AIBU to request a “gift” back?

[requestingagiftback]

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

We are all going to want to know what the deal breaker was.

You ABU for not telling us what the dealbreaker was.

I don't think you can, no.
I also don't think she should have accepted the clothes.

It's an anonymous site OP so you can say what the deal breaker was? Otherwise we can't really offer advice

I would just leave it otherwise there will be an awkward meet up to get the clothes back and I couldn't be done with that.

I think that ship has sailed unfortunately, I don't think you can reasonably ask for it back and i don't fancy your chances of getting them back. But on the other hand, if she doesn't want to be friends you've nothing to lose by asking!

This thread is going to be rammed with people wanting to know what the dealbreaker was.

It would be ridiculously petty to ask for the clothes back. It’ll seem like you were trying to buy her friendship with a bag of second hand clothes and now see no reason to bother… honestly it wasn’t this lovely kind thing to do if you’re considering asking for it all back!!

I don't think you can ask for clothes back. Impressively upfront boundary setting on her part 😬

I don't think you can ask for them back really, sounds like an oddly formal exchange on her part after one meet up but you probably dodged a bullet.

That is a really odd text. Unless you told her you were into swinging would she like to come round and throw her keys in the fruit bowl at your next gathering….?

As for the clothes, she shouldn’t have accepted them, or should offer to return them. Would I ask for them back? Probably not, but I can understand why some people might.

Its going to be awkward if your girls become fast friends!

More context needed - for all we know the deal breaker could be you spat in her face when she didn’t agree with you that air traffic controllers can’t have dwarfism or ADHD….

I wouldn’t . Your kids might become friends ..
it makes life awkward on the playground .

you may have had a lucky escape based on so much drama already

Well she made NO more than a complete sentence didn't she?

I get that you probably feel a bit/lot hurt by her withdrawing her friendship in such a way, however it will definitely look petty if you ask for the clothes back.

Maybe that doesn't matter seeing as the friendship is going nowhere anyway? In which case go for it, what have you got to lose.

I would leave it.

The clothes have gone. Just because glad they've been decluttered.

YABU to mention the deal breaker and then not give any info...you know we all want to know. I'd assume you made some comment she took the wrong way nothing blatantly awful like very racist as you'd know that was the issue but something controversial politically either TWAW (or the reverse), Trump is the best leader ever, you ate a meat product, or it's PFB parenting related you believe screen time is ok, fed your child non organic food or some such PFB issue she's got her knickers in a twist about.

However this all sounds a bit intense and I'd be glad it was a dead end.

Id reply “completely understand! If you could drop the clothes back on my doorstep at your convenience then I can go with my original plan to sell them, thanks!”

Sure it’s cheeky but she was cheeky to accept them and you won’t be friends anyway so it doesn’t matter.

It’d be very odd to ask for them back.

Oh that I were so confident and it sounds like she nailed it as you don't appear to have disputed her comment, no you can ask for the stuff back

I don’t see what you gave as a gift, maybe she was offended that you assumed she was “in need” of your cast off second hand clothes. I mean it’s very rude to assume a stranger wants your unwanted clothes.

They were given as a gift, so really, just let them go.
You would look very immature asking for them back.
Perhaps next time pace yourself with new friendships, and don't give more than you are comfortable with.

What's the deal breaker?

I'd ask for them back, tell her you want to sell them on.

Now tell us what the dealbreaker was. Are you married to Nigel Farage? Do you hero worship Donald Trump? Have you slept with Boris?

I’d be tempted to text her and say “I understand, but am surprised you felt comfortable enough to accept all free those clothes from me whilst being uncomfortable enough to meet up with me again”.

If her deal breaker was something very petty then it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for the clothes back. But if it was something massive then perhaps you should just fade away gracefully.

So, you need to tell us what the deal breaker was. Did you pass the port the wrong way, or was it something more extreme?