DP hasn’t invited me

[Bigredchair]

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

Your kids are old enough to babysit for a couple of house. Problem solved!

This. If my DP said to me "I have the kids so you can't come" I would tell him to fuck off. What a fucking cheek.

You think it's OK for him to assume his older teenage step-children don't have plans either? The "arrangements" involve him asking people to babysit rather than take it for granted that they will.

Then she'd be shoving off her husband's responsibility onto her kids just like her husband is trying to do.

He took OP taking care of his kids for granted and left her out of an event that she should be at. Was the exclusion deliberate so he could have a party without her? That would be my question along with setting him straight about the expectation that she is default childcare for his kids.

No, not problem solved. He hasn't asked them..they may not be free..they may not be home. They may not want to, his childcare is not their problem. It's his.

I'm pretty sure OP is staying home with them though, despite fully knowing she should not

For those saying "let the older kids watch the younger, problem solved", no it isn't.

The older 2 are OP's, the younger 2 are DP's. If we feel that OP shouldn't have to watch DP's kids, why should we expect her children to watch them? If DP wants to ask them and pay them himself then fine, let him do so. DH and I never even expected our older son to watch his little brother if we were going out. We'd ask and pay him if he agreed, otherwise DS2 went to the grandparents. I really dislike when parents turn their older children into 'mini-mums/dads' and use them as 'primary' childcare.

At this point even if DP asked OP to come to the party, I'd decline if I were her. IMHO he'd only be asking with the expectation that her teens will watch his DC. But IMHO he doesn't want her there for reasons of his own. If he had wanted her there, he'd have scheduled it for his 'off' weekend or he'd have invited her with the expectation that her kids would watch his.

I agree, I think OP is 'stepping up'. I'm hoping that at least she's planning on having a stern conversation with DP as far as future childcare goes.

There are such things as babysitters. I used to use "sitters" you get vetted local sitters if you want to go out. Worked fine for us until DD aged out of needing a sitter. Tell him to organise one and then go to the do. I wouldn't let this pass, I'd be really hurt.

A couple means 2, his party is for 4, plus a planned bender afterwards, that's far from a couple of hours. We don't know if the older kids would be open to watching them, because he hasn't asked, he seems to have absolved himself of responsibility for his own children - that the whole issue here.

I think the ultimate piss taken not only singe attending the farewell do, he’s going out for a late one afterwards - without checking that’s ok with OP in terms of her watching and being responsible for his young kids while he’s out the house. As a boss he’s probably used to ordering subordinates around with no question and has transferred that to his partner, OP. Maybe that’s why his marriage failed. Just saying.

I wasn't arguing with you, didn't mean it to come across that way. I was just flipping the situation round.

Op's fella has an absolute cheek assuming she'll look after his kids. I mean boss or not he's got his kids that night, he either can't make it or he sorts something out.

Why don't you tell him that he needs to source childcare for this evening as you're going out? What would he do then?

Honestly - if he didn't ask you to be there for his kids, don't be there for his kids. They're probably lovely kids but they are his responsibility and him expecting that you would look after them while he goes out for this retirement do - nah..not having it. Go to the movies or meet up with some of your friends but I wouldn't be sitting in on that night at all.

OP can’t your 16 year old watch them for a few hours??

Not RTFT but can't he just get a baby sitter? Or can you get the older ones to babysit if they're mature enough?

Then I would have said “No, YOU have the kids so YOU can’t go”

HE has the kids, not you. Perhaps you could go and he stays at home?!

Well no because he assumes the wife is looking after them, not her kids. If it means she gets to go and is happy that's what she should do....

May their SF will ask?

Why would she treat her own children with the same disrespect her partner is showing her?

Why is it her job to sort out childcare for his children at all?

How the f is she treating her kids with disrespect🤣 Why, by asking if they'd mind the kids, Jesus pick your battles, it's almost hilarious if it wasn't so sad..leave him, hes an arsehole, you're a doormat, he's having an affair, so funny....its no wonder the divorce rate is so high in England judging by the amount of angry women here🤣
.

Finally, someone at last with common sense, the older kids mind the younger two, they both go, both happy and have a great night, doesn't have to be WW3, what a very stressful life if you were to listen to majority of posters🤣

Of course should have invited you.

Sounds like he prefers you as a babysitter than a partner.

Hope he can sort a sitter so you can go to the party OP.

What if the older ones have plans for this evening? He hadn't even asked them if they're free. Also, it's not just for a few hours as the younger ones' father is going on afterwards to 'a big night out'. What does he think is happening with his children then?

Well if the older ones have plans well and good, but I know my teens would babysit no bother for a fee, so maybe, just maybe it won't have to be such a big deal, OP has already said she'd like to go for a few hours so maybe, just maybe that might happen and she will then happily go home to the 4 kids, problem solved??

Tell your DP that you have arranged a sitter for your children and will be attending. And hopefully he can get a sitter in time for his.
but I’m petty.

Flip the script and say it was you doing the exact same thing. You are going to a party and he is not, You are going to expect him to childmind all night (without asking if it’s okay). You both know the peiple but you don’t want him to come and arrange children to stay on that same date so it is done and dusted… he would be quite rattled methinks.

if you aren’t so bothered, since a lot of work celebrations can be borefests especially once people have consumed too much alcohol.. you could plan a weekend away solo or with a girlfriend as your treat for missing out.