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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have your kids again?

348 replies

Flowers665 · 31/01/2025 20:26

I don't have any and I don't know if I want any. I like having my nephew or neice for the day but I am EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and happy to hand them back. I can find it hard to fill the time with them. Also always really look forward to going back to having time to myself. I don't know if people will be honest but if you could go back would you have kids? I love being able to be selfish, spend all my time and money on myself.

OP posts:
Seeingred70 · 31/01/2025 22:43

For the first 13/14 years, I’d have said an absolutely. Now, one of mine has a terminal illness and I genuinely feel like I’m going to die of a broken heart. Another is highly anxious and at risk of developing the same condition. The third is seemingly thriving, but I’m terrified of the world she’s going to inhabit: the climate crisis, AI, the backlash against feminism. For all the joy they’ve brought me, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive the rest of my life. I’m not sure I want to.

Mountainpika · 31/01/2025 22:43

Mine are well into their 40s now, but I wouldn't change anything. I certainly wouldn't tell my younger self not to have children. From a very early age I wanted to get married and have a family. I had other ambitions as well which I also achieved, and have done more that I could never have anticipated, but much of that has been since the children were late teens and onwards. No regrets at all.

BoudiccasBangles · 31/01/2025 22:44

It’s different with your own. Everyone says it, but it’s true. They’re exhausting, frustrating, frazzling and you can kiss goodbye to the life you knew, but the joy they bring is something you can only know when you have them. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done and if I could only choose to do one thing again in my life, it would be having my DCs with DH. You do have to choose your partner carefully though!

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 31/01/2025 22:45

Yep. Getting pregnant was difficult, pregnancy nearly killed me and I’ve always had high anxiety so seems like a recipe for disaster but I love them to bits. It helped my husband was all in and we had been together for 12 years before we had children so we were on the same page. They were genuinely happy and pleasant kids (despite some physical limitations to my daughter) and have been a delight.

They will never stop being a worry though, I think it’s harder now they’re 21 than when they were 2!

Mabiscuit · 31/01/2025 22:46

I don't regret it at all but I had one. It was a nasty surprise to find when I'd ask for help from midwives, doctors, physio, or PILs it wasn't forthcoming. I had to get on with it even when I was desperately ill. I'd stupidly never fully realised that many people rely on their parents, cleaners, gardeners etc. to cope with day-to-day childcare and chores. The mental load is immense. Mums are not able have it all which was a total wake up call for me. One and done!

RightOnTheEdge · 31/01/2025 22:47

I would have them again 100% they are the best things on my life. I'm a lone parent and we are a little gang of three. They are great company.

FilthyforFirth · 31/01/2025 22:47

Yes, in a heartbeat and that includes my non sleeping, high maintenance pain in the ass 4 yo. I wish I had them slightly earlier so I would be past this stage (was 32 and 35) and I am permanently knackered.

But when I am away from them I miss them, so yeah I'd do it all over again.

That's not to say it isnt bloody hard though!

FilthyforFirth · 31/01/2025 22:47

Yes, in a heartbeat and that includes my non sleeping, high maintenance pain in the ass 4 yo. I wish I had them slightly earlier so I would be past this stage (was 32 and 35) and I am permanently knackered.

But when I am away from them I miss them, so yeah I'd do it all over again.

That's not to say it isnt bloody hard though!

HellofromJohnCraven · 31/01/2025 22:48

I think that I could have had a happy and successful life without kids as much as with them.
Different life but just as good.

blackandwhitefur · 31/01/2025 22:49

Am I the only one who thinks this is a really odd question? If someone asked my mum if she would have me again and she said no, I would be devastated.

Futurename · 31/01/2025 22:54

blackandwhitefur · 31/01/2025 22:49

Am I the only one who thinks this is a really odd question? If someone asked my mum if she would have me again and she said no, I would be devastated.

Yes I do think it's an odd question. I'm not sure what the OP wants. If she doesn't want kids, fair enough, but do they want post after post from mothers saying they regret having children?

Swirlingceilings · 31/01/2025 22:56

Yes and that includes my step-children too. I miss things about my pre-kids life but I know I will get many of those things back once they’re grown up (even if they don’t fly the nest too soon I’ll still have the freedom to go out more) but I know that when I’m at that stage I will desperately miss the bedtime stories, cuddles and days of them following me around all day.

MarchInHappiness · 31/01/2025 22:57

I was on the fence for a long time, I met DH in my late teens but we didnt have DD until 36. My brothers all had children young (whom I loved being aunty too) and I witnessed how hard it was, and raising young children put a strain on two of my brothers marriages.

However it wasnt until my mid 30s when I came to the conclusion that I needed a child to fifull my life. DD was a very difficult baby and toddler (partly why we stuck at the one), but she was a very easy going child and teenager. DD became my best friend, she's 25 now and we are still extremely close (even those she lives three hours away now).

