Would you have your kids again?

[Flowers665]

I don't have any and I don't know if I want any. I like having my nephew or neice for the day but I am EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and happy to hand them back. I can find it hard to fill the time with them. Also always really look forward to going back to having time to myself. I don't know if people will be honest but if you could go back would you have kids? I love being able to be selfish, spend all my time and money on myself.

It’s an anonymous forum. The op is ambivalent about having children and is asking a question of parents to help her decide if motherhood is for her. Nobody is telling their child they wouldn’t have them again.

Absolutely not !!! Would not have any given the time over again.

absofuckinlootly, they are brilliant. All I regret is I don’t have more of them, had my insides not given up the ghost I’d have had a rabble. The urge to risk it only packed in recently and I know I’m too old. Still kind of wish someone would leave a little bundle on my doorstep though.

They are basically the focal point of my life. Clearly that does not speak well of my other choices but hey, take what we can get, right 😂

I'm in my 60s and I think I possibly had my children too young and when I wasn't in the best place, but if I were to have my life again there's no way I'd be without them. I was a SP for most of their childhood & adolescence and it was tough going at times. I don't think I was very good at the toddler stage - being completely honest, toddler 'interests' bored me solid and it's the bit I'd least want to repeat. But I always loved them fiercely and (looking back) it was an honour to guide two young humans through their formative years and watch them becoming adults. Raising my children is the most meaningful thing I've done in my 60+ years on this planet by a very wide margin, and I'd do it again every time (though not now, thanks very much, I don't have the energy!). That said, it's not for everyone, and not wanting children of your own doesn't make you any less of a person.

Yes, I will have them again, despite them being an introvert, non-maternal, working ft, having difficult babies, non-sleepers, health issues, schools issues, etc.

Now that they are just turned adults, I am thinking 2 is too few and I should have had 3! Too late for that.

I am hoping to be a grandparent at some point 😁

Guess I am a sucker for punishment.

Yes.

I made a few poor choices regarding my education and choice of degree when I was 17. Nothing terrible, but my hopes and dreams were crushed and I had no back up plan, and no-one had any clue how to help or advise me. It meant I then condemned myself to the next 10 years of poor self esteem, low self worth, zero self confidence and have only ever worked minimum wage jobs as a result. I'm edging ever nearer to 40 and have just about put myself back together to try again for a better career.

However, if I had not made those choices I would never have met my husband (he is not the cause of any of my issues I assure you). And without meeting my husband I would not have my children. And without my children I would have no purpose. I'm fairly sure without them my marriage would have long failed, and I would have devolved into the miserable, wretched, self sabotaging, failure of a human I once was.

If I were to go back and not implode my own life, I would perhaps have a career. Not the one I wanted (I was too idiotic to realise it was never going to happen), but still a happy and fulfilling one. But even though I might have children in this alternate existence, they could never be the ones I have right now. And the thought of knowing my children, my wonderful perfect children, would never exist in any universe except this one is one I cannot imagine.

So yes. In every universe, in every timeline, no matter what. I choose them.

Absolutely I'd be lost without them. I was a bit bored before having them, now I'd love to have enough time to get bored 😂 Although I do appreciate a break or night off now and again!

I have 2, if I had started a bit earlier I'd have probably went for a third. I cld still go for another but I'm not willing to now they are both at school and I'm closing in on 40. I do get more time to myself now than when they were younger.

Lots of after school clubs, parties and hobbies at wkends. Everything is centred around the kids.

I have a friend that says if she had her time again she'd be childless. She also has 2 and her second was a very difficult child/teen.

@Pollymollydolly I know it's an anonymous forum but I don't think asking parents who have kids whether they regret having them is entirely appropriate or can help her decide to have them herself.

Just saw this; I am so sorry. I am wishing you the strength you need to cope with what must be the hardest scenario in life. I cannot even imagine how you must feel.

Yes I would 1000%. I often think of going back in time and doing some things differently, then I find myself trying to figure out how I would get exactly the same kids again!

I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I've always wanted them, though. Dh has always been a hands-on dad though, if he was anything less, I'd have ditched him after the first. Yes, it's hard at times but so rewarding and nothing is better for me than coming home to them. They enrich my life for the better.

Absolutely, over and over. I've never felt or received a love like that I feel for and receive from my son, despite having a very happy loving marriage. I now truly understand the term unconditional love, it is without decision or question, it is just there, unending and a delight. That being said parenting is very hard and very tiring, but you get used to that and it becomes the new normal. I would however say if you aren't certain you want to be a parent, don't do it, there are plenty of alternative child free happy lives to be lead. It was right for me but isn't right for everyone

I'm post-menopausal, and I'm someone who opted out, after being very conflicted for years and desperately worried that I would regret not having kids. But I couldn't deny that the work, worry, and expense of it all sounded very unappealing, even though I could also see the benefits of having kids. My husband felt very similar. Ultimately, we decided that it's best to regret NOT having kids than regret having them.

Several posters have mentioned loneliness and a lack of meaning without kids. One said that life would be very solitary, another said that going to other countries would be a bit meh without kids, etc. I'd like to discuss these points.

Well, they're not wrong. Even someone like me, who is very happy with their own company and who really didn't like the idea of the domestic load that comes with kids, it IS a bit lonely not to have them. Even when I was still married, sometimes we'd go away on our own and it did seem a bit empty without kids. Also, as an adult, life is more solitary if you don't have the built-in bustle and noise of having kids in the house.

