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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request a “gift” back?

229 replies

requestingagiftback · 31/01/2025 17:04

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 31/01/2025 17:38

I'd definitely have to at least message her and express surprise at being comfortable in taking the clothes off you when there was a misalignment in values to such an extent she felt the need to give you feedback -I mean who the fuck actually does that?
Nothing wrong at all in asking for the clothes back either.

thenightsky · 31/01/2025 17:38

Starlightstarbright4 · 31/01/2025 17:10

I wouldn’t . Your kids might become friends ..
it makes life awkward on the playground .

you may have had a lucky escape based on so much drama already

This post covers it perfectly I think.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 31/01/2025 17:38

FFS I really wanted to know where dealbreaker was.

PeakedInterest · 31/01/2025 17:40

I know not the point of the thread but I'll take my guess.. I'm guessing the issue was around vaccinations.

Either OP is for/against certain ones which conflicted with the friends views.

Its general enough to be brought up in general conversation but conflicting enough to end a budding friendship.

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 31/01/2025 17:41

myslippersarepink · 31/01/2025 17:33

This! She's not shy about saying she doesn't like you so what do you lose about asking for them back? She can only say yes or no.

Show quote history

This seems reasonable.
But if you mention her saying something is a dealbreaker, you must expect people to ask what it was. Bit like if you mention problems with parking, you're obliged to provide a diagram.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/01/2025 17:41

I think the dealbreaker does kind of matter. I mean did the OP roll up her sleeve and show off her swastika tattoo or did she admit that she finds bins in the bathroom gross?

if it was the first then yeah the not-friend was justfied… if the latter then maybe the OP has a case for asking for the clothes back.

Arran2024 · 31/01/2025 17:42

I have 2 adopted children and a few mums dropped me once they found out the girls were adopted, but no one came right out and said anything. They just cancelled or didn't turn up and that was that. Their choice. I think she has behaved really strangely being so openly blunt with you. Most people don't do that.

But you did give her the clothes and it feels inconsiderate to ask for them back now. Be the bigger person and walk away. She should have offered to give them back to you imo but we know she's not the considerate type!!

Teanbiscuits33 · 31/01/2025 17:42

I think it’s fine that she was honest that she doesn’t think you’d get on as friends. After all, people are always banging on about how no one communicates properly and I hate the whole faux politeness thing, just say what you mean! Having said that, she should have been a bit less blunt and rude about it, and if I was her and felt that way, I’d have returned the clothes or not accepted them in the first place. I think I’d have probably given the friendship more of a chance as well. I think she’s behaved oddly and it seems like you’ve dodged a bullet.

Edit to add: I’m not sure I’d ask for the clothes back as that implies they were conditional, but if you want to ask I’d message:

Hi X, it’s a shame you feel that way but I understand that not everybody clicks! Just to let you know, I intended to sell the clothes I gave to you and chose to give them to you as a gesture of friendship. On reflection, I could really do with the money, so I’d appreciate it if you would return them ASAP so that I can go ahead with the original plan. All the best x

nationalsausagefund · 31/01/2025 17:42

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 17:34

OP, don’t feel you have to tell us the deal breaker, ignore anyone who asks.

Have you decided if you’re going to ask her for the clothes?

Show quote history

OP, please do feel you have to tell us the deal breaker, ignore this one reply.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2025 17:43

Usually I'd say no. But yes ask the cf for the clothes back.

gillefc82 · 31/01/2025 17:43

If she has so adamantly decided to enforce a boundary, I think the polite thing to do would be for her to have offered to return the bag of clothes. Since she hasn’t done this I don’t think you can ask for them back but assuming the issue wasn’t anything sordid/illegal etc then I suspect you’ve had a lucky escape!

BoundaryGirl3939 · 31/01/2025 17:43

She should have offered to give you them back when she texted you. Cheeky of her to use your stuff yet not want you in her life. I would request them back. She may say no however. She seems odd.

HPandthelastwish · 31/01/2025 17:43

@peaked @PeakedInterest Oooh vaccinations is a good guess.

If it's not political I reckon it was food related as it happened 3/4 of the way through and OP gave her DC something ( possibly offering to the other child too) something she doesn't agree with.

[PS I have previously contributed to this thread in a useful way. But guessing possible deal breakers is quite fun 😉]

notatinydancer · 31/01/2025 17:44

No I don't think you should ask for the clothes back.
They are for her daughter to benefit from.

GottaShiftThesePounds · 31/01/2025 17:44

I wouldn't ask for the clothes back personally

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 17:44

nationalsausagefund · 31/01/2025 17:42

OP, please do feel you have to tell us the deal breaker, ignore this one reply.

Show quote history

She says she doesn’t want to say. What is wrong with you?

MySweetGeorgina · 31/01/2025 17:44

I think if you were so acutely aware of your difference in social status that you immediately gifted her your DC old clothes, she was probably aware (and uncomfortable) about that social dynamic too

I know a friend like this (not you obv!!!) who expects eternal gratitude from the recipients of her cast offs ConfusedGrin

I think if you ask for the clothes back, you'd help her reaffirm that she made the right decision Wink

JassyRadlett · 31/01/2025 17:44

Honestly I'd probably try to enjoy the view from the moral high ground.

However I'd be sorely tempted to climb down from that hill and send a text something like: "Thanks for letting me know. I'm quite surprised that, knowing how you felt, you still accepted the clothes that I offered as a gesture of friendship. It's probably best all round if you drop them back next time you're passing."

But that's only because her message sounds so totally self-involved and dramatic. Who announces to a fellow school mum that they don't want to pursue a friendship, rather than just letting it fizzle away politely.

Birthdaycakewithwine · 31/01/2025 17:45

I would regard it as a lucky escape, OP. A bit strange of her to text that but in a way you can admire her honesty! Most people would have politely phased you out and just not met up again without being so abrupt about it. Imagine if you had become friends and then she went all odd and you got drawn in to God knows what drama down the line.

Yeah I'd want the clothes back!! Would look petty but what the hell. Why should she keep them after texting you that?!

WhatNoRaisins · 31/01/2025 17:45

I do agree that she should have offered the clothes back. I'm trying to imagine myself in a situation with a deal-breaker with a new relationship. I think if I felt so strongly that I needed to be so blunt about it then I'd feel really odd accepting a donation of clothes.

She sounds like a fairly unusual person so her thought processes are anyone's guess really.

SillySeal · 31/01/2025 17:45

I wouldn't ask for them back. Just chalk it up to experience and don't be so nice so quickly next time.

I do think that's really strange the way she's text though. Surely if there were things that didn't align you would just be busy and let things fizzle out.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/01/2025 17:46

Good enough to take freebies from but not good enough to be her friend?
Fuck that.
And double fuck the moral highground/ being the bigger person bullshit.

You need to reply something like fair enough. Thank you for your honesty. Bit weird of you to keep the bag of freebies you got off me though.

2025ohdear · 31/01/2025 17:46

What on earth did you say to make someone write that to you?

Go on, what was it????

TayceOnToast · 31/01/2025 17:46

Let us know what you decide! We need an update!

Hdjdb42 · 31/01/2025 17:47

I'd text back saying, that's a shame you feel this way. Please return the clothes I gave you.

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