Page 3 | AIBU to request a “gift” back?

requestingagiftback · 2025-01-31T17:04:22+00:00

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine. My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down. I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻♀️) The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left. However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further. I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter. What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!? so…. AIBU: Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now. No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 31/01/2025 17:30

Did you mention that you had a toilet brush, finish a chicken off completely in just one family meal and always happily let tradesmen go for a poo in your en-suite?

JanglingJack · 31/01/2025 17:30

Whatsitreallylike · 31/01/2025 17:28

It would look really petty to ask for the clothes back and super awkward if you bump into her again at soft play or elsewhere. I’d try and brush it off personally. Her message was pretty firm so she may have her own issues (assuming we’re not talking drugs/racism or equivalent!)

Haha

Fancy a quick line whilst they're chucking balls at each other?

No?

I meant pint.

AhBiscuits · 31/01/2025 17:30

I'd just be happy to have them off my hands. Clothes sell for fuck all and it's a massive faff.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 31/01/2025 17:31

PrincessPeache · 31/01/2025 17:11

Id reply “completely understand! If you could drop the clothes back on my doorstep at your convenience then I can go with my original plan to sell them, thanks!”

Sure it’s cheeky but she was cheeky to accept them and you won’t be friends anyway so it doesn’t matter.

Edited

This

LIZS · 31/01/2025 17:31

If she felt like that why accept the gift? But no you would look petty to rescind it.

dammit88 · 31/01/2025 17:31

Miaowzabella · 31/01/2025 17:22

Just walk away with your dignity intact.

I agree with this entirely....... but blimey, she didn't want to progress the 'relationship' further? It was a playdate! That's an intense exchange after a playdate.

usser3245343 · 31/01/2025 17:32

Trickabrick · 31/01/2025 17:13

I’d be tempted to text her and say “I understand, but am surprised you felt comfortable enough to accept all free those clothes from me whilst being uncomfortable enough to meet up with me again”.

This

MellowCritic · 31/01/2025 17:32

CrestWhite · 31/01/2025 17:27

She should of given them back, but conditional gifting is petty.

Exactly.. I don't like you anymore and don't want to see you but thanks for the clothes!!! 🤦‍♀️

Original poster

requestingagiftback · 31/01/2025 17:32

I chose to not reveal the deal breaker as I knew that it would be all people would focus on and give their opinions on as opposed to the actual question being asked. Although no it wasn’t Trump/politics related 🤢

She had mentioned struggling and needing to get her DD some new clothes but is going through a divorce where ex is being unreasonable in our initial meeting and in one of the text messages we had and I wanted to be supportive.

I had given them near the beginning of the playdate and the issue in question came up 3/4’s of the way through.

I don’t think it was malicious in anyway, she just reflected on the day and decided on the outcome. I was shocked and a bit sad but I believe my feelings on the matter don’t really matter as I would never push a boundary even if it seems strange to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I’ll close the thread as its just going to be people asking for the issue as opposed to answering my question 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

myslippersarepink · 31/01/2025 17:33

Trickabrick · 31/01/2025 17:13

I’d be tempted to text her and say “I understand, but am surprised you felt comfortable enough to accept all free those clothes from me whilst being uncomfortable enough to meet up with me again”.

This! She's not shy about saying she doesn't like you so what do you lose about asking for them back? She can only say yes or no.

BrieAndChilli · 31/01/2025 17:33

Its a bit weird to send such a message. Surely most of us just distance ourselves and are ‘busy’ next time they ask to meet up? Why makes things more awkard at school if you dont need to!

i agree that actually the dealbreaker does make a difference. If its something that is very much her being weird eg you wear shoes in the house or of its something like you have nazi signs on your walls or mentioned you take cocaine on the weekends then it does have an impact on if you would be oetty asking for the clothes back.

you post is pretty identifying so telling us the rest wont make an difference!

TheFunHare · 31/01/2025 17:33

That's genuinely the weirdest thing! Surely as an adult you'd just think of excuses not to meet up again rather than be so blunt (and rude imo). I'd be the adult in a strange situation and not bring the clothes up. Sounds like she may need them more than you did anyway.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 31/01/2025 17:34

I think you've dodged a bullet. She sounds really fuckjng weird .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2025 17:34

Obviously we need to know what the deal breaker was.

