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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

226 replies

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 15:48

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

OP posts:
devastatedagain · 30/01/2025 15:51

I'm sorry you feel so poorly but I can't help thinking that more actual face to face talking and less texting might make your message come across more favourably.

When things have calmed down talk to him.

DowntonCrabby · 30/01/2025 15:51

An abusive arsehole does.

Please put yourself and your DD first, is this a family dynamic you wish her to grow up is normal?

You deserve better Flowers

Duckingella · 30/01/2025 15:51

Dragging her into it is emotional abuse.

I'd consider carefully if this is the future you want.

Ifeelabnormal · 30/01/2025 15:52

Your dh is an abusive arse

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 15:53

Duckingella · 30/01/2025 15:51

Dragging her into it is emotional abuse.

I'd consider carefully if this is the future you want.

Emotional abuse to her?

OP posts:
xRobin · 30/01/2025 15:55

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 15:53

Emotional abuse to her?

To both of you.
He’s trying to use her to make you panic into “I’m better now, sorry, I won’t be ill again” and he’s trying to turn your daughter against you and be on his side so he can “ha see, I told you”.

The fact she’s shouted at him means she was VERY uncomfortable and felt protective of you. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time she’s witnessed him snap at you? x

Alalalala · 30/01/2025 15:56

He sounds unhinged. I can’t see how you can have a relationship with him any longer. Doesn’t care for you when you’re ill, cannot emotionally regulate and scares his child.

CaptainCaaaavemaan · 30/01/2025 15:58

Yes, it's emotional abuse to her. How is she supposed to feel? You can't think k that she doesn't know what's going on surely. I teach four and five year olds. They know exactly what's going on in their own homes.

MissyB1 · 30/01/2025 15:59

Yep that's emotional abuse - towards you and dd.

He sounds very immature.

Plantmumfailure · 30/01/2025 16:00

Agree it's abusive to your dd to involve her like this.

2JFDIYOLO · 30/01/2025 16:16

Women are not allowed to be ill as people are, because women are not quite human.

Failing to carry out their domestic appliance duties is an issue. Illness is no excuse.

Females, whether mother, wife or daughter, must serve and centre men.

I'll just leave that there.

(You've got one of those).

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:16

He’s never tried to bring her into anything like this, how could he not see how wrong that is?!!

OP posts:
Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:18

It’s honestly like he just can’t cope and gets so stressed and angry, why?! He only has to feed her and be with her, tidy up a bit, he does nowhere near what I do. Yes, I can imagine it being stressful about missing work, but surely with families, these things happen

OP posts:
Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:21

Do I say he either goes to the Dr for help for stress levels/coping with his anger and emotions or I leave?
To involve Dd is the worst thing he could have done, I had similar when younger

OP posts:
CaptainCaaaavemaan · 30/01/2025 16:22

I had similar when younger

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Flowers

Emerald95 · 30/01/2025 16:30

Im so sorry this is happening to you OP. I remember seeing threads previously about the amount of men leaving their cancer-fighting wives because they don't want to pick up the slack at home. I know that isn't your situation but I do think it goes to show what kind of man your DP is.

I would be packing his bags up and asking him to leave. He seems as if he's only interested in your marriage as long as it is benefiting him. Dragging your daughter into it is so traumatic to her, even if she doesn't realise it right now.

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/01/2025 16:32

Him involving your DC - YANBU

You texting him "home truths" from upstairs - YABU

The whole thing is dysfunctional. When it sounded like he initially just wanted an idea of what's happening with work etc, how can it spiral to this behaviour from both of you?

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:35

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/01/2025 16:32

Him involving your DC - YANBU

You texting him "home truths" from upstairs - YABU

The whole thing is dysfunctional. When it sounded like he initially just wanted an idea of what's happening with work etc, how can it spiral to this behaviour from both of you?

He didn’t just want an idea for work, he was coming up repeatedly and waking me up out of sleep I needed.
I texted because i’m in bed and it’s easier than shouting downstairs, also I wouldn’t argue/say all those things in front of Dd

OP posts:
OwlInTheOak · 30/01/2025 16:35

His behaviour was unacceptable, but he shouldn't be missed work because you're laying in bed the whole day. Parents have to just get on with it and rest where possible, unless you needed to be in hospital then you need to toughen up a bit, especially as it sounds like this isn't the first time.

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:36

Emerald95 · 30/01/2025 16:30

Im so sorry this is happening to you OP. I remember seeing threads previously about the amount of men leaving their cancer-fighting wives because they don't want to pick up the slack at home. I know that isn't your situation but I do think it goes to show what kind of man your DP is.

I would be packing his bags up and asking him to leave. He seems as if he's only interested in your marriage as long as it is benefiting him. Dragging your daughter into it is so traumatic to her, even if she doesn't realise it right now.

Yes, this is it, I said to him, what if I had cancer or died, how would he even begin to cope

Do you think this will have caused damage to Dd? I just can’t bear it

OP posts:
Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:37

OwlInTheOak · 30/01/2025 16:35

His behaviour was unacceptable, but he shouldn't be missed work because you're laying in bed the whole day. Parents have to just get on with it and rest where possible, unless you needed to be in hospital then you need to toughen up a bit, especially as it sounds like this isn't the first time.

When I get ill like this, I cannot get out of bed at all. Anything else, flu etc, I just get on with and am very tough

OP posts:
RunSlowTalkFast · 30/01/2025 16:38

The whole thing sounds weird.

I've never once spent days in bed ill in the entire decade my daughter has been here, neither has DH. What is causing this to happen multiple times?

Why were you texting each other instead of talking?

Involving your daughter was despicable and pathetic of him.

Adamante · 30/01/2025 16:39

I cannot believe that 14% of votes say YABU.

Therehastobeabetterway · 30/01/2025 16:43

RunSlowTalkFast · 30/01/2025 16:38

The whole thing sounds weird.

I've never once spent days in bed ill in the entire decade my daughter has been here, neither has DH. What is causing this to happen multiple times?

Why were you texting each other instead of talking?

Involving your daughter was despicable and pathetic of him.

It was one day, I get very painful kidney infections and stones

OP posts:
FuckedOverByBuilder · 30/01/2025 16:43

OP I've come down with flu and spent all of yesterday in bed. My DH changed his plans to WFH, took our eldest to school and youngest to nursery.

He bought me up drinks and medicine and encouraged me to just rest as much as possible. In the afternoon he bought me up a hot chocolate to try and cheer me up then got both kids from school/nursery and made them dinner.

Then he put them both to bed without disturbing me and bought me dinner up on a tray.

I would do the same for him if he was ill. We all have times we have to pick up the slack if someone is ill. And including your daughter in the argument is worrying. This definitely needs a proper conversation with him