comes with kids, it IS a bit lonely not to have them. Even when I was still married, sometimes we'd go away on our own and it did seem a bit empty without kids. Also, as an adult, life is more solitary if you don't have the built-in bustle and noise of having kids in the house.

But. For all that, I think it was the right decision. I still wouldn't want to take on all the work, worry, and expense, and I think if you're not young enough to be living at home with your parents, or if you are not a parent yourself with children living in the house - in other words, you're not living in a family unit - life IS a bit lonely.

One thing that not having kids has given me is the time and focus to look outwards, to really see the other people in my life, to volunteer, to look at the world around me and to wonder at it and take pleasure in its parts that aren't to do with family. It's such a beautiful world and there are so many ways to live your life. If you don't have built-in companions in the shape of a family, you do have to work harder to find meaning, but it can be done, and a life lived on your own terms is meaningful in itself and can be its own joy.

Edited

Thank you for this thoughtful post. I don’t have kids, but I always had a purpose…I am a writer and retired academic and creating books and articles has been very fulfilling for me….being alone to do this had never bothered me as my personality is more introverted. Solitude is really lovely, particularly after a career teaching university students! There is always something to do/create or to think about, and I’ve volunteered my time. The lack of financial pressure to provide for children has always been very welcome. DH and I feel very fortunate.

Patterncarmen · 02/02/2025 09:13

Seeingred70 · 01/02/2025 15:57

I’m so sorry. I’m in the middle of this now - heartbreaking. Sending love and solidarity x

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Ah, sending good thoughts to both of you. I’m surely sorry.

ObelixtheGaul · 02/02/2025 10:30

ThisFluentBiscuit · 31/01/2025 23:32

I'm post-menopausal, and I'm someone who opted out, after being very conflicted for years and desperately worried that I would regret not having kids. But I couldn't deny that the work, worry, and expense of it all sounded very unappealing, even though I could also see the benefits of having kids. My husband felt very similar. Ultimately, we decided that it's best to regret NOT having kids than regret having them.

Several posters have mentioned loneliness and a lack of meaning without kids. One said that life would be very solitary, another said that going to other countries would be a bit meh without kids, etc. I'd like to discuss these points.

Well, they're not wrong. Even someone like me, who is very happy with their own company and who really didn't like the idea of the domestic load that comes with kids, it IS a bit lonely not to have them. Even when I was still married, sometimes we'd go away on our own and it did seem a bit empty without kids. Also, as an adult, life is more solitary if you don't have the built-in bustle and noise of having kids in the house.

But. For all that, I think it was the right decision. I still wouldn't want to take on all the work, worry, and expense, and I think if you're not young enough to be living at home with your parents, or if you are not a parent yourself with children living in the house - in other words, you're not living in a family unit - life IS a bit lonely.

One thing that not having kids has given me is the time and focus to look outwards, to really see the other people in my life, to volunteer, to look at the world around me and to wonder at it and take pleasure in its parts that aren't to do with family. It's such a beautiful world and there are so many ways to live your life. If you don't have built-in companions in the shape of a family, you do have to work harder to find meaning, but it can be done, and a life lived on your own terms is meaningful in itself and can be its own joy.

Edited

I'm sort of similar to you except older and still very much married. I would question the loneliness aspect, only because children aren't a guarantee that won't happen. There are threads on here about parents of young children at home battling loneliness and IRL I have known people with adult children who rarely see them because they live far apart. Years ago, I worked in a nursing home and it was surprising just how many residents had children who never visited.

Bingbong2000 · 02/02/2025 10:34

Yes I would as had a kids shaped hole in my life. However if I went back again I would pick a different career which might have changed things.

Marine30 · 02/02/2025 14:38

Marine30 · 02/02/2025 00:18

Yes, in a heartbeat.

Edited to say that I would never not have children but if you have just one set of healthy supportive parents around it will make a huge difference.
It’s a much tougher road without family on either side. But having said that still yes, most definitely children were right for us.

BruFord · 02/02/2025 15:29

Yes, @ObelixtheGaul, even if you have children, you do need to be content with your own company and cultivate some friends, because there’s no guarantee that your adult children will live close by, for example.

My widowed Dad really struggled after my SM died four years ago, because he hadn’t made an effort to maintain his friendships. He’s now living in a retirement community, has reconnected with some old friends, and is much happier. I ring him most days, but he’s had to learn how to live alone.

I’ve learnt from this and do make an effort with friendships. It helps that I enjoy my own company so I’ll be fine if my children move far away.