DP hasn’t invited me

[Bigredchair]

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

Of course the older teenagers could babysit but it's not OP's job to sort it out. The DP has had weeks to do it but didn't because he thinks he can take OP for granted.

Because you don't mind you allow him to walk all over your needs and feelings OP. You sound too nice for him. He is taking you for granted. I am annoyed on your behalf.

My second post, because I just can't wrap my head around this:

Your DH has something fun he wants to do.
This is something which ordinarily you would do together.
He wouldn't be able to go without paying for a babysitter, given his ex/mum aren't available.
So his solution is to stop you from doing the thing so that you can be his babysitter.
And he hasn't even talked to you about it, hasn't asked you if you'd mind, hasn't expressed any regret that you can't go or gratitude for looking after his DC.
He has just assumed that you will do this, and is living his life without thinking of you.

The utter lack of respect for you is blinding. I bet anything that this isn't the only time and way in which he disrespects you.

You are definitely being very unreasonable for lots of reasons.

Go to the do.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

And you didn't reply with "If you have the kids, how are you planning to be there, and why would that mean I can't go?"

Who exactly does he think he is?!

Sit him down and ask him has he hired a babysitter yet, because you are going to the do and it's therefore not going to be you.

You have a bigger problem than just this one event, imo.

Nah fuck that. I’d be beyond miffed I’d be seething.
Make plans with friends and leave him to sort his own childcare.

He's a twat, sorry he knew when he arranged it he'd be dumping the responsibility of HIS kids, on you. It's not your problem, it would have been courteous of him to invite you, especially considering you worked there. He's really taking the piss and if it were me I'd be telling him you can't watch the kids.

You're not unreasonable to be miffed. Why not just tell him you will be out, even if you don't go to the retirement do? He should be making arrangements to look after his children, and that doesn't mean letting you know the day beforehand that he expects you to do it.

It's not OP's teen's job to look after his kids either. He needs to sort it out in advance.

100%

@Onlyonekenobe
Very well put!

Ooooh yes. Make immediate plans to take your 2 kids out that evening. Take all 3 of his presumed (and free) babysitters out of the equation.

It’s not petty. He needs to learn.

As it's for a relatively short time, perhaps your own kids would be happy to keep an eye on the younger ones for a couple of hours so that you could go along OP? Just a thought.

However, he is definitely being a selfish shit, first in that he didn't even think of checking if you would like to attend. Second, he didn't check if you would mind looking after HIS kids, and third, planning on going for a big night out afterwards, again, without checking that you're happy to mind HIS kids while he does it. Personally, I'd be bloody furious with him, and would refuse point blank to mind them, but then, I won't let a man walk all over me, but you what you've gotta do OP.

You can't go to the party because your husband has his kids? Has he actually heard himself when he says that?

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

No, husband. You have your kids on that date, so you can't go. If you want to go to the party you have planned, then you need to either ask me if I would mind looking after them or better still, arrange someone else to look after them so we can both go to it.

This would really piss me off if my dh did this to me. I can only assume that both your families are so well blended, it's just now assumed the other parent will just take over when the blood parent can't do xyz?

So he has not proposed to you and you are not married and what preoccupies you is a non-invite to a stupid party? (Sorry, this post has been influenced by a concurrent post 'why do partners have to pay inheritance tax when one of them dies).

This sounds like gaslighting,I think there is more to this story and he has something to hide, maybe an office affair ?

YANBU. Although you should be more than just "miffed". YWBU, and a total wet dressing gown sleeve, to let him take the piss out of you like this.
Even if I may have been content to miss the party had my DP had the decency to ask me about it first, I would absolutely not be doing it now out of principle.

Why is he just assuming you will look after them without even asking you? Is this normal?

OP is going to stay in and watch his kids, miffed or not.

People treat you the way you let them 🤷‍♀️

This immediately crossed my mind too.
Surely between you, you have someone you could ask to babysit at your home? a friend, a relative, a babysitter or local childminder?

It's just odd, or massively entitled of him to act as he has.

You sound nice and he sounds like he’s treating you as a doormat and provider of free childcare.

This!

Exactly - if he wanted the teens to babysit then he should ask them and arrange to pay them.

Do you mind the assumption that you are his unpaid babysitter? Because that's clearly how he sees you.

If you don't go to the do I'd arrange to be doing something else that night. He's got a bloody cheek.