AIBU to request a “gift” back?

[requestingagiftback]

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

I think she was rude so all her bets are off. Definitely ask for the clothes back.

And next time don’t be so generous to a new friend! Many people are takers.

Never have I ever need to know about a deal breaker more than this

Not a stranger though, was she?
It was a potential friendship.
I ask my friend if she wants my youngest daughter's clothes every time she grows out of them - and I wouldn't think there's a financial difference between us.
I wouldn't be offended the other way either.

I think you'll have to write off the clothes though OP.
Did she say what the issue was?
Good on her...I'd have just ghosted someone if I didn't want to see them again.

The responses on this thread have amused me.

I can't imagine ever being as upfront as her. I'd have just fizzled out the replying to messages 😆

If you feel she is being petty then you may as well be petty back.

I don't think she was being unreasonable to accept the clothes. I have taken things from people in situations when I have felt cornered into it because of being too polite to say that I never want to see them again.

Whether it's petty or not 100% depends on what the reason was she doesn't want to continue with the friendship?

Though, personally I'd leave it as you've got rid of the clothes now, and so don't have to deal with trying to sell or give away which is a huge farce usually!

She had a cheek accepting your gift and then telling you you didn’t meet her high standards for friendship! But I wouldn’t ask for the clothes back. As others have said, you’ve probably dodged a bullet.

Edited to add: I love the deal-breakers people are suggesting here! 😂

I disagree that it was like buying friendship. It was just something that a friend would naturally do for another friend; except she has now made it clear that they aren't friends.

Does depend on the dealbreaker

I would ask for them back though. Just say something casual like you understand her position re the friendship and say she's welcome to just drop the clothes back by the front door. No hard feelings or whatever.

Just walk away with your dignity intact.

Honestly I'd probably feel quite salty about this but I like to think I'd grit my teeth and tell myself that a good deed is it's own reward.

Political views maybe?

She sounds like she somehow thinks you wanted to be her partner and she wasn't attracted to you in that way; not just a potential casual mum-friend with children the same age.

In fact, she reminds me of the character in The Fast Show who thought that everybody desperately fancied him - and that a work colleague asking to borrow his stapler was a clear romantic come-on!

I wouldn’t ask for them back, what if she says no or come and get them?
How awkward?

Sadly I don’t think you can ask for them back without looking petty but she should be offering to drop them back as they were given in the spirit of a friendship she has now rejected.

As PP have said, it depends on what the deal-breaker was.

Is it because she's a dog person and you're a cat person? YANBU

If you support Trump and she is a rational human being then YABU

Hope that helps.

I really think it depends on the deal breaker. If you were a knob then yabu. If it something completely unfair than yanbu

Did the dealbreaker incident occur before or after the clothes were offered and accepted?

All anyone wants here is the deal breaker. Did you call dh hubs or hubby? Did you put the milk in whilst the tea bag was still in? Was it political or religious? Did you think Roy Keane was unreasonable to leave Saipan- or whatever the U.K. equivalent is?

She should of given them back, but conditional gifting is petty.

It would look really petty to ask for the clothes back and super awkward if you bump into her again at soft play or elsewhere. I’d try and brush it off personally. Her message was pretty firm so she may have her own issues (assuming we’re not talking drugs/racism or equivalent!)

Maybe she's filthy stinking rich and didn't like your assumption that she was worse off than you.

My original thought though, as posted above - you invited her to a swingers party at soft play 🤣
Everyone knows you should ask in the garden centre surely.

Sounds like she did you a favour. The whole ‘deal breaker’ thing sounds potentially tedious ( though I’d have to know what it is to really give a view)

but I’d return the clothes if I were her. So she is a bit of a taker.

anyone being that upfront about boundaries sounds really annoying.

but on the deal breaker:
did she say the house was manky?
are you a nudist?
into supernatural?
are you a smoker?
did you drink alcohol?
are you very religious? Lots of crosses and bibles everywhere?
do you grow weed?

into MLM?
Have a hot tub?

How bizarre. I almost admire her honesty, but bloody hell, it's a bit much to send a break up text after a play date isn't it?! How dramatic.
I couldn't ask for the clothes back. I'd chalk it up to experience and let it go. I'd not bother to respond to the message either.

Come on, OP, you know the rules. Tell us.