KnittyNell · 31/01/2025 22:58

Yes I had four and wish I had had more.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/01/2025 22:59

Absolutely, without any doubt
They bring me so much joy, are a true credit to my DH and me - and my eldest DD I'd say is one of the brightest people I know (and I'm not being biased, she's exemplary in so many ways). At a school parents' evening last year, her history teacher said with absolute sincerity that she should become Prime Minister (I'm not sure anyone in their right mind would want that job!)

My DC are my world and have saved my sanity on many occasions. I've had a lot of hard times over the past decade with multiple awful health problems, and it's been my 3 DC who gave me the will to live, and stopped me from feeling life wasn't worth living. I'd say in some ways I probably owe them my life to a degree. (And yes, that probably sounds extreme and a bit OTT, but they have made me want to be here to see them flourish).

ExercicenformedeZ · 31/01/2025 23:00

Franjipanl8r · 31/01/2025 21:15

Spending time with other people’s children is the best contraceptive there is! Liking other people’s children and enjoying being a parent are completely different and separate.

Indeed. I actually really like children, but I have known that I didn't want my own children since I was a child myself. Not for me.

EwwSprouts · 31/01/2025 23:01

Definitely yes, he's a fab young adult now. At this point I am building my social life again, taken up a new sport and still working. What you are describing is a chunk of your life where you don't get to put yourself first but there are different rewards and a love like no other.
I think I was lucky in that he was as easy baby so I got some sleep (after the first few weeks) and that almost all my established friends had children in their late thirties/early forties so we went through it together. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I feel that is true. Our 'village' was friends with/without children, the actual village we lived in and his sports club. So I guess make sure you do have some form of a network.

Cupcakerat · 31/01/2025 23:03

Yes! They are worth every single exhausting moment. You can tolerate a lot more when they are your own children!

Icanttakethisanymore · 31/01/2025 23:03

Pleasegodgotosleep · 31/01/2025 20:42

I absolutely would. One thing I'd change if I could would be to have them earlier. Can't do anything about that, I met dh at 34 and we had kids st 36 and 39. I'm now 46, peri-menipausal with a 6 and 9 year old. I am EXHAUSTED. I love them endlessly I just wish I was 10 years younger. In the other hand they keep me young 🤣

Im going to be you in 6 years time (im 40 but had my kids at the same ages as you). Sometimes I wish I’d had them earlier but equally I loved every second of my life before kids. I would have them again but I can’t deny there’s a load of stuff I miss too.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/01/2025 23:04

Seeingred70 · 31/01/2025 22:43

For the first 13/14 years, I’d have said an absolutely. Now, one of mine has a terminal illness and I genuinely feel like I’m going to die of a broken heart. Another is highly anxious and at risk of developing the same condition. The third is seemingly thriving, but I’m terrified of the world she’s going to inhabit: the climate crisis, AI, the backlash against feminism. For all the joy they’ve brought me, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive the rest of my life. I’m not sure I want to.

I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking. Sending you the biggest hug 😪💔

Maxorias · 31/01/2025 23:06

OP, you're gonna get as many answers as posters. Everyone will have a different experience. I really think you need to ask yourself what you want our of life, how you see your family when you're 50, 60, 70...

TheCraicDealer · 31/01/2025 23:06

Yes. I have a supportive family and a DH who I would say does pretty close to 50:50, two great sleepers and we did some brilliant trips before the kids came along. I’d had time to get to a decent level in my career but I’m also not terribly ambitious so don’t feel annoyed that I can’t focus on work right now. DH and I both WFH and work have facilitated my going to a 9-day-fortnight. All these things have combined to make it actually alright, despite me loving my sleep and my own space.

Now our eldest is 5yo and has a lot of feelings about a lot of things, and we’re still in the toddler rage stage with our younger one. Some days are a bit shit. Sometimes DH and I say “imagine if we didn’t have kids, we could just open a bottle of wine right now, etc”, but then the other one will go, “….yeah but they’re great aren’t they?” and you reply, “yeah they actually are though”. And when DD shouts “MUMMY!” and runs towards me at pick up before asking me if I know what the equator is, or DS lies down on my shoulder after pretending to steal my nose for the twentieth time, there’s no bottle of wine or holiday or tidy house in the world that would compare.

maddening · 31/01/2025 23:08

It it would still be ds I would have him earlier so I could give him a sibling

Gansy · 31/01/2025 23:10

Seeingred70 · 31/01/2025 22:43

For the first 13/14 years, I’d have said an absolutely. Now, one of mine has a terminal illness and I genuinely feel like I’m going to die of a broken heart. Another is highly anxious and at risk of developing the same condition. The third is seemingly thriving, but I’m terrified of the world she’s going to inhabit: the climate crisis, AI, the backlash against feminism. For all the joy they’ve brought me, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive the rest of my life. I’m not sure I want to.

Oh goodness that’s hard. I’m wishing you and your kids the best. Sending you a hug.

Idisagreewithu · 31/01/2025 23:15

There's no need to 'fill the time' with them. You can do your own thing and so can they quite a bit of the time!