AIBU to request a “gift” back?

[requestingagiftback]

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

I don’t understand why some people are saying OP swerved this woman and that she’s dodged a bullet.

I personally have had to tell a mum friend I didn’t want to meet up anymore because she was judgemental and rude to me, made me feel really bad about my son being behind in weaning and what not. I told her this, I don’t see why it’s an issue telling someone you don’t want to be mates? Rather than lie and say you’re busy for the next 10 meet up requests

I think the ‘dealbreaker’ must be pretty serious to merit an ending of friendship so soon.

Anyway, you can’t really ask for the clothes back.

I think I’ll close the thread as its just going to be people asking for the issue as opposed to answering my question

Yeah that's not really how MN works. By all means you can ignore the thread and not come back but you can't close it

Do you have an XL bully?

Same sex relationship?

Something trans related?

Yes, she should have had more tact!

Well. Bet this was helpful for you

I don't think you can ask for them back. You have them to her, then something happened that made her think she didn't want to be friends with you. Rather than ghosting you or just trying to keep her distance she said because of (whatever it is) you aren't someone I can be friends with. That seems fair enough to me.
Also it is good she has been honest as other people may not want to be friends either due to whatever the issue is but haven't told you the reason.
So I would just reply and say "ok, noted."

Did you get together with your H while he was still married to your best friend: Some women are a bit unhappy about that.

Hopefully for the third time of saying, I won’t be revealing the deal breaker. It wasn’t anything sordid but the amount of people who can’t accept “no” from the outset is quite odd to me 🤔

I can’t seem to delete the post but hopefully people can respect what I’ve said.

I should have known that I was going to get a mixed bag, I was just all up in my head as I am trying to work out if my emotions are overriding my logic or manners etc

I fully respect her telling me as I think ghosting etc is abhorrent!

I hope this thread can end here and ill try and amend mu original post to say that as well!

When people use the word dealbreaker it usually means something so against their own outlook and values they could never tolerate it, so it does make me wonder what on earth took place during something as innocuous as a playdate.

It's still really odd..
I mean even if someone was full on spouting racist homophonic nonsense, I may say 'I disagree' at the time they were saying it. But if it were someone I'd met once I'd just never agree to meet up again.. I'd not send them a bloody review later on by text. That's so dramatic and shit stirring. What's the point?
If the person were continuously contacting me and trying to meet up, I might then be more direct in telling them whyi didn't want to...
But unsolicited and after one meeting is demented!!
I think the vast majority of people feel the same. It's meeting someone at a softplay so your kids can play together not a marriage. If you don't get on with the person just don't meet up again. No need to create a big fuss.

@requestingagiftback

I voted YANBU because she would have known during the play date that you "weren't her type of person" so why on earth did she accept the clothes?

I wouldn't ask for them back, but I would certainly challenge her over it and leave the decision up to her.

I would reply to her text saying "That's fair enough, but I'm confused as to why you would accept the gift of clothes from someone who you had no intention of being friends with."

If she offers to return them, then either say thank you and accept, or ask her to make a £20 donation to a particular charity of your choice.

Tbh @requestingagiftback for a bag of clothes I think you've dodged a bullet.

No me neither. I’d just distance myself.

I think walk away.

I think a gift given in good faith is very very hard to ask to be returned. It almost compounds the negativity.

The only explanation that comes to mind was that the deal breaker was something to do with your lifestyle choices and that's why you have chosen to remain vague and why you didn't retaliate to her message. You chose to give her the clothes regarding the information she gave you, it was not upon the condition that she schedules another play date or becomes part of your circle. Personally if it was me I wouldn't have accepted the clothes if I didn't think I wanted a friendship with you. No love lost OP you simply weren't her cup of tea, think you should overlook this one and see it as you helped someone in need, next time don't be too hasty to help someone when in the initiating stages of friendships.

Don't bother trying to delete it or change the posts. Just leave it where it is and don't bother answering anymore. It'll die its own death in a few hours. It's nothing so sensational it will become a classic or anything. It will fade into obscurity shortly.

I think you should have messaged back saying, "It's surprising you were willing to take those clothes off me, given your distaste. I'm happy to have them back on Monday as I can sell them on. I'd hate you to feel uncomfortable with your children wearing clothes I've passed on."

To grab your stuff and to want nothing to do with you? A prize swine. Definitely ask for your stuff back. Say 'I understand your position and my position is that I am not a benefactor to people who find me dubious'.

Altho something similar has happened to me. I got 'broken up with' by someone i barely knew. Just a mum i saw occasionally at a community event. I got a ridiculously long private message from her.. like pages long.. detailing how she found the tone I said something in to her, offensive, and how we could no longer be friends as she did not feel respected.
Absolutely batshit. We barely knew each other. I can count on one hand the amount of interactions we had had. Just casual small talk.
I just replied 'ok'
And then she sent ANOTHER several page message and I just blocked her after that without replying. Life is too short.
My DH and I don't even talk with that level of intensity if we've fallen out lmao..
A random stranger sending me pages on pages of criticism about my tone of voice. No thanks.

I hope she's OK though cuz I can't imagine her life is easy if that's how she approaches everything.

Luckily I didn't give her anything but if I had I wouldn't have asked for it back even though I as hurt. Too much drama.
And also it's the kid the clothes are going to and it's not the kids fault.

^^ This

You can ask mumsnet to take it down though. They do that sometimes

Refusing to divulge the dealbreaker suggests you’re ashamed of it.

If I were her I would return the clothes, it would be the right thing to do. You can ask for them back (I wouldn’t blame you) but she’s not obliged to return them.

Anti vaxxer I reckon.