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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request a “gift” back?

229 replies

requestingagiftback · 31/01/2025 17:04

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

OP posts:
Mugcake · 31/01/2025 17:50

Although annoying I don't think you should ask for them back. It's just extra drama and she might not bother anyway. I had a sort of similar situation, met up with another mum a few times and was clearing out my LO's toys and asked her if she'd like some. She chose the ones she wanted and a week or two later she was selling them on fb 🙄 I didn't bother bringing it up. I knew her response would be that I'd given them to her so she could do what she wanted. Which I guess is true but like you left a Sour taste

Mouthfulofquiz · 31/01/2025 17:51

Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape there OP. Unless you were shooting up on the play date, that is weird behaviour!

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 31/01/2025 17:51

Teanbiscuits33 · 31/01/2025 17:42

I think it’s fine that she was honest that she doesn’t think you’d get on as friends. After all, people are always banging on about how no one communicates properly and I hate the whole faux politeness thing, just say what you mean! Having said that, she should have been a bit less blunt and rude about it, and if I was her and felt that way, I’d have returned the clothes or not accepted them in the first place. I think I’d have probably given the friendship more of a chance as well. I think she’s behaved oddly and it seems like you’ve dodged a bullet.

Edit to add: I’m not sure I’d ask for the clothes back as that implies they were conditional, but if you want to ask I’d message:

Hi X, it’s a shame you feel that way but I understand that not everybody clicks! Just to let you know, I intended to sell the clothes I gave to you and chose to give them to you as a gesture of friendship. On reflection, I could really do with the money, so I’d appreciate it if you would return them ASAP so that I can go ahead with the original plan. All the best x

Edited

But she didn't just say something like she didn't feel they had a lot in common so not much point in trying to force a friendship of people with such different interests or personalities; she basically sacked OP for perceived gross misconduct!

Couldbysunny · 31/01/2025 17:51

I understand how you feel. That woman is horrible and the trash has taken itself out. But no you can't ask for a gift back really. That's very petty and rude. Altho I sympathise with you as I'd feel the same.. I think you should resist asking for it back. You don't want to lower yourself to her rudeness level.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/01/2025 17:52

It’s an ambiguous situation in several ways. You gave a new friend some cast off clothes which you had considered selling, but presumably she didn’t know that. So she would not think of returning them, it would just seem like a nuisance for you to have to get rid of them again. I think asking to have them back would look pointless and strange.

KitsyWitsy · 31/01/2025 17:52

How are you going to ‘close the thread’?

nationalsausagefund · 31/01/2025 17:52

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 17:44

She says she doesn’t want to say. What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

I like to make jokes on the internet. What is wrong with you?

OP, did you make a good joke and the other mum didn’t like it, was that the dealbreaker?

Offthepath · 31/01/2025 17:52

If the deal breaker was something like it turns out you are her ex's 1st cousin or something, then fair enough - divorce is really tough and you learn quickly not to trust anyone. It's not even personal, that's just how the divorce process is.

ExercicenformedeZ · 31/01/2025 17:52

YABVU to not mention the dealbreaker.

BunnyLake · 31/01/2025 17:52

Teanbiscuits33 · 31/01/2025 17:42

I think it’s fine that she was honest that she doesn’t think you’d get on as friends. After all, people are always banging on about how no one communicates properly and I hate the whole faux politeness thing, just say what you mean! Having said that, she should have been a bit less blunt and rude about it, and if I was her and felt that way, I’d have returned the clothes or not accepted them in the first place. I think I’d have probably given the friendship more of a chance as well. I think she’s behaved oddly and it seems like you’ve dodged a bullet.

Edit to add: I’m not sure I’d ask for the clothes back as that implies they were conditional, but if you want to ask I’d message:

Hi X, it’s a shame you feel that way but I understand that not everybody clicks! Just to let you know, I intended to sell the clothes I gave to you and chose to give them to you as a gesture of friendship. On reflection, I could really do with the money, so I’d appreciate it if you would return them ASAP so that I can go ahead with the original plan. All the best x

Edited

Thing is as we don’t know what the deal breaker is we can’t really say if she was rude. I mean it could be something really controversial and unacceptable. I can’t imagine what could take place at a playdate to illicit such a reaction though.

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2025 17:53

Threesome ?
Sex Showers ?
Penis Beaker ?
Fireworks ?
Christmas Eve Boxes?
Dogs in Pubs ?
Parent & Child parking ?
Weight loss jabs ?

I have friends with allsorts of differing views .. whole thing is odd ..

2025ohdear · 31/01/2025 17:53

Can we speculate what the deal breaker was?

saraclara · 31/01/2025 17:53

Thats fucking weird of her to give you “feedback” on whether she wanted to be your friend or not. Most people would just let it fade.