Thats fucking weird of her to give you “feedback” on whether she wanted to be your friend or not. Most people would just let it fade.

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 17:34

requestingagiftback · 31/01/2025 17:32

I chose to not reveal the deal breaker as I knew that it would be all people would focus on and give their opinions on as opposed to the actual question being asked. Although no it wasn’t Trump/politics related 🤢

She had mentioned struggling and needing to get her DD some new clothes but is going through a divorce where ex is being unreasonable in our initial meeting and in one of the text messages we had and I wanted to be supportive.

I had given them near the beginning of the playdate and the issue in question came up 3/4’s of the way through.

I don’t think it was malicious in anyway, she just reflected on the day and decided on the outcome. I was shocked and a bit sad but I believe my feelings on the matter don’t really matter as I would never push a boundary even if it seems strange to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I’ll close the thread as its just going to be people asking for the issue as opposed to answering my question 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, don’t feel you have to tell us the deal breaker, ignore anyone who asks.

Have you decided if you’re going to ask her for the clothes?

Crushgrape · 31/01/2025 17:35

requestingagiftback · 31/01/2025 17:32

I chose to not reveal the deal breaker as I knew that it would be all people would focus on and give their opinions on as opposed to the actual question being asked. Although no it wasn’t Trump/politics related 🤢

She had mentioned struggling and needing to get her DD some new clothes but is going through a divorce where ex is being unreasonable in our initial meeting and in one of the text messages we had and I wanted to be supportive.

I had given them near the beginning of the playdate and the issue in question came up 3/4’s of the way through.

I don’t think it was malicious in anyway, she just reflected on the day and decided on the outcome. I was shocked and a bit sad but I believe my feelings on the matter don’t really matter as I would never push a boundary even if it seems strange to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I’ll close the thread as its just going to be people asking for the issue as opposed to answering my question 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I’ll close the thread as its just going to be people asking for the issue as opposed to answering my question

It’s just really hard to answer your AIBU when we don’t know what the deal breaker was, I could say YANBU for asking for the clothes back seeing as she doesn’t want to be mates but at the same time if the deal breaker was really bad / rude on your part then my answer would probably be YABU

Savemefromwetdog · 31/01/2025 17:35

Yeah, you’ve swerved her, she sounds like hard work. Chalk the clothes up to experience, she’s a CF but you don’t get much for old school clothes anyway.

RitaFromTheRanch · 31/01/2025 17:36

I can't imagine what you did for her to feel so strongly.

It most be pretty dire for you to not want to say so maybe reflect on that for the future so at least you've got something from it.

Crushgrape · 31/01/2025 17:36

Savemefromwetdog · 31/01/2025 17:35

Yeah, you’ve swerved her, she sounds like hard work. Chalk the clothes up to experience, she’s a CF but you don’t get much for old school clothes anyway.

But how do you know the deal breaker wasn’t really bad on OP’s part and maybe new friend was doing the right thing distancing herself from OP. You can’t just say OP swerved her without knowing the truth

WeeOrcadian · 31/01/2025 17:36

So you posted on MN, being vague, then decide to close the thread because you aren't getting the replies you'd like

Coooooool

PeloMom · 31/01/2025 17:37

@Crushgrape it shouldn’t matter. The other woman has a boundary and has decided this friendship it’s not for her- what your opinion on what is a dealbreaker is irrelevant.
i personally wouldn’t have given stuff I’m not prepared to write off completely to a virtual stranger but we are all different.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/01/2025 17:37

I'd ask for the cloths back. Cheeky cow. She'll probably sell them.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/01/2025 17:37

CLOTHES

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 17:37

Crushgrape · 31/01/2025 17:36

But how do you know the deal breaker wasn’t really bad on OP’s part and maybe new friend was doing the right thing distancing herself from OP. You can’t just say OP swerved her without knowing the truth

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter how bad the deal breaker is, OP can ask for the clothes back.

Doesn’t mean the woman will give them, but at least she’ll know OP doesn’t want her to have them anymore.

Glitchymn1 · 31/01/2025 17:38

You can’t take the clothes back or ask for money- that’s decided at the outset.
Imagine her disappointed child. Please don’t ask for the clothing back.