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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 30/01/2025 21:27

Does he often blindside you like this, or is this a new side to him?
To be clear, the only thing about your reaction that's unreasonable, is that you had to come to Mumsnet to ask.
Why isn't it clear to you that he's being an entitled arse? It makes me worry that he often takes advantage of your lovely nature.
Leaving it so late to tell you was a deliberate ploy, he's hoping you will just go along with it because there's no time to sort out anything else. But they are not your kids, not your problem, and if you let this one go, you'll find it happening more and more.
You need to knock this behaviour of his on the head.
And that's assuming he has no other reason for not wanting you at the party!

HardenYourHeart · 30/01/2025 21:28

OP, I think you now know where you stand with him. To him, you are free child care.

WoolySnail · 30/01/2025 21:28

Why can't your kids babysit? not that that absolves what he's done in anyway.

Rachie1973 · 30/01/2025 21:30

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

Have you spoken to him? Are you sure he hasn’t just assumed you’re coming?

MrsCarson · 30/01/2025 21:31

Did he actually say you aren't invited as you'll have his kids?
If not remind him he'll need to arrange a babysitter as he has his kids that night. If he says you'll be home, tell him you won't be there.
Then kick his arse out he's a complete piss take.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 30/01/2025 21:35

WompWompBoom · 30/01/2025 18:48

He has the kids, so you can't come. Absolutely no way would I accept that. Tell him you're going and if he's adamant you're not, then you're off to a friends overnight instead and will be back the following day. Do not stay in with his kids.

He has the kids, so he can't go.

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 30/01/2025 21:36

Onlyonekenobe · 30/01/2025 20:54

My second post, because I just can't wrap my head around this:

Your DH has something fun he wants to do.
This is something which ordinarily you would do together.
He wouldn't be able to go without paying for a babysitter, given his ex/mum aren't available.
So his solution is to stop you from doing the thing so that you can be his babysitter.
And he hasn't even talked to you about it, hasn't asked you if you'd mind, hasn't expressed any regret that you can't go or gratitude for looking after his DC.
He has just assumed that you will do this, and is living his life without thinking of you.

The utter lack of respect for you is blinding. I bet anything that this isn't the only time and way in which he disrespects you.

Agree ,I commented earlier! Hopefully OP is speaking to him this evening 🤞and being assertive !!

FOJN · 30/01/2025 21:37

Rachie1973 MrsCarson

If you click "see all" in the bottom right corner of any of the OP's posts you will be able to read all her responses. Your questions have been answered.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 30/01/2025 21:45

BBQPete · 30/01/2025 18:49

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

I'd pick up on that.
"You have your dc, who, when I'm not doing anything else, I don't mind looking after occasionally as you know, but on this occasion I am not available, as I'm going to the do. So, you need to arrange a babysitter".

Definitely this! The cheek of it!

LBFseBrom · 30/01/2025 21:50

You are far from unreasonable. You need to speak to your husband about this and stress how disappointing it is for you, that you really would like to go. Some other arrangement can be made for the children surely.

Eddielizzard · 30/01/2025 21:53

Really disrespectful, both taking for granted that you'll look after his kids, and not inviting you to an event you should clearly be at.

thescandalwascontained · 30/01/2025 21:54

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:46

I think 3 dates were thrown around but this particular date was chosen, I will say in he is one of those people who doesn’t check and just commits then deals with the consequences.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

my office is a 10 minute walk away, I haven’t even had a why don’t you call in for an hour on your way home if you want (I work flexi so can finish early, the do starts at 4)

I'd refuse to have his kids. He watches them or hires a sitter. Don't do it for him.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 30/01/2025 22:01

He's treating you like a Hausfrau and taking you for granted.
How you deal with this will set the pattern for the rest of the time his children are growing up.
I would have been furious at being deliberately excluded from an event like this with a colleague that I'd worked with for many years. And his response to you about you needing to have his kids tells you that it was definitely deliberate. I'd be having a big think about how much he valued me as an independent person in my own right.
I'd not be reproducing with him!

peachystormy · 30/01/2025 22:07

Truth25 · 30/01/2025 18:49

Unacceptable. There is no way I would look after his kids on this night. He has basically put you in your place on a very public level. Don't just do this as you will set the tone for how to be treated

Absolutely this. The cheek of him you should be there too

Beesandhoney123 · 30/01/2025 22:07

You're not being silly at all.
Tell him you can't babysit as you're going to the event.
It's weird he doesn't want you there. How convenient you can't go and he is controlling that.

I wouldn't want to go now, if you, but I wouldn't be baby sitting. You need to be elsewhere, and away with your own dc. A surprise weekend bloody miles away, preferably abroad.

This sounds like the thin end of the wedge to me. Suspect you might be thinking about pushing off, because you're worth more aren't you?

purpleblue2 · 30/01/2025 22:10

do nor have the children let him tell their mum you are busy and you go!! I’d be furious and I wouldn’t let this go!

Animatic · 30/01/2025 22:16

If I were the kids' mum I would be furious that my ex parked the kids with his new wife and went off partying.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2025 22:24

Onlyonekenobe · 30/01/2025 20:54

My second post, because I just can't wrap my head around this:

Your DH has something fun he wants to do.
This is something which ordinarily you would do together.
He wouldn't be able to go without paying for a babysitter, given his ex/mum aren't available.
So his solution is to stop you from doing the thing so that you can be his babysitter.
And he hasn't even talked to you about it, hasn't asked you if you'd mind, hasn't expressed any regret that you can't go or gratitude for looking after his DC.
He has just assumed that you will do this, and is living his life without thinking of you.

The utter lack of respect for you is blinding. I bet anything that this isn't the only time and way in which he disrespects you.

100% this ^^ nothing to add

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2025 22:28

And totally-oi arsehole; I’m not looking after your kids whatever happens. I’m either coming to the do with you, or I’m going out with my kids, so you will need to find them a sitter or stay home as I am not available. This is entirely your fault due to the way you have approached this and your misogynistic attitude

Dontbeme · 30/01/2025 22:39

I bet he was senior to you at work as his behavior smacks of treating you like a subordinate that has to do what she's told.

I would turn my phone off after work, go for a meal or cinema with friends and be in no hurry home, let him sort his own kids out and get a fucking reality check of what it's like to parent and not palm it off to the nearest uterus bearer. This would be relationship ending for me, it's so disrespectful.

NameChangedOfc · 30/01/2025 22:40

Yanbu. Are they going to a strip club or what?!
I agree with other pps: talk to him!

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2025 22:49

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:28

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

Show quote history

So now you know what we think, what will you do?

Tiredofallthis101 · 30/01/2025 22:53

I'd just tell him they're his kids, he needs to sort a babysitter or look after them. You will be out. He can either invite you to the party and find a babysitter or look after them himself whilst you go out with friends. Either way he needs to reflect on why he thought it was OK to ignore you and not invite you to the party.

Windowsand · 30/01/2025 22:56

Women wonder why they end up with selfish arseholes being treated badly....it's 'cos they accept treatment like this.

MJconfessions · 30/01/2025 23:17

I think he doesn’t want you there on purpose, probs has a colleague he’s friendly with and doesn’t want you to clock on

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