That. And I'm surprised that few people have commented on that.

I think she has a nerve to send a 'fail' report card after one meeting, and even more of one to keep the clothes after doing so.

Unlike the majority, in OP's position I wouldn't take that lying down. I'm very conflict-average, but that message would incorporate me.

I'd reply with something along the lines of "I'm not sure why you felt you had to be so blunt and hurtful in this message. It's all the more galling that despite obviously disliking me, you were happy to keep the clothes that I helped you out with. I would prefer my children's clothes to someone who likes me (or a complete stranger, frankly) so feel free to leave them at my front door at your convenience"

messybutfun · 31/01/2025 17:53

If the issue was something contentious like being antivax and the like, I would say credit to her for making her feelings clear. Most people would of course have kept quiet and just not been available for any further play dates.
I also don’t think I would have the gall to ask for the clothes back.

5128gap · 31/01/2025 17:54

No. Let it be. She sounds a bit of an odd 'un to me. Far better to have her as a neutral random again than someone you're on awkward/bad terms with because you take back the clothes (that her DD may have seen and been happy to have.)

Couldbysunny · 31/01/2025 17:54

requestingagiftback · 31/01/2025 17:32

I chose to not reveal the deal breaker as I knew that it would be all people would focus on and give their opinions on as opposed to the actual question being asked. Although no it wasn’t Trump/politics related 🤢

She had mentioned struggling and needing to get her DD some new clothes but is going through a divorce where ex is being unreasonable in our initial meeting and in one of the text messages we had and I wanted to be supportive.

I had given them near the beginning of the playdate and the issue in question came up 3/4’s of the way through.

I don’t think it was malicious in anyway, she just reflected on the day and decided on the outcome. I was shocked and a bit sad but I believe my feelings on the matter don’t really matter as I would never push a boundary even if it seems strange to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I’ll close the thread as its just going to be people asking for the issue as opposed to answering my question 🤷🏻‍♀️

It doesn't matter what the issue is it's still demented to 'end a friendship' when you've met someone once. Extremely dramatic and rude. There's no need. She could have just not met up with you again. No need to criticise you and make you feel bad. Really odd behaviour. You don't 'break up' with someone you've met one time. Doesn't matter what it's about. Very needlessly confrontational.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 31/01/2025 17:54

'hello not new friend.... Have just discovered ddog /dcat /dhamster has fleas!! Best you bin the clothes.... Regards one lucky mner'. She was never going to hand them back but at least now you know she won't be keeping them either...

SparklingJoyous · 31/01/2025 17:54

Her message was weird to say the least so why not ask for them back?

saraclara · 31/01/2025 17:54

2025ohdear · 31/01/2025 17:53

Can we speculate what the deal breaker was?

Why? It honestly doesn't matter why the other mother didn't like OP. You don't send a shitty message like that, while keeping items gifted to you on the same occasion.

CreepySquareBrackets · 31/01/2025 17:55

Is she Vegan? Did you scarf down a bacon butty in front of pfb?

May09Bump · 31/01/2025 17:55

I wouldn't ask for the clothes back - it was a gift.

You have to admire her for enforcing her boundaries like that - takes balls to just come out with we are not aligned so I'm not associating with you anymore.

Block her, if you have any social media links and move on.

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 31/01/2025 17:55

Mouthfulofquiz · 31/01/2025 17:51

Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape there OP. Unless you were shooting up on the play date, that is weird behaviour!

Shooting up as in doing drugs; or insisting on having a go on the water blaster fairy castle game in the soft-play foyer?!

lovemetomybones · 31/01/2025 17:55

She should have offered the clothes back when she was saying she no longer wanted you to be her friend.

It would not be a step too far to ask for them back.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/01/2025 17:55

Mugcake · 31/01/2025 17:50

Although annoying I don't think you should ask for them back. It's just extra drama and she might not bother anyway. I had a sort of similar situation, met up with another mum a few times and was clearing out my LO's toys and asked her if she'd like some. She chose the ones she wanted and a week or two later she was selling them on fb 🙄 I didn't bother bringing it up. I knew her response would be that I'd given them to her so she could do what she wanted. Which I guess is true but like you left a Sour taste

What would you have wanted her to do - say she was going to sell them before accepting them in case you objected ? She may have assumed you don’t like selling things or could not be bothered.

FoxtonFoxton · 31/01/2025 17:55

KitsyWitsy · 31/01/2025 17:52

How are you going to ‘close the thread’?

Not respond further presumably. Obviously that doesn't mean others can't carry on with it. Bit pointless though.