DP hasn’t invited me

[Bigredchair]

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

Could you get him to pay your kids to babysit?

Not to derail but any chance he's shagging a co-worker?

If he hasn’t said either way, and others have texted you about it, just assume you’re going and casually ask who he’s lined up to babysit that night.

"I have the kids, so you can't come." Did that make sense in his head? Or to you?
I would ask him to explain that line. It only makes sense if he thinks you're his servant.

Yes I get that and I don’t mind helping him out I just think he could of spoke to me about it first instead of assuming as I would have liked to have gone so just wonder if I’m being unreasonable about being a bit miffed about it all

He's unreasonable for not inviting you and fluff shining you will be looking after his children. Having said that could you pay the 16 yo to babysit?

Yes he’s being unreasonable OP. “You can’t come you’ve got the kids” is just a bit icky for some reason. I agree with the other commenter saying maybe somethings going on behind your back but tbh I think that’s just because of similar mumsnet posts

I’d arrange a different night out with your friends. Or arrange to spend time with a family member and bring your own kids. And simply tell him ‘I’ll be out the night of the party so you’ll have to make arrangements for your children’.

Do you mean he doesn't have any choice but to apologise that he has his kids and can't come to the retirement? Because unless OP agrees, why should he assume she'll provide child care to his children? What would he do if she wasn't free?

Tell him you are looking forward to going and ask him who is looking after the children 👍🏻
This is his problem, not yours.

Would your 16 and 15 year old babysit the younger children? They are certainly old enough with sufficient age gap to make that reasonably imo.

Honestly OP have a bloody conversation with him.

"I'm hurt you have just assumed I'll have your kids without even asking me. I would like to come to see ex colleagues and wish "retiring person" well. There are other options here and it was thoughtless of you to not even consult me"

Then you can choose whether you make a point on this occasion and actually say you're not having the kids and he can arrange a sitter, or you can tell him how you feel and then stay home with the kids, or you can tell him how you feel and suggest you drop in on the way home from work......basically use your words.

But YANBU!

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

What an absolute arse.

Even if he couldn't arrange it for another night he shouldn't assume.

Tell him you're going & he needs to sort a babysitter for his kids.

Could your kids go elsewhere so that they can't be roped into babysitting?

I'd be more than bloody miffed and I be asking what he was going to do about it!

I think this is missing the point though. I’m sure childcare could be arranged for the children. The ops point is that not only did he fail to invite her, he’s basically demanded that she stay in the house like a good little housekeeper and take care of the children who aren’t hers while he goes out on the piss

He has the kids so surely he is then one that can't attend?

Hate to be harsh here but I'd be suddenly unavailable that evening. Other plans. He'll have to sort arrangements for HIS kids. And you should mind looking after HIS kids. They have 2 parents...

id be in Paris I’m afraid

’d’h you didn’t mention anything going on and so i have booked an overnight with my kids as I’ve not spent any quality time with them recently. Such a shame. I meant to mention it to you but forgot and apparently that’s how we roll as a couple assuming the other person doesn’t need to be told anything (or invited) Hope you are not publicly humiliated by not attending a work colleges leaving do… I’ve already told him I’m away which is why I can’t attend. Cie La vie

I would be totally unavailable for babysitting that night.

It's not about whether you mind looking after his children it's about the fact he has arranged a party it would be appropriate for you to attend but you have been left off the guest list specifically to provide free childcare for him. He told you so himself.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

And he didn't even ask you.

You would have been invited if you were not in a relationship with your P.

I would refuse on principle otherwise you will find yourself default babysitter whenever it suits him or even asking him if he has plans before you can make arrangements for yourself.

Why do you need an invitation?

Am I being harsh here or is this just another reason dads get it easier than mums (not all!!! Obviously)

Dad can just go out not have to think about the kids and expect woman to look after the kids. It’s almost expected of us woman.

It doesn't solve your problem with him, but can't you ask your older kids to babysit?

To sum up here yes you should have been invited bit your being taken totally for granted by tour own husband, the thing is by not insisting you are going & he has to find his own babysitter you are ALLOWING him to treat you like this, hope you don't have a daughter who your both teaching to accept such disrespectful behaviour

This!

He absolutely would have asked you - not just expected that you would be available. Can't he pay your eldest to babysit - that way you could go for a few hours.