But. For all that, I think it was the right decision. I still wouldn't want to take on all the work, worry, and expense, and I think if you're not young enough to be living at home with your parents, or if you are not a parent yourself with children living in the house - in other words, you're not living in a family unit - life IS a bit lonely.

One thing that not having kids has given me is the time and focus to look outwards, to really see the other people in my life, to volunteer, to look at the world around me and to wonder at it and take pleasure in its parts that aren't to do with family. It's such a beautiful world and there are so many ways to live your life. If you don't have built-in companions in the shape of a family, you do have to work harder to find meaning, but it can be done, and a life lived on your own terms is meaningful in itself and can be its own joy.

Absolutely yes. Although I wish I could have picked a better father for my children, so I wish I could have the same children with a different dad. But I know that's impossible.

I think you should probably ask people who are childfree as well though otherwise it's not really a balanced view! There are women who regret not having them and women who love their childfree lives.

Yes, I would. But I had my first baby aged 30 after doing a decent bit of travelling and having fun. My son is a wonderful, sweet boy who never stops moving and is currently obsessed with the hoover. He is sweet natured and hardly ever hits etc.

I fell pregnant with my second earlier than planned (we were supposed to have a wild autumn/winter then start trying in January but got pregnant in August!) and I did feel sad and panicky at first because I had things on my bucket list.

I got over it but I imagine it would be worse if I felt like I'd missed out on a lot of significant events rather than a few bits of fun.

@ThisFluentBiscuit the dinkie childfree lifestyle is very seductive. What parent knee deep in childcare and relentless toil has not envied you. If dh and I did not have children, we would be retired by now mortgage-free with healthy savings and investments, fun experiences and lavish holidays.

I comfort myself that although I will retire later, dh and I will still have the opportunities to look outside ourselves, as you describe it, to volunteer and take up hobbies and pursue our interests. Once my youngest ds leaves home in September for university, I already have various projects planned.

They are the best thing in my life and I have a pretty good life so they have strong competition for being the best thing. I would have them again without a second thought. I would choose them over everything else. They have intensified all the good feelings in life: joy, fun, pride, amusement, interest, affection.

@Flowers665 , I was by one of those people who was on the fence about kids. Not mad about other people’s kids. I’m also quite introverted, like quiet alone time. Naturally night-owl and late riser…

I come from a large family. Growing up, the house was packed and there was not enough to go around for everyone, which felt like not enough love. So it turned me off kids tbh.

I’ve had one kid in my late 30s and I feel slightly self-conscious to say I didn’t give it too much thought - got pregs immediately before got used to the idea of ‘trying’… I was pretty scared.

Would I have a happy life without kids? yes, of course. I’d live a different life.
Do I regret what I have now? Not at all. I adore him and would do anything for him. I jump out of bed to see his little face in the mornings - and that’s saying something for me.

Is it hard work? Sure. But listening to him attempting to sing Ol’ Mac Donald’s makes me tear up with joy. He’s done something to my heart that I can’t explain. My partner is a hands on dad and that influences my experience a lot.

Unlike a lot of posters here, I’m also delighted I waited until my late 30s. I don’t really feel less energetic than when in my 20s. I feel more settled. I’ve achieved a lot personally - academically and career wise, I’ve got to do some travel, and while not rich, I feel good that I can afford to give us a comfortable life where I’m not scrambling for rent. I’ve no big itches to scratch.

I’m 40 now, and really giving thought to another. But I like what I have. Might not…

Yes. I had twins 2nd time round after an easy first baby and the first few years were hell with reflux and not sleeping and i’m sad now i spent most of it stressed and not getting to enjoy it as much. We spent about a year seriously considering staying with one - we’d have a lot more money & nicer holidays and private school and debated whether to stick or try and in end end decided to try and see and if you asked me back then if i’d know i’d get 2 i would have said we’d have stuck at 1. However, now, even knowning how hard it was i wouldn’t change a thing. My 1st was planned too although with hindsight iprobably should have waited a few more years!

It's one of the only things in my life that I am certain of and would do again.

Without question, yes, I'd have them again. But parenting is definitely not for everyone and I have friends and work colleagues would have been happier without having kids. It's good to question how you'd feel before taking the plunge as unhappy parenthood can lead to unhappy and resentful children.

Yes, absolutely!
We looked after my one year old niece for a couple of days and overnight before we had kids and like you I could not believe how ‘boring’ and completely exhausting it was. I was already pregnant with my eldest so no chance to reconsider whether we should have children. When they’re your own it’s different. Even though parenting has definitely had a lot of challenging parts, I’d do it all over again to have our (currently teenage) brilliant children.

@blackandwhitefur

Why is it not appropriate? It's important to get honest views - the good and the bad. If you only get the good answers, some would definitely be lying.

Without hesitation. DS is the very very best part of my life, and I loved my life before. I would have him later on in life though, if I could guarantee the same DC. I had him by accident in my mid 20s and it made my career much harder. I've also not had a second DC because can't afford to move to a three bed. If I had saved properly instead of spending on nursery fees and working part time, I could have bought a three bed and had two DC.

Depends on the reason really. If my own mother had said she wouldn't have had me if she'd known I would struggle so much in life and how bad the world has become I'd applaud her selflessness to go without children (hypothetically). Most parents will be answering from their own perspective of how children have affected their own life though.